I love my kids so much it's undefinable.

I'm lucky. I'm blessed. Call it whatever you want to call it. My kids bring me so much happiness that at times I feel like my heart is going to explode.

Christopher is such a good kid. He's considerate. He's at the age where seeing girls naked is something that makes him uncomfortable. He likes privacy when he pees. He works at enunciating his words, calls his grandma to see if she needs anything done around the house, reprimands his brother for repeating the word "sucks," practices the flute daily, bathes his baby sister and rocks her to sleep, and starts my car in the morning. He's a home body. He's a lot like me.

Kelsey is on her way to puberty. She's pretty emotional, I feel like nothing's ever good enough, yet she's so happy to be with her family. She has a bond with her brothers that no one can touch. I've never seen anything like it. Her baby brother means the world to her. She showers with him, reads him stories, and gets him ready for daycare in the morning. She's the best helper I've ever met and at times I don't know what I'd do without her help. I admire her social skills and confidence. She's been doing great at school since I got her an IEP and she's decided she wants to go to fashion school to design clothes. My mom is going to teach her to sew.

Silas speaks!! About 3 weeks ago his vocabulary developed immensely in to full blown toddler tornado chatter box madness. He can say every word. He can even spell "coke," and he's read a few words here and there. I wonder if he was learning every word until he knew them all and then decided to talk. His new phrase is, "I love it!" He's awesome. He's become quite the little hoarder since he began daycare. He has gift bags and boxes filled with everything you could imagine, from valentines day cards to q-tips to Barbie shoes. Whenever something goes missing I know where to find it. He also has a friend at school named Edward, who he tells on constantly, yet says goodbye to daily. It's super adorable.

And Stella. Oh, my sweet little baby "La." She's so squishy and cuddly. She's a total mommy's girl. It makes me feel like I'm on a cloud. I can't leave the room or turn away from her without her whining. I tried laying her down in her crib last night and she winced the second I walked away. I'm a caver. I picked her right back up, held her tight, and she molded her body to mine. Pure love!! She's always happy, says "baba, nana, dada, mama, fafa," and loves sweet potatoes and rice cereal. She bounces when she's excited too. I have no idea where she gets that from...

Oh baby, you're not really a baby anymore.

Silas said, "I love you" to me last night!!!  Perfect.  He's been, "lo-law-low-ing" for the past 3 days and he turned it into I love you.  So precious!

The kids and I went out to eat with my mom last night.  Silas fell asleep in the car on the way to the restaurant at 5p.m. on the dot like usual and when we arrived he woke up and was a super sweetheart.  He was quiet...he's NEVER quiet!  He usually screams in delight with his arms above his head everywhere we go.  It's awesome and cracks me up constantly.  I've never had such a happy kid.  He babbled to my mom in an indoor voice, ate all Christopher's fruit cup and all 3 pieces of my sausage links, and drank his entire chocolate milk.  After dinner we went to the fabric store where Silas shrieked with excitement for about 20 minutes while my mom and I picked out fabric for curtains in my bedroom.  Oh boy, it's a pretty obnoxious pattern, but I'm excited!  My mom took Chris and Kelsey to her house with her while I took Silas to Hallmark for his baby sister's 1 year calendar and to Walmart so I could get a can of paint replaced.  He was such a good boy in both stores, babbling to everyone, waving bye bye, and only occasionally trying to bite and lick me, (sometimes he thinks he's a puppy - no joke) which was a plus for my hands and wrists.

Monday night I caught Silas in Kelsey's room brushing Barbie's hair with a Barbie brush.  He's getting ready to have a baby sister!!  Also that night I caught Stella Kat's foot through my stomach.  I did that with Silas when I was only about 18 weeks along with him.  It's the coolest thing in the world, one of those memories that always bring me back to the exact excitement I felt at the time I made the memory.

I love, love, love having a toddler.  I forgot how much I love this phase.  They're so weird, quirky, and lovey dovey...just like me!!!  I am so pumped about this new baby!!!  I had contractions 10 minutes apart last night for 2 hours until I fell asleep.  Hopefully, she'll be here soon!  

I may not have the best of everything. But that's just your opinion.

Thank God it's not 98 degrees today.  The heat makes me throw up spontaneously.  I have central air, another thing to be thankful for, but after it gets to a certain temperature outside c/a doesn't do much of anything.  Today was different.  Phew!  I was able to stay outside with the kids all day.  All I ever want to be is a stay at home mom.  I love cooking and cleaning and laundry and crafting.  I love that everyday I find another small project to complete.  With 3 kids I've compiled an enormous list of small projects.  I could keep myself busy for years.  I love listening to my kids' weird conversations and watching them play together.  It's gotta be one of the coolest things in the world to have siblings.

Silas makes a new sound every few hours.  I sometimes wish he'd put them all together and say what he wants instead of having mini meltdowns when he gets frustrated but I find myself loving, maybe a little too much, that he's still such a baby in some ways.  

He can say:  Ya, no, baba, momma, uh oh, oh, oh no, wow, thee kee (thank you), issy (sissy), bye, mmmnumanumanuma (he wants food)

He still wakes up for a ba at 5a.m. like clockwork.  He's been sleeping in his toddler bed...most of the time...but he often wakes up, runs down the hall to my room, and says, "momma iwa up up!"  I can't resist that!  He's my buddy.  I have a bond with him I've never had with my older two because they had each other.  I'm hoping he'll still be my buddy when Stella Kat arrives.  Right now he's not too fond of her...he yells "no" at my belly when he sees it.  Adorable!

I got bored with facebook so I deleted it last week.  Any way to keep my life mine is wonderful and gives me so much energy for productive experiences.  Plus, I'm just bored in general with social networking.  I'd rather get together with people in person than only online.  All in all I'm happy.  I went to the doctor last week and I'm 1cm dilated and 50% effaced.  He wants to induce me on 7/21 so Silas and Stella don't have the same birthday but I figure if I get to the 21st and she's still in there, let's see when she comes out on her own.  It no longer bothers me if they have the same birthday.  I can prepare a huge birthday bash just fine.

Yawn!  Nap time.

Day 7 minus feeding into the bullshit: Hot damn, I'm awesome.

Last night my ex said he was going to wake up early today and come pick up the baby for a few hours before he had to work at 4p.m.  I told him we'd be up by 8a.m. and he could come any time after that.  5:45p.m. today rolled around and I received a text.  "How is Silas feeling?"  Silas was sick all day Saturday, Saturday night, and all day Sunday.  He had a fever and couldn't stop throwing up.  It's pretty exhausting to be pregnant with a sick baby.  I forgot about that.  It's been 9 years since my last round of babies.  I kept the conversation on Silas and asked why he didn't show.  He said that he didn't wake up in time.  Must've been another long night of peeing in bus stops and prancing around wasted with unicorns painted on our heads...kept my thoughts to myself and told him I needed a new car seat and playpen for Stella.  I said it would be really cool if he could contribute something towards her and that I'd greatly appreciate it.  His response?  "That sucks.  Why don't you ask your facebook friends for child support to get that stuff?"

Another display of awesomeness from the "conservative Christian amazing father" whose mother pays his child support...which they're 3 months late on...but anyway...

I didn't respond.  He's baiting me.  If he can suck me back in emotionally he can drain me until I break and he ends up manipulating me back into the relationship.  Eff that.  I've got the game he plays all figured out.  I'm a ex-blind expert at it.

I realized today that I didn't receive child support from my ex husband, or ANY support from him, for 7 years and it didn't bother me one bit.  Why not?  Because he was proud he didn't pay child support.  He "had alcohol to buy."  He never said he was a great dad, never pretended to be one, never made himself out to be anything, and I've gotta be real  honest...I respect that.  At least he knew he wasn't the better parent and stepped out.  And because of that I've never been angry with him over anything.  It's so much easier to accept a person when you know, and when they admit what they are, or aren't.

This time around with my ex boyfriend is obviously so filled with challenges, one of them learning to be ok without receiving physical or financial help from a guy who tells everyone he goes above and beyond to be a wonderful dad.  And on days he's not being a good dad he's telling everyone around him that it's my fault or his mother's fault that he can't be a good dad.

Other than all that jazz, life is good.  Silas is feeling better, I taught him to dance like a couple and he LOVES it, he's been a broken record of "uh oh" and "Nnnnnyoooo", and Kelsey's birthday is tomorrow.

They just keep growing up...

Day 1 minus pain: Happy Belated Father's Day

Everything my dad taught me not to be, he is, and so is every douchebag I've ever dated.  Lazy, controlling, a drunk, mentally abusive, disgusted by lazy people, racist, narcissistic, angry, thoughtless, and cheap.  The great thing about it is that I'm not any of these things, but the older I become the less I can tolerate these behaviors.  Actually, I can't tolerate them at all anymore.  I hear my dad's voice saying, "these people treat you like garbage.  They're complete garbage.  That guy's self centered and worthless.  He's 34 years old, can't hold a job, doesn't have a car or his own place, he's fat and lazy, lives off his mom, and pulls the 'feel sorry for me I didn't have a dad' act."  My dad's dad left him and his four younger brothers 28 years ago and he still holds a grudge about it because his dad took all his younger brothers money from their bank accounts.  My dad drinks everyday, he wouldn't call to check on me if I was quadriplegic, if anyone has a problem he says they did it to themselves, he took all my money out of my savings and spent it on his mail order bride, he can't even figure out how to fill a nail hole in the wall, but he'll save hundreds of blue bags filled with recyclables in his garage for the extra change.  Over the past year I've had zero relationship with my dad and for whatever reason, that's helped me a lot with letting go of guys who are wrong for me.  So, thanks dad for not being there for me.  Ever.  You've made me a great mom and over the next few years I'll move on with my life and find a guy who is good to me because I'm done dating guys like you.

This was me a year ago.

I'm not "there" anymore.

For the past 34 hours I've been feeling like this is too good to be true.  He's gone.  He moved out.  Although he's still saying that my landlord needs to evict him, (control issue) he doesn't.  The landlord evicted him in November 2010 and therefore him being here is trespassing.  The criminal kind.  There's probably been about a 30min total where I've felt...I don't know...hurt?  Sad?  I am human, it would be weird if I didn't feel any negative emotion over this, or would it?

I feel:  used, betrayed, controlled, manipulated, disgusted, dirty, embarrassed, sad for Silas and Stella, worried that they'll be utterly damaged by their dad, ugly, below average, rejected, and stupid.


And although I feel all these things, something inside me has changed and I feel too strong to let my feelings control me.  Almost like I acknowledge that they're there but they don't define me.  I've never been able to really do this before.  Usually, a break up defines me...if I truly loved the person...and it takes a very long time to run it's course through me.  This time that's not happening because I know all the anxiety, stress, pain, drama, and depression I went through was ultimately something I went through for someone else.  I kept thinking that the more I took, the more he'd realize how awesome these kids and I are and he'd snap out of it.  When times were good I would hope that they'd never change and I'd tell him he was my best bud.  In past relationships I was a fuckin' jerk.  Constantly.  I thought whoever I was with needed to prove something to me.  I was young and ignorant and super insecure.  I just figured he needed persistence like I needed back then, but he's too old and too deep into it, and the extent of maliciousness he goes to is extreme.  That's the scary part.  Most people can take a step back and realize that they screwed up but he doesn't have that ability.  I learned that nothing is all I can do.  He and his mom are going to be beyond furious and over dramatic when they're not included in Stella's birth or even the signing of the birth certificate.  They're going to try to keep Silas from me, they're going to tell me what a horrible person I am, he's going to post my first and last name all over facebook, and they're going to take no responsibility for the way they've treated me and more importantly my kids.  And you know what?  Now that I know what to expect I don't care how they behave.  I know I'm making the right decisions this time.  Doing everything their way, being constantly manipulated, treating them how I wanted to be treated go me exactly where I am.  Doing it on my own for the 4th time. 


But it's better this way.  I don't have to deal with things like this anymore.

Handle others with your heart.

I lost my cool yesterday and I feel pretty bad about that.  I feel worse over the reason why.  After picking up my kids from school I told the kids how much I missed them yesterday and my daughter put her head down and looked away.  I asked her what was wrong...she's a cancer...something's ALWAYS wrong...and she said, "Daddy said you just want us all to yourself."  I have no idea why she would say that to me, daughters are mean I guess, but it set me over the edge and I said some things I've never said to my kids before.  I've never defended myself to them if their dad has said anything to them, I've never bad mouthed him, I've never tried to get them to see him for what he really is.  He saw them in March 2011 and March 2012, owes me $27K in child support, and if he doesn't drink he has seizures.  The kids have seen him "smoke out of something silver" and have seen him "fall a lot."  I don't even know how they remember such details when they don't see him on a regular basis.  Anyway, now they're aware of how he is, but not based on what I said about him, but by comparing what I do v.s. what he does for them.  My feelings are hurt and I'm sure hers are too.  I don't know how to address it right now.  When I was done "explaining" yesterday, Christopher came up behind me, hugged me, and said, "you really need someone to hug you right now."  He knows how things are.  He sees it.  The only "excuse" they've ever heard me say is, "I can't I have to work."  They've heard every excuse in the book from their dad.  And a month ago he told our daughter she's not his anyway so stop calling him.  Awesome.  Absolutely awesome on so many levels.  She doesn't even understand what he meant.

I was super crabby yesterday, ultimately gutted by my child, and then I got a facebook friend request from the reason why I deleted my old page and made a new one under a latin name.  Since he's here all the time, I approved it, although there was major hesitation.  Shortly after that he sent me a relationship request that I couldn't even acknowledge which led to a huge fight...and now I don't need to get him evicted because he's moving out himself.  It was pretty frustrating to get screamed at for 25 minutes at 1a.m.  And eventually I just looked up and super duper calmly said something along the lines of, "dude...you're a loser.  You're 34 years old screaming at me over FACEBOOK.  There's 3 sleeping kids in the other rooms yet all you care about is yourself.  So what if I don't want to be hip with you on facebook?  I'm embarrassed by you and I'm embarrassed I tolerate your bullshit.  I'm 30 weeks pregnant and THIS is the shit you put me through once a week like clockwork."  He about fell over when I said I was embarrassed by him and said that the way he treats me on facebook is MY fault.  I then reminded him that everything he says on facebook is actually a lie, it's not my fault that he's a liar, and it's not my fault he acts like trash.  Was that bad?  I'm sure it was for him because he walked out and didn't come back, threw a good ol' "fuck you" on his way out to which I replied with, "no thank you" and he SLAMMED the door.  Usually, the only emotion I have left for him is anger but I don't even have that anymore.  It's so much bigger than that.  My daughter is displaying daddy issues over some douchebag who doesn't really give a fat poop about her.  I don't want her to make the same mistakes I made trying to get someone to love her and mess up her life over a drunk.

And the new baby name list is:
Sasha
Stella
Kimber (Kelsey wants her to have a K name like her)

I'm not ready for all this growing up nonsense.

Two nights ago, Silas gave his dad and me REAL kisses.  He tried to open mouth kiss me, which was super cute, so I kept showing him how to smooch and he did it!!!  He's the best baby even though he's not really a baby anymore.  He whispered "pee-sa" a few nights ago as he took a piece of pizza off of my plate.  I loved it.

Chris and Kelsey always want to be out and about.  Not that they hate home, but they want to be with their friends.  I don't know how to manage it.  There's one rule involved...I don't let them go to anyone's house who's parents I'm not friends with.  So...they can only go to 3 houses...oops.  Other parents are weird though.  They just drop their kids off wherever, whenever, with whoever and never meet the other parents.  I don't understand it.  I was pretty sheltered when I was growing up.  My mom used to say I was her favorite person in the world and she wouldn't just share me with anyone.  I guess I'm the same way now.  One time I let Kelsey have a classmate over for a "play date."  The little girl's dad is a social worker...he didn't even come in and meet me...and while the girls were playing Barbies in Kelsey's room I overheard the little girl say, "Dad!!!  Mom's drinking beer and it's not even noon!!!"  Then, when her dad picked her up, he asked me out...and it's very obvious I'm pregnant.  Needless to say, she hasn't come over to play again.  Eek.  I need to get better at time management too.  Being a single parent has always made me pretty crummy at following a complete routine for them.  I just want them to be good people and I get a little/a lot stressed out about it.

Oh.  And I'm 27 weeks pregnant today...but I still can't figure out how I'm going to tell my mom...