At 4a.m. I woke up to a text from his mother stating she is not allowed to watch my kids this a.m. because he is throwing a "conniption fit." He threatened suicide or to leave the state if she watches them this a.m. I had somewhere important to be with a good friend and I didn't tell him where I had to go so this is how he reacts. He claims he lives here for the kids but this is clearly not about the kids, it's about controlling my life. I text his mother back and told her he needs to get out and they can take me to court to try to modify his already very limited visitation that he has because he's mentally unstable. Obviously, neither him nor his mother are fit to have children around for extended periods of time. Neither of them can be the adult in the situation and she caters to a 33 year old and his temper tantrums. It's unbelievable. A few nights ago he posted something on his facebook status about the way he turned out being all her fault, stating she wasn't around and didn't teach him how to be a man, and that he's ruined because of her. I defended her, and yet now I feel like she is partially to blame. I don't know how or why you would let your grown child control you.
And then yesterday, during the process of him telling me that he cheats because I "suck in bed," he's a "status update away from porno sex," and the multiple suicide threats, I found out that he got fired from his tattooing job because he stole $400. Amazing.
"I can still remember the first time I ever saw you. I don't even remember the first time I saw my son's mother."
Showing posts with label domestic violence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label domestic violence. Show all posts
Monday, June 18, 2012
Friday, June 15, 2012
...
I feel completely defeated right now. Drained, depressed, alone, irritated, and exhausted. Every day is an aggravation because he refuses to leave. If he's in the bathroom and I'm trying to tell him something he locks the door which means I'm supposed to stop talking. If I put one of his belongings in his safe he takes it out and sets it on my dresser. When he eats he leaves his dishes and cups/drink cans on my dresser. He lays in the middle of the bed so I don't have any room. He doesn't shower when he comes home from work and the smell of his feet/spilled alcohol/cigarettes nauseates me so I have to wash the sheets every day. Yesterday I started washing all of the baby's big stuff, (car seat cover, swing cushion, bath seat) and I asked him if he could bring the swing up from the basement so I could wash it off. He looked at me like I had 16 heads and said, "you're in no position to ask me for favors." So what is it that happened this week that has him pushed over the edge? On Monday night he left his email acct open on my computer so I read it. Why? Because he goes through everything of mine, he deletes pics off of my computer of my friends he doesn't like, and every time he goes online he hovers over the keyboard so no one can see what he's typing. When my kids ask him why he does this he tells them it's because he can't trust us. In his sent box he had 5 messages to personal ads on craigslist from March 29 beginning at 3:10a.m. I was hurt. I sat and sobbed for hours. I haven't cried like that in awhile. What hurts is that he's so selfish he would be with other people while I'm pregnant. That's so disgusting to me that I don't even have words for it. I guess I feel like my daughter and I are covered in other girls' vaginas. I decided that there was no point in mentioning it because I'm done. Tuesday I had the flu, and Wednesday I had an ob/gyn appt in the a.m. so I rolled out of bed and snuck out of the house while everyone was sleeping. My Dr confirmed I had the flu and gave me an std test after I told him about what I'd found out. I haven't received a call back which is a good thing but I'm really angry I had to get tested. X called me 4 times while I was at my appt because "the kids want to know where you're at." I called him back afterwards and told him I went to my appt. He was mad that he wasn't included so I filled him in on the details and told him I had the flu to which he said nothing. The usual. When I returned to the house he asked if he could use my car for work. I just looked at him and laid down. He started to argue with me. I wasn't responding so he started to yell. Eventually, I explained that I had found out info about him and he is not to ask me for anything that doesn't regard his children. His response was, "ok let's go look at my email and we'll see." He opened it up, I looked in the sent box and clicked on each message and showed him. He stared blankly at the screen and began to stutter. "Those are resumes," he finally said. "Really? You send pics out of you kissing a gun, your phone number out, messages asking for you to be hit up, another that talks about how you don't write much because females rarely read it, and another that talks about how you're good, you're nice, you're fun??? And at 3a.m.?? Do you think I don't know why people are up at 3a.m. contacting the opposite sex???" Silence. Silence. Silence. Silence. Then he asked to sit down. I got up and went in the bathroom and started to cry.
He then told me that there were arrows next to the messages that said the message had been forwarded, (I forwarded them to myself once I found them the other night) and that the image number of the pic didn't match the image number of that pic in his phone. I gave him that phone a month ago...the emails were sent in March...and his old phone couldn't send emails...so...his next reason for all of this? I did it. He said I broke into his email back in March and that I sent those messages out to other girls. Amazing. He screamed at me, he screamed at my kids and told them they were pitiful for comforting me while I was sobbing, and when I walked into my bedroom and sat on my bed he stuck his finger 2" away from my face and almost had his nose to mine while screaming. I didn't scream back, I just told him to get out of my face and kept crying. I told him he needs to move out and he said he's not going to. He said it's his house and he's staying here. I receive a food card and he told me that's his now too because he's a tax payer and I'm unemployed. I called the police and asked if I would get in trouble for changing the locks. They told me that if I do and he breaks in, he's in the right because he's established residency. I need a place to go. I can't take it anymore. The crazy, the drama, the walking on eggshells, and at the beginning of the week his mom was siding with me and yesterday she went back to his side. Figures. Family is family and that's what they do, even though my mom would kick my toosh if I behaved like this guy... I guess there are laws but they don't apply to him and I'm just angry all the time. I'm so tired of the abuse and anytime I vent to someone they tell me I made my bed. It tears me up inside because I'm the kind of person that would help anyone no questions asked and I don't even have the means to do it. I've never once told someone that something was their fault and I've never given someone advice without telling them HOW to do it too.
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I would be so grateful.
Now on to the important stuff:
Silas LOVES the beach. I took the kids last Saturday and Silas threw the fit of all fits when we were leaving. Of course, Chris and Kelsey HATE it. They hate that there aren't water slides and they're not fans of the sand. Lame.
On Tuesday night Kelsey taught Silas to shake hands with her when she says "nice to meet you." It's adorable!!!
With as much drama as this guy causes, one of the worst things that happened this week was that I found out all of my videos of Silas are gone. I use carbonite to back up my computer and the folders are there but they're all empty. My hard drive was wiped clean a few months ago too. I felt like something died when I realized his first year and a half is gone.
Tomorrow's another day.
He then told me that there were arrows next to the messages that said the message had been forwarded, (I forwarded them to myself once I found them the other night) and that the image number of the pic didn't match the image number of that pic in his phone. I gave him that phone a month ago...the emails were sent in March...and his old phone couldn't send emails...so...his next reason for all of this? I did it. He said I broke into his email back in March and that I sent those messages out to other girls. Amazing. He screamed at me, he screamed at my kids and told them they were pitiful for comforting me while I was sobbing, and when I walked into my bedroom and sat on my bed he stuck his finger 2" away from my face and almost had his nose to mine while screaming. I didn't scream back, I just told him to get out of my face and kept crying. I told him he needs to move out and he said he's not going to. He said it's his house and he's staying here. I receive a food card and he told me that's his now too because he's a tax payer and I'm unemployed. I called the police and asked if I would get in trouble for changing the locks. They told me that if I do and he breaks in, he's in the right because he's established residency. I need a place to go. I can't take it anymore. The crazy, the drama, the walking on eggshells, and at the beginning of the week his mom was siding with me and yesterday she went back to his side. Figures. Family is family and that's what they do, even though my mom would kick my toosh if I behaved like this guy... I guess there are laws but they don't apply to him and I'm just angry all the time. I'm so tired of the abuse and anytime I vent to someone they tell me I made my bed. It tears me up inside because I'm the kind of person that would help anyone no questions asked and I don't even have the means to do it. I've never once told someone that something was their fault and I've never given someone advice without telling them HOW to do it too.
I would be so grateful.
Now on to the important stuff:
Silas LOVES the beach. I took the kids last Saturday and Silas threw the fit of all fits when we were leaving. Of course, Chris and Kelsey HATE it. They hate that there aren't water slides and they're not fans of the sand. Lame.
On Tuesday night Kelsey taught Silas to shake hands with her when she says "nice to meet you." It's adorable!!!
With as much drama as this guy causes, one of the worst things that happened this week was that I found out all of my videos of Silas are gone. I use carbonite to back up my computer and the folders are there but they're all empty. My hard drive was wiped clean a few months ago too. I felt like something died when I realized his first year and a half is gone.
Tomorrow's another day.
Friday, June 8, 2012
...
Yesterday he went through my phone and started an argument with me over one of my girl friends texting me about her life. He hates this girl and claims she's his "enemy." He said that we are a family and I have to take on his enemies as my own. I don't have enemies. I think this guy is probably the only person I've ever felt I hated and most days I don't even care about him enough to give him my hatred. He claims that I am not loyal to him by remaining friends with her and that I'm disrespectful. Could this guy be any more like Drew Peterson? I don't even get mad when he says this stuff. I just think, "holy lifetime movie, this guy needs help."
Last night when he started in on me again, because he checked my phone again, and she had text me he said that he will find ways for me to prove I respect him. I told him that he is absolutely batshit crazy, needs medication, and counseling, and that we'll will never have any kind of relationship that's worth "proving." And in a healthy relationship, there's really nothing to prove. This is just complete garbage, as usual.
This morning he came into the bedroom and said he needed to talk to me. I sat up and he continued to tell me that he will not be disrespected in his own house where he's the only one working and paying the bills. Mind you, he paid June's rent 5 days late, and only gave me $300 for May. He still owes me $400 for May, eats the food here, and uses my car to get to and from work. I pay all the utilities, for all the household items, and anything any of the kids need. He also told me that while he's living here and taking care of "Dan's kids" that I'm to follow his demands. He divided the rent by 30 days and will pay for each day if I follow his rules. Today's demand is that I must add him on my facebook and send him a relationship request. If I don't do that he's not pay the rent today. I told him this behavior is exactly why I said he needs counseling and medication. I made it clear that we do not have a relationship therefore I will not say I do online. He said, "well, I guess you're not getting the rent today," and left. After wrapping my head around this disgusting control issue I sent him a text that read, "For each day you don't pay the rent, you cannot use my car the next day. You still owe me $400 for May. I deleted my facebook." He never text back, which is always the best thing.
I can tell this stress is taking a huge toll on my body. I've been sick for 2 weeks with a constant headache, nausea, and for the past two days I've had constant chest pain. I thought it was heartburn but I don't think that's what it is. I went to the Dr last week and I dropped 3cm. He put me back into the high risk category and sent me to a specialist to get an ultrasound.
So, there's her lips, nose, and umbilical cord. She looks identical to Silas. It's so precious.
Last night when he started in on me again, because he checked my phone again, and she had text me he said that he will find ways for me to prove I respect him. I told him that he is absolutely batshit crazy, needs medication, and counseling, and that we'll will never have any kind of relationship that's worth "proving." And in a healthy relationship, there's really nothing to prove. This is just complete garbage, as usual.
This morning he came into the bedroom and said he needed to talk to me. I sat up and he continued to tell me that he will not be disrespected in his own house where he's the only one working and paying the bills. Mind you, he paid June's rent 5 days late, and only gave me $300 for May. He still owes me $400 for May, eats the food here, and uses my car to get to and from work. I pay all the utilities, for all the household items, and anything any of the kids need. He also told me that while he's living here and taking care of "Dan's kids" that I'm to follow his demands. He divided the rent by 30 days and will pay for each day if I follow his rules. Today's demand is that I must add him on my facebook and send him a relationship request. If I don't do that he's not pay the rent today. I told him this behavior is exactly why I said he needs counseling and medication. I made it clear that we do not have a relationship therefore I will not say I do online. He said, "well, I guess you're not getting the rent today," and left. After wrapping my head around this disgusting control issue I sent him a text that read, "For each day you don't pay the rent, you cannot use my car the next day. You still owe me $400 for May. I deleted my facebook." He never text back, which is always the best thing.
I can tell this stress is taking a huge toll on my body. I've been sick for 2 weeks with a constant headache, nausea, and for the past two days I've had constant chest pain. I thought it was heartburn but I don't think that's what it is. I went to the Dr last week and I dropped 3cm. He put me back into the high risk category and sent me to a specialist to get an ultrasound.
So, there's her lips, nose, and umbilical cord. She looks identical to Silas. It's so precious.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Just in case I am missing or dead.
I found a post in a blog the other day that really helped me understand the kind of person who's living with/off of me. A woman was talking about another woman who has borderline personality disorder. She recommended a book and listed the following information about it:
Over the past 2.5 years I've read a ton of articles about different mood disorders but have never really been able to nail the experiences I have with this guy on the head. Well, this hit home. Every sentence in the above paragraphs are what I go through on an oh-so regular basis. I feel a little more at ease knowing that there's nothing that will change him. He will never seek medication or therapy. He will just bully me in every aspect of my life and I've detached so much but he's even punishing me for that. There's no winning.
No one reads this blog and that's probably a good thing. I started it because I had to go to court last year for major charges pressed against me by him over and incident that didn't really occur. Since then I've documented everything I possibly could to protect me and my children. Had I been found guilty my life would be altered negatively forever. He ruined parts of my life and mocks me for it every time he gets mad. It doesn't make me mad anymore. I just stopped loving him...or hoping for him. As I re-read what I just wrote I want to include that my life, as sad as I feel right now, isn't ruined. It's just harder than it's ever been. I had some sort of spiritual epiphany the other day while showering and realized that what he did to me is a blessing. It made me remove my rose colored glasses and everlasting pathetic hope. It took a very long time to get where I am now and I'm not where I want to be because I'm 30 weeks pregnant and unable to find a job. He's living here, moved himself in a few weeks ago when I asked him to babysit, and refuses to leave. I'm so drained I don't know what to do and my anxiety is so high that I went on Zoloft last Friday just so that my heart would stop palpating. He can't ever find that out because he'll mock me and call them my "anti-psychotics." Why am I so miserable? Because I want to move on but I'm stuck for the next 4-5 months. I just want to be happy and he is such a leech who sucks all the happiness out of everyone around him.
We're walking on eggshells all the time.
The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorderhas been especially useful and full of tips on how to deal with the BPD person.
The most consistent advice for dealing with a BPD is to go no contact with them. As in, there is really no good way to deal with a person with this disorder.
These people will always cycle through friends, and find themselves at odds with everyone at some point. They "paint people black" who just a week ago they put up on a pedestal. They are always fighting imagined threats, always thinking people are out to get them, take things from them, talking about them behind their backs, or going to abandon them.
They live in these fantasy worlds where they are the victim and often times will regularly abuse the legal system by filing false restraining orders and claiming things like domestic abuse when in fact they themselves are the abusers.
They are the mothers with Munchhausen syndrome who are constantly eating up the attention of ERs from having "sick" children, and the attention seekers who tell so many lies about their "hard life" and how everyone has abused them that they actually begin to believe their own lies and gain sympathy and help from soft hearted people who want to do the right thing.
And then, when everything unravels, and the people who have been helping them, start to realize the actual truth about them, and who they are actually dealing with, they will turn on those people too. And the cycle of abuse starts all over again and again and again with new people.Over the past 2.5 years I've read a ton of articles about different mood disorders but have never really been able to nail the experiences I have with this guy on the head. Well, this hit home. Every sentence in the above paragraphs are what I go through on an oh-so regular basis. I feel a little more at ease knowing that there's nothing that will change him. He will never seek medication or therapy. He will just bully me in every aspect of my life and I've detached so much but he's even punishing me for that. There's no winning.
No one reads this blog and that's probably a good thing. I started it because I had to go to court last year for major charges pressed against me by him over and incident that didn't really occur. Since then I've documented everything I possibly could to protect me and my children. Had I been found guilty my life would be altered negatively forever. He ruined parts of my life and mocks me for it every time he gets mad. It doesn't make me mad anymore. I just stopped loving him...or hoping for him. As I re-read what I just wrote I want to include that my life, as sad as I feel right now, isn't ruined. It's just harder than it's ever been. I had some sort of spiritual epiphany the other day while showering and realized that what he did to me is a blessing. It made me remove my rose colored glasses and everlasting pathetic hope. It took a very long time to get where I am now and I'm not where I want to be because I'm 30 weeks pregnant and unable to find a job. He's living here, moved himself in a few weeks ago when I asked him to babysit, and refuses to leave. I'm so drained I don't know what to do and my anxiety is so high that I went on Zoloft last Friday just so that my heart would stop palpating. He can't ever find that out because he'll mock me and call them my "anti-psychotics." Why am I so miserable? Because I want to move on but I'm stuck for the next 4-5 months. I just want to be happy and he is such a leech who sucks all the happiness out of everyone around him.
We're walking on eggshells all the time.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Handle others with your heart.
I lost my cool yesterday and I feel pretty bad about that. I feel worse over the reason why. After picking up my kids from school I told the kids how much I missed them yesterday and my daughter put her head down and looked away. I asked her what was wrong...she's a cancer...something's ALWAYS wrong...and she said, "Daddy said you just want us all to yourself." I have no idea why she would say that to me, daughters are mean I guess, but it set me over the edge and I said some things I've never said to my kids before. I've never defended myself to them if their dad has said anything to them, I've never bad mouthed him, I've never tried to get them to see him for what he really is. He saw them in March 2011 and March 2012, owes me $27K in child support, and if he doesn't drink he has seizures. The kids have seen him "smoke out of something silver" and have seen him "fall a lot." I don't even know how they remember such details when they don't see him on a regular basis. Anyway, now they're aware of how he is, but not based on what I said about him, but by comparing what I do v.s. what he does for them. My feelings are hurt and I'm sure hers are too. I don't know how to address it right now. When I was done "explaining" yesterday, Christopher came up behind me, hugged me, and said, "you really need someone to hug you right now." He knows how things are. He sees it. The only "excuse" they've ever heard me say is, "I can't I have to work." They've heard every excuse in the book from their dad. And a month ago he told our daughter she's not his anyway so stop calling him. Awesome. Absolutely awesome on so many levels. She doesn't even understand what he meant.
I was super crabby yesterday, ultimately gutted by my child, and then I got a facebook friend request from the reason why I deleted my old page and made a new one under a latin name. Since he's here all the time, I approved it, although there was major hesitation. Shortly after that he sent me a relationship request that I couldn't even acknowledge which led to a huge fight...and now I don't need to get him evicted because he's moving out himself. It was pretty frustrating to get screamed at for 25 minutes at 1a.m. And eventually I just looked up and super duper calmly said something along the lines of, "dude...you're a loser. You're 34 years old screaming at me over FACEBOOK. There's 3 sleeping kids in the other rooms yet all you care about is yourself. So what if I don't want to be hip with you on facebook? I'm embarrassed by you and I'm embarrassed I tolerate your bullshit. I'm 30 weeks pregnant and THIS is the shit you put me through once a week like clockwork." He about fell over when I said I was embarrassed by him and said that the way he treats me on facebook is MY fault. I then reminded him that everything he says on facebook is actually a lie, it's not my fault that he's a liar, and it's not my fault he acts like trash. Was that bad? I'm sure it was for him because he walked out and didn't come back, threw a good ol' "fuck you" on his way out to which I replied with, "no thank you" and he SLAMMED the door. Usually, the only emotion I have left for him is anger but I don't even have that anymore. It's so much bigger than that. My daughter is displaying daddy issues over some douchebag who doesn't really give a fat poop about her. I don't want her to make the same mistakes I made trying to get someone to love her and mess up her life over a drunk.
And the new baby name list is:
Sasha
Stella
Kimber (Kelsey wants her to have a K name like her)
I was super crabby yesterday, ultimately gutted by my child, and then I got a facebook friend request from the reason why I deleted my old page and made a new one under a latin name. Since he's here all the time, I approved it, although there was major hesitation. Shortly after that he sent me a relationship request that I couldn't even acknowledge which led to a huge fight...and now I don't need to get him evicted because he's moving out himself. It was pretty frustrating to get screamed at for 25 minutes at 1a.m. And eventually I just looked up and super duper calmly said something along the lines of, "dude...you're a loser. You're 34 years old screaming at me over FACEBOOK. There's 3 sleeping kids in the other rooms yet all you care about is yourself. So what if I don't want to be hip with you on facebook? I'm embarrassed by you and I'm embarrassed I tolerate your bullshit. I'm 30 weeks pregnant and THIS is the shit you put me through once a week like clockwork." He about fell over when I said I was embarrassed by him and said that the way he treats me on facebook is MY fault. I then reminded him that everything he says on facebook is actually a lie, it's not my fault that he's a liar, and it's not my fault he acts like trash. Was that bad? I'm sure it was for him because he walked out and didn't come back, threw a good ol' "fuck you" on his way out to which I replied with, "no thank you" and he SLAMMED the door. Usually, the only emotion I have left for him is anger but I don't even have that anymore. It's so much bigger than that. My daughter is displaying daddy issues over some douchebag who doesn't really give a fat poop about her. I don't want her to make the same mistakes I made trying to get someone to love her and mess up her life over a drunk.
And the new baby name list is:
Sasha
Stella
Kimber (Kelsey wants her to have a K name like her)
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Confessions of the chronic worrier...
Inside I'm an anxious mess but you'd never be able to tell by looking at me.
I breathe way too fast, my brain is scattered, I can't focus yet I can focus on exactly what I don't want to be thinking about, and my legs really hurt.
I'm trying to talk myself out of these thoughts and it's working to an extent. But the more I talk my brain out of them, the more my body feels.
I'm scared.
Someone, the usual someone, is trying to cause damage to my life. He's trying to get me evicted out of my house. So much for making a deal with the devil. He's trying to establish residency here so that I'm stuck supporting him too. Who are these people that leech off pregnant, jobless, single moms anyway??
I don't know what to do anymore. I never know what to do. I get my life threatened constantly if I don't put up with him and I get my house/well being/emotional health/finances threatened if I do put up with him.
I feel trapped all the time.
I breathe way too fast, my brain is scattered, I can't focus yet I can focus on exactly what I don't want to be thinking about, and my legs really hurt.
I'm trying to talk myself out of these thoughts and it's working to an extent. But the more I talk my brain out of them, the more my body feels.
I'm scared.
Someone, the usual someone, is trying to cause damage to my life. He's trying to get me evicted out of my house. So much for making a deal with the devil. He's trying to establish residency here so that I'm stuck supporting him too. Who are these people that leech off pregnant, jobless, single moms anyway??
I don't know what to do anymore. I never know what to do. I get my life threatened constantly if I don't put up with him and I get my house/well being/emotional health/finances threatened if I do put up with him.
I feel trapped all the time.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Ack, ack, ack, ack.
Last night, while laying in bed watching t.v. the conversation went like this:
Me: "How often do you masturbate?"
He: "Rarely - this conversation is over."
Me: "................um.................why?"
He: No response
Me: "Why aren't I allowed to know anything about you?"
He: No response
So, I got up silently, walked out of the room, and slept on the couch.
Today, I'm being told that I only ask questions like that because I'm insecure. I don't really like providing too much information, (although sometimes it's funny) but I'm definitely not insecure in between the bed sheets. And I'm definitely not physically insecure. So I call that projection. Since I refused to agree with him that I'M the insecure one, and since I refused to "get physical" with him again until he could be mature enough to talk about things like sex/masturbation/future birth control, (his answer is always "that's entirely up to you") he said he'll change his answer from "rarely" to "more often"...and if I have a dildo and use it then I'm technically cheating on him anyway. He also explained that dildos are purchased in "smut shops" and only perverts shop in smut shops. "Women using dildos are commonly viewed as perverts." This things that come out of this person's mouth are comical. I can't help but laugh at the ignorance, or at the fact that when I point out he's being insecure/irrational/verbally and emotionally abusive, he claims that I'm physically abusive. I didn't know self defense was abuse. I'm drained. If I ever brought up/bring up the past, I'm berated, but everything's A-OK when he does it.
I'm real tired of people creating drama where none need be created. All I ever wonder is if this guy's seriously behaving like this right now...there's people with REAL problems. REAL ones. Like, they're homeless, diseased, sick, unemployed, have sick children, etc., and you're throwing a fit about masturbation? Are you the next Charles Manson or what??
GOD!
Why can't I either be left alone with my kids or just find someone normal?
Speaking of my kids...Silas understands the concept of "Tag." It's adorable! He only wants to tag people and be chased though. He LOVES being chased. He also LOVES when I chase him around while growling. He laughs hysterically. He laughs at everything. I've never met someone who's so happy to be doing anything and everything. Truly a blessing, as everyone told me he'd be during my pregnancy with him.
I'm beginning to think that Christopher's depressed. Or just entering the awkward stage of life. I can't tell. He seems sad a lot, but says he's ok. I could also be over analyzing him because I'm super emotional right now. Maybe it's me who's depressed and I just want to make sure he never feels like I do. I also want to make sure he never treats someone the way I'm treated.
Kelsey's just plain moody. She makes me think astrology is real. She's such a little cancer. Sigh.
I don't like the name Stella sometimes. I don't know. I do like that I've gained 28lbs so far. I don't look like I belong in a concentration camp anymore.
Is it bedtime yet?
Me: "How often do you masturbate?"
He: "Rarely - this conversation is over."
Me: "................um.................why?"
He: No response
Me: "Why aren't I allowed to know anything about you?"
He: No response
So, I got up silently, walked out of the room, and slept on the couch.
Today, I'm being told that I only ask questions like that because I'm insecure. I don't really like providing too much information, (although sometimes it's funny) but I'm definitely not insecure in between the bed sheets. And I'm definitely not physically insecure. So I call that projection. Since I refused to agree with him that I'M the insecure one, and since I refused to "get physical" with him again until he could be mature enough to talk about things like sex/masturbation/future birth control, (his answer is always "that's entirely up to you") he said he'll change his answer from "rarely" to "more often"...and if I have a dildo and use it then I'm technically cheating on him anyway. He also explained that dildos are purchased in "smut shops" and only perverts shop in smut shops. "Women using dildos are commonly viewed as perverts." This things that come out of this person's mouth are comical. I can't help but laugh at the ignorance, or at the fact that when I point out he's being insecure/irrational/verbally and emotionally abusive, he claims that I'm physically abusive. I didn't know self defense was abuse. I'm drained. If I ever brought up/bring up the past, I'm berated, but everything's A-OK when he does it.
I'm real tired of people creating drama where none need be created. All I ever wonder is if this guy's seriously behaving like this right now...there's people with REAL problems. REAL ones. Like, they're homeless, diseased, sick, unemployed, have sick children, etc., and you're throwing a fit about masturbation? Are you the next Charles Manson or what??
GOD!
Why can't I either be left alone with my kids or just find someone normal?
Speaking of my kids...Silas understands the concept of "Tag." It's adorable! He only wants to tag people and be chased though. He LOVES being chased. He also LOVES when I chase him around while growling. He laughs hysterically. He laughs at everything. I've never met someone who's so happy to be doing anything and everything. Truly a blessing, as everyone told me he'd be during my pregnancy with him.
I'm beginning to think that Christopher's depressed. Or just entering the awkward stage of life. I can't tell. He seems sad a lot, but says he's ok. I could also be over analyzing him because I'm super emotional right now. Maybe it's me who's depressed and I just want to make sure he never feels like I do. I also want to make sure he never treats someone the way I'm treated.
Kelsey's just plain moody. She makes me think astrology is real. She's such a little cancer. Sigh.
I don't like the name Stella sometimes. I don't know. I do like that I've gained 28lbs so far. I don't look like I belong in a concentration camp anymore.
Is it bedtime yet?
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Questions to Judge Your Relationship
Is your boyfriend often indifferent to your activities, interests, ideas, feelings, or problems?
Yes. He is completely dismissive of these things unless he agrees with them.
Does he compromise in little things, such as where to go or what to do?
No. If I'm uncomfortable somewhere he tells me to leave.
Is he selfish?
Yes. Currently, he does not ask about my pregnancy because "it has nothing to do with" him.
Have you often been very disappointed, hurt, or upset by him?
I've never been so disappointed, hurt, or upset by anyone else in my life. I spend a good majority of my days feeling regret over ever being with him and then I feel guilty because I don't regret Silas.
Do you often feel manipulated?
I NEVER get to do what I want or what's best for me when he's around, so yes.
Can he admit to making mistakes and apologize?
He's never admitted a mistake. He's apologized on 4 separate occasions, each time saying, "I'm sorry for whatever it is I contributed to us fighting." He never owns anything or seems to know what it is he did wrong.
Can he forgive you?
No. Absolutely not.
How does he treat you when:
He feels angry?
When he's angry he uses his time with Silas to verbally assault me through text/email. He's also had Silas dedicated behind my back, kept him illegally, (due to our court order) for an entire weekend while I was nursing, and taken him to the ER claiming Silas was suffering from an overdose, (although he was not currently taking any medication) to try and get Silas taken away from me. He intimidates me and embarrasses me online and talks to me like an idiot in public. He makes up stories about me to authorities and mutual friends to get people against me or get me in trouble.
Things go wrong?
See above paragraph.
You have many problems?
He withdraws.
When you feel upset or depressed?
He yells or laughs at me and then withdraws.
Does he show patience in anger? Hit walls, throw or break objects, or hurt animals in anger?
He pushes me, throws his hands in the air, and yells, "get your hands off of me!!"
Does he become angry frequently or unnecessarily?
Anytime I show emotion he loses control.
Is his anger sometimes very intense?
He threatened my life on a public forum so I stayed at my friend's house overnight, so I'd say yes.
How does he treat other people when he feels angry?
He yells at and insults them, then shuts them out of his life until they come to him.
Has he threatened, intimidated, or hit you or anyone else?
All of the above.
Can you spontaneously say what you feel, or do certain topics result in bad feelings or trouble?
I walk on eggshells and if I don't it's a disaster.
Is he open to your expressing your needs in the relationship, or occasionally unwilling to listen and discuss things?
He criticizes me if I have needs.
Can you discuss and resolve problems and sensitive issues?
I don't bother because he'll just blow up and blame me for everything.
Do you both compromise or does he always dominate and you give in?
I give in to keep the peace.
Do you trust him?
NO
Is he honest and dependable?
NO
Have there been many lies or deceptions by not telling the whole truth?
YES
Do you feel comfortable and relaxed when you are together?
I feel ugly, incompetent, scared, and stupid.
Can you enjoy yourself and have fun?
No. One wrong move and he'll call the cops with some random and ridiculous story.
Does he show good judgment that considers the future consequences of his actions on both of you?
He doesn't ever plan for the future.
Does he have an alcohol or drug problem?
I've been told he is an alcoholic by a few alcoholics.
Do you respect each other’s values and goals?
I respect his.
Does he bring out the best in you or does he bring out negative things?
He brings out nothing in me. I've learned to act like a robot around him.
Does this contribute to your problems, such as depression or low self-esteem?
My self esteem has been replaced by anxiety. Some days I don't even want to leave my house because I have developed such a complex.
Are you both proud to be seen together?
No. I immediately feel negatively judged because of all the horrible things he tells people about me.
Yes. He is completely dismissive of these things unless he agrees with them.
Does he compromise in little things, such as where to go or what to do?
No. If I'm uncomfortable somewhere he tells me to leave.
Is he selfish?
Yes. Currently, he does not ask about my pregnancy because "it has nothing to do with" him.
Have you often been very disappointed, hurt, or upset by him?
I've never been so disappointed, hurt, or upset by anyone else in my life. I spend a good majority of my days feeling regret over ever being with him and then I feel guilty because I don't regret Silas.
Do you often feel manipulated?
I NEVER get to do what I want or what's best for me when he's around, so yes.
Can he admit to making mistakes and apologize?
He's never admitted a mistake. He's apologized on 4 separate occasions, each time saying, "I'm sorry for whatever it is I contributed to us fighting." He never owns anything or seems to know what it is he did wrong.
Can he forgive you?
No. Absolutely not.
How does he treat you when:
He feels angry?
When he's angry he uses his time with Silas to verbally assault me through text/email. He's also had Silas dedicated behind my back, kept him illegally, (due to our court order) for an entire weekend while I was nursing, and taken him to the ER claiming Silas was suffering from an overdose, (although he was not currently taking any medication) to try and get Silas taken away from me. He intimidates me and embarrasses me online and talks to me like an idiot in public. He makes up stories about me to authorities and mutual friends to get people against me or get me in trouble.
Things go wrong?
See above paragraph.
You have many problems?
He withdraws.
When you feel upset or depressed?
He yells or laughs at me and then withdraws.
Does he show patience in anger? Hit walls, throw or break objects, or hurt animals in anger?
He pushes me, throws his hands in the air, and yells, "get your hands off of me!!"
Does he become angry frequently or unnecessarily?
Anytime I show emotion he loses control.
Is his anger sometimes very intense?
He threatened my life on a public forum so I stayed at my friend's house overnight, so I'd say yes.
How does he treat other people when he feels angry?
He yells at and insults them, then shuts them out of his life until they come to him.
Has he threatened, intimidated, or hit you or anyone else?
All of the above.
Can you spontaneously say what you feel, or do certain topics result in bad feelings or trouble?
I walk on eggshells and if I don't it's a disaster.
Is he open to your expressing your needs in the relationship, or occasionally unwilling to listen and discuss things?
He criticizes me if I have needs.
Can you discuss and resolve problems and sensitive issues?
I don't bother because he'll just blow up and blame me for everything.
Do you both compromise or does he always dominate and you give in?
I give in to keep the peace.
Do you trust him?
NO
Is he honest and dependable?
NO
Have there been many lies or deceptions by not telling the whole truth?
YES
Do you feel comfortable and relaxed when you are together?
I feel ugly, incompetent, scared, and stupid.
Can you enjoy yourself and have fun?
No. One wrong move and he'll call the cops with some random and ridiculous story.
Does he show good judgment that considers the future consequences of his actions on both of you?
He doesn't ever plan for the future.
Does he have an alcohol or drug problem?
I've been told he is an alcoholic by a few alcoholics.
Do you respect each other’s values and goals?
I respect his.
Does he bring out the best in you or does he bring out negative things?
He brings out nothing in me. I've learned to act like a robot around him.
Does this contribute to your problems, such as depression or low self-esteem?
My self esteem has been replaced by anxiety. Some days I don't even want to leave my house because I have developed such a complex.
Are you both proud to be seen together?
No. I immediately feel negatively judged because of all the horrible things he tells people about me.
Monday, March 12, 2012
It even hurts when I hold my breath.
The past 3 days have hurt me beyond words. I am strangely trying to feel the pain, rather than push it away, so that I can remember how it feels, and so I stop repeating my mistakes.
He tried to move back in with me for 6 months. Every month I said no. Every month I opened up and revealed another reason why I couldn't allow it. And every month, regarding how much he told me he wanted to be a family, he broke up with me, belittled me, embarrassed me, and broke me down. And what happened? I really needed him. I lost my job, I'm struggling through a high risk pregnancy, my immune system despises me lately so I thought, "maybe this is God's way of telling me I need to let go and trust my ex." So I did. I allowed him to begin moving in. I begin spending money on things I needed but haven't had the money to buy due to one income. And what happens? His "good friend" dies and within 4 days his behavior towards the "family" turns cold. He turns his back on my kids because he couldn't figure out which one of them ate his reese cup. He tells them he can't live here because theyre liars. He becomes infuriated with me because I had bronchitis and was unable to make him dinner. He spends the night at his moms, "doing laundry." He attends a funeral and when I ask to go along with him, he refuses. And he refused because of his ex.
After I told him his behavior was unacceptable and that grieving is no excuse to rekindle old flames, he put two status updates about me on facebook. This couldn't be more painful to me. Why? He carries a gun and mirrors Drew Peterson. It terrifies me to have someone use my whole name, making horrible and false accusations about me, putting pregnant me and my kids in danger, and then watching onlookers diagnose me, encourage him, and call him a good dad. More than a dozen people on his page prove to be as jacked up as he is and what any or all of them could do to me and my kids scares the life out of me.
What good dad endangers their infant and unborn child on a social networking site? What good dad claims their pregnant ex needs to be disposed of? What good dad calls someone trashy, a hussy, a psycho, white trash, a cunt, etc.? He's displaying the behaviors he claims I am. And no one notices. I actually feel embarrassed for him and even more embarrassed for his "friends" who participate in this. They should all be ashamed. Anyone who was his real friend would remind him that his behavior on facebook last year this time is why he has such limited visitation. Good job, "good dad."
Good job. And real good job choosing to use your exes grieving period to weasel your way back into her life...choosing her over "being the family" you wanted for 6 months...choosing her over being involved in the pregnancy and the birth of your own daughter. Good job. His ex is so important to him that he had to rip me apart online because I defended the family he led me to believe we were.
It's just fuckin sick. I filed a police report yesterday a.m. and kept my kids home from school today because I am/was too scared. And I don't know what to do anymore.
He tried to move back in with me for 6 months. Every month I said no. Every month I opened up and revealed another reason why I couldn't allow it. And every month, regarding how much he told me he wanted to be a family, he broke up with me, belittled me, embarrassed me, and broke me down. And what happened? I really needed him. I lost my job, I'm struggling through a high risk pregnancy, my immune system despises me lately so I thought, "maybe this is God's way of telling me I need to let go and trust my ex." So I did. I allowed him to begin moving in. I begin spending money on things I needed but haven't had the money to buy due to one income. And what happens? His "good friend" dies and within 4 days his behavior towards the "family" turns cold. He turns his back on my kids because he couldn't figure out which one of them ate his reese cup. He tells them he can't live here because theyre liars. He becomes infuriated with me because I had bronchitis and was unable to make him dinner. He spends the night at his moms, "doing laundry." He attends a funeral and when I ask to go along with him, he refuses. And he refused because of his ex.
After I told him his behavior was unacceptable and that grieving is no excuse to rekindle old flames, he put two status updates about me on facebook. This couldn't be more painful to me. Why? He carries a gun and mirrors Drew Peterson. It terrifies me to have someone use my whole name, making horrible and false accusations about me, putting pregnant me and my kids in danger, and then watching onlookers diagnose me, encourage him, and call him a good dad. More than a dozen people on his page prove to be as jacked up as he is and what any or all of them could do to me and my kids scares the life out of me.
What good dad endangers their infant and unborn child on a social networking site? What good dad claims their pregnant ex needs to be disposed of? What good dad calls someone trashy, a hussy, a psycho, white trash, a cunt, etc.? He's displaying the behaviors he claims I am. And no one notices. I actually feel embarrassed for him and even more embarrassed for his "friends" who participate in this. They should all be ashamed. Anyone who was his real friend would remind him that his behavior on facebook last year this time is why he has such limited visitation. Good job, "good dad."
Good job. And real good job choosing to use your exes grieving period to weasel your way back into her life...choosing her over "being the family" you wanted for 6 months...choosing her over being involved in the pregnancy and the birth of your own daughter. Good job. His ex is so important to him that he had to rip me apart online because I defended the family he led me to believe we were.
It's just fuckin sick. I filed a police report yesterday a.m. and kept my kids home from school today because I am/was too scared. And I don't know what to do anymore.
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