I should take my own advice.

But GOD, deep down, I'm an effin' chicken.

Geezus.

I filed a motion, worst case if he's found guilty he'll get fined, and he views this as comparible to him pressing charges against me for something I didn't do.  Headcase.  He's threatened to call the cops on me for, "anything and everything."  Ok.  So, now we're going to use the police to harass me...well...at least it will be properly documented??  Less work for me I guess...a positive in everything...

I rant and rave all day at my best friend, "stand up for yourself" or, "stop turning the other cheek" or, "do you think God would want you dancing pantless, wearing a clown wig, throwing a block pity party for these people...giving them more attention than you give Him??" 

I live in total fear everyday.  I don't speak of it.  I don't speak much of anything unless I have to speak to a customer.  I've totally bottled up all of my thoughts and they just run rampid in my little tiny brain all day and all night long.  But I'm scared.  I have a baby with someone who forces me to watch my back every second of every day.  I fear he'll do something like...fall down my porch steps after dropping off the baby, call the cops, and say I pushed him.  That wouldn't be the first time he's done something like that...it would be the 4th.  Then they'd show up and I'd be sitting here all fat and knocked up, eating a bowl of cereal, get arrested just because I've been arrested for DV before, and have a baby in jail, lose custody of all my kids, and have to figure out a way to take my own life in prison with a spork and a bedsheet before Birtha and LaShonda got to me.  I contemplate getting a camera to monitor my front hallway.  I have EVERY text and voicemail saved.  Yes, he's THAT crazy and it's making me THAT paranoid.  Who lives like this? 

I'm tired.

And to think I used to be absolutely miserable over being single and an only parent.  I never knew how good I had it.  What a shame.