I should see a therapist but I don't want to admit that I'm broken. If I say it out loud, as opposed to writing it, it feels more definite. "It" being the pain, the damage, the years of traumatic events that I have subjected myself to and allowed because I am scarred.
I dated someone once who was able to admit what a hot mess he was but not in a victimized way. I envied that but at the time I told him he was an idiot. Not for feeling pain and being ruined, but for saying it out loud, giving others the opportunity to judge him.
I am too old to give a hoot what other people think and too young to be alone so much for self preservation. I miss him so much I can't even breathe out of my nose from how much I've been crying. I don't know if it will ever stop hurting. I don't think time heals anything but I'm certain amnesia does. Wouldn't that be wonderful on occasion? Selective amnesia.
Maybe I should go see a hypnotist again.
