I read somewhere that a sign your child was being bullied is social network withdrawal. My mother hasn't noticed. I hate "confiding" in a blog. I fear putting my thoughts and feelings online. About anything. I have been so tormented and harassed by my ex online and offline that it's taken me 45 minutes and slight chest pain to get through writing this. I have become an emotional robot, extremely calculated, someone I've become proud of, but someone so controlled that I don't believe that can be something to be proud of for long. Why am I writing this? If he ever found this he would...make my life the hell he makes it with every ounce of personal information he receives about me. In previous blogs, which I greatly regret deleting, I've posted that I've never met anyone like this...vindictive, manipulative, deceitful, possessive, irratic and out of control. If there is a such thing as karma, I've gotten mine thirty fold. I'd like to say I was fucking difficult and crazy in previous relationships... I always sabotaged them due to low self esteem, but this guy... This guy takes the whole bakery...
I'm tired. I work a shit job, make shit money, and have 3 children. An overachiever, a future celebrity, and a natural born mechanic. I should have named him Carson. I should have done a lot of things...but that's a whole other post.
Something broke my heart today and my robot broke down for awhile. A coworker made a comment, "jokingly" but after last night's harassment until 3am, (that is how I'm repaid when I give him an extra night with his son...great dads spend their visitation time with their kids or so I thought) having to be up at 6am, bringing the kids to work, the comment ripped me to shreds instantly. The tears fell uncontrollably. I haven't cried like that in years. I haven't FELT like that since November 5, 2011. That was the last day I cried. And the last day I decided my ex would ever hurt me mentally again.
Finding out about the fourth has completely changed my life and I don't have time or effort for people who want to create drama out of boredom. I haven't done that since I was 25 and have no interest in ever behaving that way again... But this baby has hardened me in the way that I refuse to tolerate certain behaviors. I just can't.
But somedays...like today...the harassment I received last night, the disgusting words, and today's comment really hurt. No matter how much I'm unwilling to tolerate, no matter how much of a robot I've become, I have a breaking point. Or an aching point.
I hope the feeling of weakness from opening up subsides...and I hope I don't soon regret "confiding."
It seems like we're in parallel universes but dealing with totally different situations. Chin up. No one can make you feel shitty without your permission. No one can make you feel shitty unless you let them. So don't.
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