This is what shock feels like.

Last night he came home early, showered, and left 20 min later saying he had to go help a friend and he'd be back later.

I called him at 8a.m. this morning and asked him if he'd be home by 8:30a.m. so I could take the kids to school without waking Silas up.  He told me the kids are my responsibility, that he only lives here so he can see them, but he doesn't have to do anything for them.  Um...ok?  You know, it's funny, people think I'm absolutely insane for allowing this guy back into my life after all he's put me through and after 2011's chaos, but the reason I did it was because of the kind of father he seemed to be.  I thought he was better than my ex husband, even though my ex husband never used the kids as pawns...I guess I had everything all wrong.

So I'm about to have four kids with two different guys who are exactly the same.  And maybe I give my ex husband a little more credit because he at least, 1)  loved me, and 2)  is an alcoholic and doesn't want to/can't stop.  I mean, at least there's a reason why he's not involved, not that that excuses it, but it does make it easier to cope with.  My ex boyfriend is just flipping crazy.  It's so hard to understand why someone would want to be like that.  Get help already.

After he told me he doesn't have to do anything for them he told me that I chose facebook over him and that he doesn't exist.  He told me I took a step in the wrong direction by not approving his facebook requests.  I told him I think I made a step in the right one.  I don't want him on my page after he's threatened me, name called, and harassed me on facebook.  So I'm being "punished" because I won't approve of his behavior.  The part of the conversation that I couldn't comprehend was, "You deal with Silas.  Have fun with that!"  Click.  I just sat there and thought, "wow...he's my ex husband."     

Handle others with your heart.

I lost my cool yesterday and I feel pretty bad about that.  I feel worse over the reason why.  After picking up my kids from school I told the kids how much I missed them yesterday and my daughter put her head down and looked away.  I asked her what was wrong...she's a cancer...something's ALWAYS wrong...and she said, "Daddy said you just want us all to yourself."  I have no idea why she would say that to me, daughters are mean I guess, but it set me over the edge and I said some things I've never said to my kids before.  I've never defended myself to them if their dad has said anything to them, I've never bad mouthed him, I've never tried to get them to see him for what he really is.  He saw them in March 2011 and March 2012, owes me $27K in child support, and if he doesn't drink he has seizures.  The kids have seen him "smoke out of something silver" and have seen him "fall a lot."  I don't even know how they remember such details when they don't see him on a regular basis.  Anyway, now they're aware of how he is, but not based on what I said about him, but by comparing what I do v.s. what he does for them.  My feelings are hurt and I'm sure hers are too.  I don't know how to address it right now.  When I was done "explaining" yesterday, Christopher came up behind me, hugged me, and said, "you really need someone to hug you right now."  He knows how things are.  He sees it.  The only "excuse" they've ever heard me say is, "I can't I have to work."  They've heard every excuse in the book from their dad.  And a month ago he told our daughter she's not his anyway so stop calling him.  Awesome.  Absolutely awesome on so many levels.  She doesn't even understand what he meant.

I was super crabby yesterday, ultimately gutted by my child, and then I got a facebook friend request from the reason why I deleted my old page and made a new one under a latin name.  Since he's here all the time, I approved it, although there was major hesitation.  Shortly after that he sent me a relationship request that I couldn't even acknowledge which led to a huge fight...and now I don't need to get him evicted because he's moving out himself.  It was pretty frustrating to get screamed at for 25 minutes at 1a.m.  And eventually I just looked up and super duper calmly said something along the lines of, "dude...you're a loser.  You're 34 years old screaming at me over FACEBOOK.  There's 3 sleeping kids in the other rooms yet all you care about is yourself.  So what if I don't want to be hip with you on facebook?  I'm embarrassed by you and I'm embarrassed I tolerate your bullshit.  I'm 30 weeks pregnant and THIS is the shit you put me through once a week like clockwork."  He about fell over when I said I was embarrassed by him and said that the way he treats me on facebook is MY fault.  I then reminded him that everything he says on facebook is actually a lie, it's not my fault that he's a liar, and it's not my fault he acts like trash.  Was that bad?  I'm sure it was for him because he walked out and didn't come back, threw a good ol' "fuck you" on his way out to which I replied with, "no thank you" and he SLAMMED the door.  Usually, the only emotion I have left for him is anger but I don't even have that anymore.  It's so much bigger than that.  My daughter is displaying daddy issues over some douchebag who doesn't really give a fat poop about her.  I don't want her to make the same mistakes I made trying to get someone to love her and mess up her life over a drunk.

And the new baby name list is:
Sasha
Stella
Kimber (Kelsey wants her to have a K name like her)

Thank God for Silas.

I can't stop being angry but I want to.

I thought that I'd get some answers today since it's Monday, but no luck.

Who just moves their stuff in and claims residency at a place they don't pay bills?  I don't understand how this is acceptable.  The police told me to get a lawyer.  What?  So that means that the next time I go to someone's house, I can take my stuff over there, say I live there, and the person who really does live there has to get a lawyer to get me out??  Come on already.  There'd be no homeless people if that were the case because EVERY one of them would claim residency at some random person's house.

I can't take it anymore.