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I feel completely defeated right now.  Drained, depressed, alone, irritated, and exhausted.  Every day is an aggravation because he refuses to leave.  If he's in the bathroom and I'm trying to tell him something he locks the door which means I'm supposed to stop talking.  If I put one of his belongings in his safe he takes it out and sets it on my dresser.  When he eats he leaves his dishes and cups/drink cans on my dresser.  He lays in the middle of the bed so I don't have any room.  He doesn't shower when he comes home from work and the smell of his feet/spilled alcohol/cigarettes nauseates me so I have to wash the sheets every day.  Yesterday I started washing all of the baby's big stuff, (car seat cover, swing cushion, bath seat) and I asked him if he could bring the swing up from the basement so I could wash it off.  He looked at me like I had 16 heads and said, "you're in no position to ask me for favors."  So what is it that happened this week that has him pushed over the edge?  On Monday night he left his email acct open on my computer so I read it.  Why?  Because he goes through everything of mine, he deletes pics off of my computer of my friends he doesn't like, and every time he goes online he hovers over the keyboard so no one can see what he's typing.  When my kids ask him why he does this he tells them it's because he can't trust us.  In his sent box he had 5 messages to personal ads on craigslist from March 29 beginning at 3:10a.m.  I was hurt.  I sat and sobbed for hours.  I haven't cried like that in awhile.  What hurts is that he's so selfish he would be with other people while I'm pregnant.  That's so disgusting to me that I don't even have words for it.  I guess I feel like my daughter and I are covered in other girls' vaginas.  I decided that there was no point in mentioning it because I'm done.  Tuesday I had the flu, and Wednesday I had an ob/gyn appt in the a.m. so I rolled out of bed and snuck out of the house while everyone was sleeping.  My Dr confirmed I had the flu and gave me an std test after I told him about what I'd found out.  I haven't received a call back which is a good thing but I'm really angry I had to get tested.  X called me 4 times while I was at my appt because "the kids want to know where you're at."  I called him back afterwards and told him I went to my appt.  He was mad that he wasn't included so I filled him in on the details and told him I had the flu to which he said nothing.  The usual.  When I returned to the house he asked if he could use my car for work.  I just looked at him and laid down.  He started to argue with me.  I wasn't responding so he started to yell.  Eventually, I explained that I had found out info about him and he is not to ask me for anything that doesn't regard his children.  His response was, "ok let's go look at my email and we'll see."  He opened it up, I looked in the sent box and clicked on each message and showed him.  He stared blankly at the screen and began to stutter.  "Those are resumes," he finally said.  "Really?  You send pics out of you kissing a gun, your phone number out, messages asking for you to be hit up, another that talks about how you don't write much because females rarely read it, and another that talks about how you're good, you're nice, you're fun???  And at 3a.m.??  Do you think I don't know why people are up at 3a.m. contacting the opposite sex???"  Silence.  Silence.  Silence.  Silence.  Then he asked to sit down.  I got up and went in the bathroom and started to cry.

He then told me that there were arrows next to the messages that said the message had been forwarded, (I forwarded them to myself once I found them the other night) and that the image number of the pic didn't match the image number of that pic in his phone.  I gave him that phone a month ago...the emails were sent in March...and his old phone couldn't send emails...so...his next reason for all of this?  I did it.  He said I broke into his email back in March and that I sent those messages out to other girls.  Amazing.  He screamed at me, he screamed at my kids and told them they were pitiful for comforting me while I was sobbing, and when I walked into my bedroom and sat on my bed he stuck his finger 2" away from my face and almost had his nose to mine while screaming.  I didn't scream back, I just told him to get out of my face and kept crying.  I told him he needs to move out and he said he's not going to.  He said it's his house and he's staying here.  I receive a food card and he told me that's his now too because he's a tax payer and I'm unemployed.  I called the police and asked if I would get in trouble for changing the locks.  They told me that if I do and he breaks in, he's in the right because he's established residency.  I need a place to go.  I can't take it anymore.  The crazy, the drama, the walking on eggshells, and at the beginning of the week his mom was siding with me and yesterday she went back to his side.  Figures.  Family is family and that's what they do, even though my mom would kick my toosh if I behaved like this guy...  I guess there are laws but they don't apply to him and I'm just angry all the time.  I'm so tired of the abuse and anytime I vent to someone they tell me I made my bed.  It tears me up inside because I'm the kind of person that would help anyone no questions asked and I don't even have the means to do it.  I've never once told someone that something was their fault and I've never given someone advice without telling them HOW to do it too.

I would be so grateful.

Now on to the important stuff:

Silas LOVES the beach.  I took the kids last Saturday and Silas threw the fit of all fits when we were leaving.  Of course, Chris and Kelsey HATE it.  They hate that there aren't water slides and they're not fans of the sand.  Lame.

  
On Tuesday night Kelsey taught Silas to shake hands with her when she says "nice to meet you."  It's adorable!!!

With as much drama as this guy causes, one of the worst things that happened this week was that I found out all of my videos of Silas are gone.  I use carbonite to back up my computer and the folders are there but they're all empty.  My hard drive was wiped clean a few months ago too.  I felt like something died when I realized his first year and a half is gone.

Tomorrow's another day.