Rise and shine...

I don't want to go to work anymore. I'm sick of not getting paid. I'm wide awake at 430am when I have to be up at 6am. I've been up since 2am, having anxiety.

I don't normally do this but I feel bad for myself. Yes, pity party for 2...considering I'm carrying a small person. I keep trying to calm down and focus on something bigger but my anxiety is out of control and my heart hurts. I keep seeing texts in my head that I shouldn't have read and I'm just plain hurt. I have no one to help me and honestly, I haven't had anyone to help me in 4 years. Or has it been 5 now... I can't recall.

Do you think youre indispensable and that no one can touch you?

Because I think youre disposable and it's time you knew the truth.

Thats how I'm treated. I needed to double check on the last 13 days being total hogwash so I spilled my guts. Released my fears.

"I'll just go find someone else." Was that the part where I was supposed to beg and plead he take away my fears? I just replied with, "ok," so 8 more times he text me about how I dont deserve him, I'm worthless, there are a million girls out there who don't lie, (because admitting your fears is lying...um...ok) I'm a waste of time, and that he deserves better than me. All I had to say was, "old habits never die, apparently." Theres really not much else to say.

My work is closing in 3 weeks and I've become a high risk pregnancy. Neat~O!! I don't have anyone to help me financially, no savings, and if I have to go on bedrest... I don't know if there will be a fourth.

Maybe I shouldn't even think about that.

Sigh.

It's a girl!!!

It needs a good "S" name. 

Dear Sub Chorionic Hemorrhage,

You're not taking my baby. He or she is currently kicking your ass and is 4 days ahead in development. I will continue to do everything I can on my end to help this baby. I'm not too sure how I'd pull off bedrest though...but please, leave us alone.

Thanks.

I should take my own advice.

But GOD, deep down, I'm an effin' chicken.

Geezus.

I filed a motion, worst case if he's found guilty he'll get fined, and he views this as comparible to him pressing charges against me for something I didn't do.  Headcase.  He's threatened to call the cops on me for, "anything and everything."  Ok.  So, now we're going to use the police to harass me...well...at least it will be properly documented??  Less work for me I guess...a positive in everything...

I rant and rave all day at my best friend, "stand up for yourself" or, "stop turning the other cheek" or, "do you think God would want you dancing pantless, wearing a clown wig, throwing a block pity party for these people...giving them more attention than you give Him??" 

I live in total fear everyday.  I don't speak of it.  I don't speak much of anything unless I have to speak to a customer.  I've totally bottled up all of my thoughts and they just run rampid in my little tiny brain all day and all night long.  But I'm scared.  I have a baby with someone who forces me to watch my back every second of every day.  I fear he'll do something like...fall down my porch steps after dropping off the baby, call the cops, and say I pushed him.  That wouldn't be the first time he's done something like that...it would be the 4th.  Then they'd show up and I'd be sitting here all fat and knocked up, eating a bowl of cereal, get arrested just because I've been arrested for DV before, and have a baby in jail, lose custody of all my kids, and have to figure out a way to take my own life in prison with a spork and a bedsheet before Birtha and LaShonda got to me.  I contemplate getting a camera to monitor my front hallway.  I have EVERY text and voicemail saved.  Yes, he's THAT crazy and it's making me THAT paranoid.  Who lives like this? 

I'm tired.

And to think I used to be absolutely miserable over being single and an only parent.  I never knew how good I had it.  What a shame.

To my sweet little sugar muffin precious angel honey baby sweetie cakes,

Don't you hate when people talk like that? Gag. Anyway. I'd really appreciate it if you stay put. You're super cute, extremely loved, and I'd really like to meet you in 28 weeks...give or take a week. You're bigger than they thought, however, it's way too soon for you to show up now. I am not a fan of whatever tricks are being played in there. There's nothing worse than seeing red...and lots of it. I am extremely proud to be your mom and I can't stand the thought of losing you. So please, listen to your mother! You'll learn they're always right long before you admit it...sigh. And thank you for being my baby.

Trouble is a bottom feeder.

I never thought I'd say this again, but I want someone to love me. I hope this is just the hormones misbehaving because for the past year I have grown to love being alone. Watching MOBBED makes me wish I had someone to confess their undying love for me. That show also makes me wish I would've became a back up dancer. I've become excellent at not longing for anything, (always just accepting) but a weak moment or two won't kill me.

I'm currently debating on whether or not to file a motion to show cause against someone for violating a parenting agreement. I have a hard time following through with things because I make decisions based on how I would want to be treated. But I would never and haven't ever treated the exes like they were pukey garbage IN REGARDS TO THE KIDS. Hey, I'm honest. And I'm learning that allowing this manic monster to rage and drag me around like a marionette is hurting all three of my kids. It creates panic and stress in the house when, "Mommy's crying because he won't tell her where Silas is." My kids are so well rounded...how did I do that...so wonderfully behaved and good mannered...they don't deserve the drama some guy causes.

I don't even know what to call this.

I'm fucking irate. This fucking piece of shit takes the baby for his visitation today, leaves him with his mom all day, harasses the hell out of me, calls the cops claiming harassment all while STILL texting me, so I went to the police station, showed them my phone, and they said they'll advise him to stop. Fucking psycho. THEN he texts me to tell me they're taking my baby to urgent care but refuses to tell me where, so I had to call hospitals, find out where my child was, and just show up. I'm fucking livid. I don't withhold anything from him regarding that child. Not a fucking thing.

And he told me he's seeing someone and has been for awhile. She, "knows all about" me. Fucking cute. Funny, he was, "so in love with me" last week. Batshit crazy.

If the stars were the only thing we had to share would you be there?

I read somewhere that a sign your child was being bullied is social network withdrawal. My mother hasn't noticed. I hate "confiding" in a blog. I fear putting my thoughts and feelings online. About anything. I have been so tormented and harassed by my ex online and offline that it's taken me 45 minutes and slight chest pain to get through writing this. I have become an emotional robot, extremely calculated, someone I've become proud of, but someone so controlled that I don't believe that can be something to be proud of for long. Why am I writing this? If he ever found this he would...make my life the hell he makes it with every ounce of personal information he receives about me. In previous blogs, which I greatly regret deleting, I've posted that I've never met anyone like this...vindictive, manipulative, deceitful, possessive, irratic and out of control. If there is a such thing as karma, I've gotten mine thirty fold. I'd like to say I was fucking difficult and crazy in previous relationships... I always sabotaged them due to low self esteem, but this guy... This guy takes the whole bakery...

I'm tired. I work a shit job, make shit money, and have 3 children. An overachiever, a future celebrity, and a natural born mechanic. I should have named him Carson. I should have done a lot of things...but that's a whole other post.

Something broke my heart today and my robot broke down for awhile. A coworker made a comment, "jokingly" but after last night's harassment until 3am, (that is how I'm repaid when I give him an extra night with his son...great dads spend their visitation time with their kids or so I thought) having to be up at 6am, bringing the kids to work, the comment ripped me to shreds instantly. The tears fell uncontrollably. I haven't cried like that in years. I haven't FELT like that since November 5, 2011. That was the last day I cried. And the last day I decided my ex would ever hurt me mentally again.

Finding out about the fourth has completely changed my life and I don't have time or effort for people who want to create drama out of boredom. I haven't done that since I was 25 and have no interest in ever behaving that way again... But this baby has hardened me in the way that I refuse to tolerate certain behaviors. I just can't.

But somedays...like today...the harassment I received last night, the disgusting words, and today's comment really hurt. No matter how much I'm unwilling to tolerate, no matter how much of a robot I've become, I have a breaking point. Or an aching point.

I hope the feeling of weakness from opening up subsides...and I hope I don't soon regret "confiding."

Happiness is clean armpits.

I couldn't be anymore irritated than I am right now.

I HATE hospitals. I never feel taken care of and they definitely don't remember anything I say.

X~ray during pregnancy?? FUCK!!!

Hopefully, like the miserable, underpaid, overworked assholes they are, they'll come back soon and try to put me on more medication that treats symptoms I don't have.

I need to go home.

The pain of staying the same, unbearable it became.

I've got some regrets I'm not done regretting. I've spent a lot of time being embarrassed about being a doormat. A lot of, "what ifs" and, "fuuuuuuuuck, now I know what I put that one ex of mine through" have led me to where I'm at now.

I am expecting a fourth, alone again, and this time? It was my decision. I do feel slightly sad, but I know this is healthier for me than being verbally and emotionally battered every other day...or every day...or every time I ask for a favor...who knows how often it is...the moodswings are unpredictable.

And I'm not fucking taking them. Excuse me for the Carol Brady, geisha girl, June Cleaver masks of my past...but I'm not that girl anymore. His loss is my gain.

Some people are incapable of change.

I hope I'm not one of those people.

Step 4 is stirring up some huge anger issues between me and my past.

I hate you, past.

Until the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change, you'll stay the same.

I'm tired of being a hopeless romantic asshole who puts up with assholes.

I've entered a 12 step program for codependency and al-anon.  I don't know how I feel about it.  I know my life is unmanageable...it's nothing I'm proud of.  I'm terrified of changing because I don't know what I'll lose...or what I'll gain...

Epic fail.

I lost it.  And I "deserve it."  Go figure.

And another one...

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There's lines to read between.

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This looks familiar.

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Any way you want it, that's the way you need it.

My baby boy is up on all fours rocking back and forth. He probably should be crawling by now, (he'll be one next month) but I've babied him so much he's a little behind. He scoots around on his butt to get what he wants, but I think he'd have way more fun crawling. It's super rad to have a little tiny dude. It's been a long time since I had a little chubs in diapers. I love it.

We had a totally cool time at the zoo today. No fighting or arguing. Perfect temperature. Not too much sun which means no aloe tonight. And the crowd was minimal. Love the perks of getting there at 3 p.m.

I'm lovin' my new work schedule. And my kids get to spend Sundays at church with their tiny bro's grandma. That's good for them. Nothing makes me happier than keeping all the kids together.
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Guys have listened to worse shit, trying to get a piece of ass.

There is nothing more confusing than having mixed emotions and regrets.  I don't miss anything.  There's not a time in my life I want to relive, yet, I am not satisfied with where I am.

Does that make me a miserable person?

I think in the past it did.  I used to sleep through reality so I could relish in my dreams.  I used to feel aching.  I used to feel.

A recent "love" has taught me that in order to survive, you have to think of no one but yourself.  Everything I ever did was never reciprocated.  One of my biggest pet peeves was having the desire to buy them a present and then realizing...this person would never do this shit for me...and too often I'd give in to being "the better person" and hope that in time they'd follow.  I've learned that everything I say and do can and will be used against me and I've learned that you can't trust anyone...or I just can't trust him.  There is nothing more heartbreaking than knowing a person you tried with, for the greater good and big picture, has a life mission to ruin yours.  I've never had to deal with that before.  I guess there's a first time for everything...

My biggest regret?  I've learned to NEVER be lonely.  For years, all I wanted was some company.  Not many 22 year olds are clinically diagnosed with loneliness.  What an idiot I was.  I'll never be lonely again.  It got me where I am today.  Somewhere that when I recall the previous blogs I've kept before this one I think of how lucky I was, but was too self absorbed in my own lonely misery to notice.

So fuck being lonely.  Fuck passive aggressive behavior and fuck being the "better person." 

And that's the first and last blog I'll ever write regarding this recent "love."

Letting go and giving up feels good.