I called him at 8a.m. this morning and asked him if he'd be home by 8:30a.m. so I could take the kids to school without waking Silas up. He told me the kids are my responsibility, that he only lives here so he can see them, but he doesn't have to do anything for them. Um...ok? You know, it's funny, people think I'm absolutely insane for allowing this guy back into my life after all he's put me through and after 2011's chaos, but the reason I did it was because of the kind of father he seemed to be. I thought he was better than my ex husband, even though my ex husband never used the kids as pawns...I guess I had everything all wrong.
So I'm about to have four kids with two different guys who are exactly the same. And maybe I give my ex husband a little more credit because he at least, 1) loved me, and 2) is an alcoholic and doesn't want to/can't stop. I mean, at least there's a reason why he's not involved, not that that excuses it, but it does make it easier to cope with. My ex boyfriend is just flipping crazy. It's so hard to understand why someone would want to be like that. Get help already.
After he told me he doesn't have to do anything for them he told me that I chose facebook over him and that he doesn't exist. He told me I took a step in the wrong direction by not approving his facebook requests. I told him I think I made a step in the right one. I don't want him on my page after he's threatened me, name called, and harassed me on facebook. So I'm being "punished" because I won't approve of his behavior. The part of the conversation that I couldn't comprehend was, "You deal with Silas. Have fun with that!" Click. I just sat there and thought, "wow...he's my ex husband."
OK, I officially HAVE to ask...and you can tell me to go kick rocks but...
ReplyDeleteWHY? WHY? WHY?
You seem utterly miserable where this dude is concerned. You've never had much positive to say about him or your situation from the get-go, it's just like you're holding on to hope. Maybe he's a great dad to his son but overall, he's not great to you and for whatever reason, you guys don't seem to be great together. Treating the kid well but causing stress for for makes you a wreck and that's not healthy for you! And an unhealthy YOU doesn't make you the best possible mom for your kids, and I know you strive to be nothing less!
I don't know what it's like to be a single parent so maybe I don't get it. And maybe I don't get why after all the troubles you guys have had together with violence and verbal abuse, you decided to have another baby with him (maybe that wasn't the plan but there was intimacy, unless this was an Immaculate Whatchacallit).
I really do hope you can catch some sort of break. You don't want to waste the last months or your pregnancy or those first few weeks of your new baby's life being all inside your head about your situation with this dude! It seems like more and more, you're showing him your backbone and I hope you continue to do that.
Why you ask. Currently, the only reason why I can't get him out of my house is fear. I have zero dollars to my name, no family to help me, nowhere to go...not that I should have to leave b/c it's my house...and if I give him a 30 day notice I'll have to find somewhere to stay for 30 days b/c who knows what false accusations he'll make out of spite. Why did I decide to have another baby...it happened and I chose not to terminate it. I knew he would behave like this again, although when he first found out he was SUPER thrilled, but once he began to act like an idiot something hit me..."at least Silas won't ever be alone with this guy." So that's how I get through it, plus it's not that hard since I've done it before without emotional support...3x actually. And is that a terrible thought to have? Probably. But I know my older two are WAY less affected by their dad b/c one's crazy about him but the other one can actually rationalize the situation and see him for who he is. They balance each other out.
DeleteThe problem this guy has been having is that I've lost all my feelings and it's obvious. I don't argue back, I don't try to be heard, I simply don't respond. I don't have any feelings left except anxiety. Things are great when he's in a good mood but it's not worth being with him b/c I think the way you treat someone when you're mad at them is just as important as the way you treat them when you're ok with them. I can't cater to the temper tantrums anymore and I kept trying to b/c he makes my life SO INSANELY DIFFICULT when he's not getting his way but I've gotten to the point where I've realized he's going to make it difficult whether I'm with him or not. I just worry about to what extent.
If someone would hire me I could get my life back but until then I have to find a way to get through it.