Happiness is clean armpits.

I couldn't be anymore irritated than I am right now.

I HATE hospitals. I never feel taken care of and they definitely don't remember anything I say.

X~ray during pregnancy?? FUCK!!!

Hopefully, like the miserable, underpaid, overworked assholes they are, they'll come back soon and try to put me on more medication that treats symptoms I don't have.

I need to go home.

The pain of staying the same, unbearable it became.

I've got some regrets I'm not done regretting. I've spent a lot of time being embarrassed about being a doormat. A lot of, "what ifs" and, "fuuuuuuuuck, now I know what I put that one ex of mine through" have led me to where I'm at now.

I am expecting a fourth, alone again, and this time? It was my decision. I do feel slightly sad, but I know this is healthier for me than being verbally and emotionally battered every other day...or every day...or every time I ask for a favor...who knows how often it is...the moodswings are unpredictable.

And I'm not fucking taking them. Excuse me for the Carol Brady, geisha girl, June Cleaver masks of my past...but I'm not that girl anymore. His loss is my gain.

Some people are incapable of change.

I hope I'm not one of those people.

Step 4 is stirring up some huge anger issues between me and my past.

I hate you, past.

Until the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change, you'll stay the same.

I'm tired of being a hopeless romantic asshole who puts up with assholes.

I've entered a 12 step program for codependency and al-anon.  I don't know how I feel about it.  I know my life is unmanageable...it's nothing I'm proud of.  I'm terrified of changing because I don't know what I'll lose...or what I'll gain...

Epic fail.

I lost it.  And I "deserve it."  Go figure.

And another one...

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There's lines to read between.

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This looks familiar.

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Any way you want it, that's the way you need it.

My baby boy is up on all fours rocking back and forth. He probably should be crawling by now, (he'll be one next month) but I've babied him so much he's a little behind. He scoots around on his butt to get what he wants, but I think he'd have way more fun crawling. It's super rad to have a little tiny dude. It's been a long time since I had a little chubs in diapers. I love it.

We had a totally cool time at the zoo today. No fighting or arguing. Perfect temperature. Not too much sun which means no aloe tonight. And the crowd was minimal. Love the perks of getting there at 3 p.m.

I'm lovin' my new work schedule. And my kids get to spend Sundays at church with their tiny bro's grandma. That's good for them. Nothing makes me happier than keeping all the kids together.
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Guys have listened to worse shit, trying to get a piece of ass.

There is nothing more confusing than having mixed emotions and regrets.  I don't miss anything.  There's not a time in my life I want to relive, yet, I am not satisfied with where I am.

Does that make me a miserable person?

I think in the past it did.  I used to sleep through reality so I could relish in my dreams.  I used to feel aching.  I used to feel.

A recent "love" has taught me that in order to survive, you have to think of no one but yourself.  Everything I ever did was never reciprocated.  One of my biggest pet peeves was having the desire to buy them a present and then realizing...this person would never do this shit for me...and too often I'd give in to being "the better person" and hope that in time they'd follow.  I've learned that everything I say and do can and will be used against me and I've learned that you can't trust anyone...or I just can't trust him.  There is nothing more heartbreaking than knowing a person you tried with, for the greater good and big picture, has a life mission to ruin yours.  I've never had to deal with that before.  I guess there's a first time for everything...

My biggest regret?  I've learned to NEVER be lonely.  For years, all I wanted was some company.  Not many 22 year olds are clinically diagnosed with loneliness.  What an idiot I was.  I'll never be lonely again.  It got me where I am today.  Somewhere that when I recall the previous blogs I've kept before this one I think of how lucky I was, but was too self absorbed in my own lonely misery to notice.

So fuck being lonely.  Fuck passive aggressive behavior and fuck being the "better person." 

And that's the first and last blog I'll ever write regarding this recent "love."

Letting go and giving up feels good.