I lost my cool yesterday and I feel pretty bad about that. I feel worse over the reason why. After picking up my kids from school I told the kids how much I missed them yesterday and my daughter put her head down and looked away. I asked her what was wrong...she's a cancer...something's ALWAYS wrong...and she said, "Daddy said you just want us all to yourself." I have no idea why she would say that to me, daughters are mean I guess, but it set me over the edge and I said some things I've never said to my kids before. I've never defended myself to them if their dad has said anything to them, I've never bad mouthed him, I've never tried to get them to see him for what he really is. He saw them in March 2011 and March 2012, owes me $27K in child support, and if he doesn't drink he has seizures. The kids have seen him "smoke out of something silver" and have seen him "fall a lot." I don't even know how they remember such details when they don't see him on a regular basis. Anyway, now they're aware of how he is, but not based on what I said about him, but by comparing what I do v.s. what he does for them. My feelings are hurt and I'm sure hers are too. I don't know how to address it right now. When I was done "explaining" yesterday, Christopher came up behind me, hugged me, and said, "you really need someone to hug you right now." He knows how things are. He sees it. The only "excuse" they've ever heard me say is, "I can't I have to work." They've heard every excuse in the book from their dad. And a month ago he told our daughter she's not his anyway so stop calling him. Awesome. Absolutely awesome on so many levels. She doesn't even understand what he meant.
I was super crabby yesterday, ultimately gutted by my child, and then I got a facebook friend request from the reason why I deleted my old page and made a new one under a latin name. Since he's here all the time, I approved it, although there was major hesitation. Shortly after that he sent me a relationship request that I couldn't even acknowledge which led to a huge fight...and now I don't need to get him evicted because he's moving out himself. It was pretty frustrating to get screamed at for 25 minutes at 1a.m. And eventually I just looked up and super duper calmly said something along the lines of, "dude...you're a loser. You're 34 years old screaming at me over FACEBOOK. There's 3 sleeping kids in the other rooms yet all you care about is yourself. So what if I don't want to be hip with you on facebook? I'm embarrassed by you and I'm embarrassed I tolerate your bullshit. I'm 30 weeks pregnant and THIS is the shit you put me through once a week like clockwork." He about fell over when I said I was embarrassed by him and said that the way he treats me on facebook is MY fault. I then reminded him that everything he says on facebook is actually a lie, it's not my fault that he's a liar, and it's not my fault he acts like trash. Was that bad? I'm sure it was for him because he walked out and didn't come back, threw a good ol' "fuck you" on his way out to which I replied with, "no thank you" and he SLAMMED the door. Usually, the only emotion I have left for him is anger but I don't even have that anymore. It's so much bigger than that. My daughter is displaying daddy issues over some douchebag who doesn't really give a fat poop about her. I don't want her to make the same mistakes I made trying to get someone to love her and mess up her life over a drunk.
And the new baby name list is:
Sasha
Stella
Kimber (Kelsey wants her to have a K name like her)
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