Day 1 minus pain: Happy Belated Father's Day

Everything my dad taught me not to be, he is, and so is every douchebag I've ever dated.  Lazy, controlling, a drunk, mentally abusive, disgusted by lazy people, racist, narcissistic, angry, thoughtless, and cheap.  The great thing about it is that I'm not any of these things, but the older I become the less I can tolerate these behaviors.  Actually, I can't tolerate them at all anymore.  I hear my dad's voice saying, "these people treat you like garbage.  They're complete garbage.  That guy's self centered and worthless.  He's 34 years old, can't hold a job, doesn't have a car or his own place, he's fat and lazy, lives off his mom, and pulls the 'feel sorry for me I didn't have a dad' act."  My dad's dad left him and his four younger brothers 28 years ago and he still holds a grudge about it because his dad took all his younger brothers money from their bank accounts.  My dad drinks everyday, he wouldn't call to check on me if I was quadriplegic, if anyone has a problem he says they did it to themselves, he took all my money out of my savings and spent it on his mail order bride, he can't even figure out how to fill a nail hole in the wall, but he'll save hundreds of blue bags filled with recyclables in his garage for the extra change.  Over the past year I've had zero relationship with my dad and for whatever reason, that's helped me a lot with letting go of guys who are wrong for me.  So, thanks dad for not being there for me.  Ever.  You've made me a great mom and over the next few years I'll move on with my life and find a guy who is good to me because I'm done dating guys like you.

This was me a year ago.

I'm not "there" anymore.

For the past 34 hours I've been feeling like this is too good to be true.  He's gone.  He moved out.  Although he's still saying that my landlord needs to evict him, (control issue) he doesn't.  The landlord evicted him in November 2010 and therefore him being here is trespassing.  The criminal kind.  There's probably been about a 30min total where I've felt...I don't know...hurt?  Sad?  I am human, it would be weird if I didn't feel any negative emotion over this, or would it?

I feel:  used, betrayed, controlled, manipulated, disgusted, dirty, embarrassed, sad for Silas and Stella, worried that they'll be utterly damaged by their dad, ugly, below average, rejected, and stupid.


And although I feel all these things, something inside me has changed and I feel too strong to let my feelings control me.  Almost like I acknowledge that they're there but they don't define me.  I've never been able to really do this before.  Usually, a break up defines me...if I truly loved the person...and it takes a very long time to run it's course through me.  This time that's not happening because I know all the anxiety, stress, pain, drama, and depression I went through was ultimately something I went through for someone else.  I kept thinking that the more I took, the more he'd realize how awesome these kids and I are and he'd snap out of it.  When times were good I would hope that they'd never change and I'd tell him he was my best bud.  In past relationships I was a fuckin' jerk.  Constantly.  I thought whoever I was with needed to prove something to me.  I was young and ignorant and super insecure.  I just figured he needed persistence like I needed back then, but he's too old and too deep into it, and the extent of maliciousness he goes to is extreme.  That's the scary part.  Most people can take a step back and realize that they screwed up but he doesn't have that ability.  I learned that nothing is all I can do.  He and his mom are going to be beyond furious and over dramatic when they're not included in Stella's birth or even the signing of the birth certificate.  They're going to try to keep Silas from me, they're going to tell me what a horrible person I am, he's going to post my first and last name all over facebook, and they're going to take no responsibility for the way they've treated me and more importantly my kids.  And you know what?  Now that I know what to expect I don't care how they behave.  I know I'm making the right decisions this time.  Doing everything their way, being constantly manipulated, treating them how I wanted to be treated go me exactly where I am.  Doing it on my own for the 4th time. 


But it's better this way.  I don't have to deal with things like this anymore.

...

At 4a.m. I woke up to a text from his mother stating she is not allowed to watch my kids this a.m. because he is throwing a "conniption fit."  He threatened suicide or to leave the state if she watches them this a.m.  I had somewhere important to be with a good friend and I didn't tell him where I had to go so this is how he reacts.  He claims he lives here for the kids but this is clearly not about the kids, it's about controlling my life. I text his mother back and told her he needs to get out and they can take me to court to try to modify his already very limited visitation that he has because he's mentally unstable.  Obviously, neither him nor his mother are fit to have children around for extended periods of time.  Neither of them can be the adult in the situation and she caters to a 33 year old and his temper tantrums.  It's unbelievable.  A few nights ago he posted something on his facebook status about the way he turned out being all her fault, stating she wasn't around and didn't teach him how to be a man, and that he's ruined because of her.  I defended her, and yet now I feel like she is partially to blame.  I don't know how or why you would let your grown child control you.

And then yesterday, during the process of him telling me that he cheats because I "suck in bed," he's a "status update away from porno sex," and the multiple suicide threats, I found out that he got fired from his tattooing job because he stole $400.  Amazing.


"I can still remember the first time I ever saw you.  I don't even remember the first time I saw my son's mother."

Just in case I am missing or dead.

I found a post in a blog the other day that really helped me understand the kind of person who's living with/off of me.  A woman was talking about another woman who has borderline personality disorder.  She recommended a book and listed the following information about it:

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorderhas been especially useful and full of tips on how to deal with the BPD person.

The most consistent advice for dealing with a BPD is to go no contact with them. As in, there is really no good way to deal with a person with this disorder.

These people will always cycle through friends, and find themselves at odds with everyone at some point. They "paint people black" who just a week ago they put up on a pedestal. They are always fighting imagined threats, always thinking people are out to get them, take things from them, talking about them behind their backs, or going to abandon them.

They live in these fantasy worlds where they are the victim and often times will regularly abuse the legal system by filing false restraining orders and claiming things like domestic abuse when in fact they themselves are the abusers.

They are the mothers with Munchhausen syndrome who are constantly eating up the attention of ERs from having "sick" children, and the attention seekers who tell so many lies about their "hard life" and how everyone has abused them that they actually begin to believe their own lies and gain sympathy and help from soft hearted people who want to do the right thing.

And then, when everything unravels, and the people who have been helping them, start to realize the actual truth about them, and who they are actually dealing with, they will turn on those people too. And the cycle of abuse starts all over again and again and again with new people.

Over the past 2.5 years I've read a ton of articles about different mood disorders but have never really been able to nail the experiences I have with this guy on the head.  Well, this hit home.  Every sentence in the above paragraphs are what I go through on an oh-so regular basis.  I feel a little more at ease knowing that there's nothing that will change him.  He will never seek medication or therapy.  He will just bully me in every aspect of my life and I've detached so much but he's even punishing me for that.  There's no winning.

No one reads this blog and that's probably a good thing.  I started it because I had to go to court last year for major charges pressed against me by him over and incident that didn't really occur.  Since then I've documented everything I possibly could to protect me and my children.  Had I been found guilty my life would be altered negatively forever.  He ruined parts of my life and mocks me for it every time he gets mad.  It doesn't make me mad anymore.  I just stopped loving him...or hoping for him.  As I re-read what I just wrote I want to include that my life, as sad as I feel right now, isn't ruined.  It's just harder than it's ever been.  I had some sort of spiritual epiphany the other day while showering and realized that what he did to me is a blessing.  It made me remove my rose colored glasses and everlasting pathetic hope.  It took a very long time to get where I am now and I'm not where I want to be because I'm 30 weeks pregnant and unable to find a job.  He's living here, moved himself in a few weeks ago when I asked him to babysit, and refuses to leave.  I'm so drained I don't know what to do and my anxiety is so high that I went on Zoloft last Friday just so that my heart would stop palpating.  He can't ever find that out because he'll mock me and call them my "anti-psychotics."  Why am I so miserable?  Because I want to move on but I'm stuck for the next 4-5 months.  I just want to be happy and he is such a leech who sucks all the happiness out of everyone around him.

We're walking on eggshells all the time.      

Handle others with your heart.

I lost my cool yesterday and I feel pretty bad about that.  I feel worse over the reason why.  After picking up my kids from school I told the kids how much I missed them yesterday and my daughter put her head down and looked away.  I asked her what was wrong...she's a cancer...something's ALWAYS wrong...and she said, "Daddy said you just want us all to yourself."  I have no idea why she would say that to me, daughters are mean I guess, but it set me over the edge and I said some things I've never said to my kids before.  I've never defended myself to them if their dad has said anything to them, I've never bad mouthed him, I've never tried to get them to see him for what he really is.  He saw them in March 2011 and March 2012, owes me $27K in child support, and if he doesn't drink he has seizures.  The kids have seen him "smoke out of something silver" and have seen him "fall a lot."  I don't even know how they remember such details when they don't see him on a regular basis.  Anyway, now they're aware of how he is, but not based on what I said about him, but by comparing what I do v.s. what he does for them.  My feelings are hurt and I'm sure hers are too.  I don't know how to address it right now.  When I was done "explaining" yesterday, Christopher came up behind me, hugged me, and said, "you really need someone to hug you right now."  He knows how things are.  He sees it.  The only "excuse" they've ever heard me say is, "I can't I have to work."  They've heard every excuse in the book from their dad.  And a month ago he told our daughter she's not his anyway so stop calling him.  Awesome.  Absolutely awesome on so many levels.  She doesn't even understand what he meant.

I was super crabby yesterday, ultimately gutted by my child, and then I got a facebook friend request from the reason why I deleted my old page and made a new one under a latin name.  Since he's here all the time, I approved it, although there was major hesitation.  Shortly after that he sent me a relationship request that I couldn't even acknowledge which led to a huge fight...and now I don't need to get him evicted because he's moving out himself.  It was pretty frustrating to get screamed at for 25 minutes at 1a.m.  And eventually I just looked up and super duper calmly said something along the lines of, "dude...you're a loser.  You're 34 years old screaming at me over FACEBOOK.  There's 3 sleeping kids in the other rooms yet all you care about is yourself.  So what if I don't want to be hip with you on facebook?  I'm embarrassed by you and I'm embarrassed I tolerate your bullshit.  I'm 30 weeks pregnant and THIS is the shit you put me through once a week like clockwork."  He about fell over when I said I was embarrassed by him and said that the way he treats me on facebook is MY fault.  I then reminded him that everything he says on facebook is actually a lie, it's not my fault that he's a liar, and it's not my fault he acts like trash.  Was that bad?  I'm sure it was for him because he walked out and didn't come back, threw a good ol' "fuck you" on his way out to which I replied with, "no thank you" and he SLAMMED the door.  Usually, the only emotion I have left for him is anger but I don't even have that anymore.  It's so much bigger than that.  My daughter is displaying daddy issues over some douchebag who doesn't really give a fat poop about her.  I don't want her to make the same mistakes I made trying to get someone to love her and mess up her life over a drunk.

And the new baby name list is:
Sasha
Stella
Kimber (Kelsey wants her to have a K name like her)

It even hurts when I hold my breath.

The past 3 days have hurt me beyond words. I am strangely trying to feel the pain, rather than push it away, so that I can remember how it feels, and so I stop repeating my mistakes.
He tried to move back in with me for 6 months. Every month I said no. Every month I opened up and revealed another reason why I couldn't allow it.  And every month, regarding how much he told me he wanted to be a family, he broke up with me, belittled me, embarrassed me, and broke me down. And what happened? I really needed him. I lost my job, I'm struggling through a high risk pregnancy, my immune system despises me lately so I thought, "maybe this is God's way of telling me I need to let go and trust my ex." So I did. I allowed him to begin moving in. I begin spending money on things I needed but haven't had the money to buy due to one income. And what happens? His "good friend" dies and within 4 days his behavior towards the "family" turns cold. He turns his back on my kids because he couldn't figure out which one of them ate his reese cup. He tells them he can't live here because theyre liars. He becomes infuriated with me because I had bronchitis and was unable to make him dinner. He spends the night at his moms, "doing laundry." He attends a funeral and when I ask to go along with him, he refuses. And he refused because of his ex.

After I told him his behavior was unacceptable and that grieving is no excuse to rekindle old flames, he put two status updates about me on facebook. This couldn't be more painful to me. Why? He carries a gun and mirrors Drew Peterson. It terrifies me to have someone use my whole name, making horrible and false accusations about me, putting pregnant me and my kids in danger, and then watching onlookers diagnose me, encourage him, and call him a good dad. More than a dozen people on his page prove to be as jacked up as he is and what any or all of them could do to me and my kids scares the life out of me.
What good dad endangers their infant and unborn child on a social networking site? What good dad claims their pregnant ex needs to be disposed of? What good dad calls someone trashy, a hussy, a psycho, white trash, a cunt, etc.? He's displaying the behaviors he claims I am. And no one notices. I actually feel embarrassed for him and even more embarrassed for his "friends" who participate in this. They should all be ashamed. Anyone who was his real friend would remind him that his behavior on facebook last year this time is why he has such limited visitation. Good job, "good dad."

Good job. And real good job choosing to use your exes grieving period to weasel your way back into her life...choosing her over "being the family" you wanted for 6 months...choosing her over being involved in the pregnancy and the birth of your own daughter. Good job. His ex is so important to him that he had to rip me apart online because I defended the family he led me to believe we were.

It's just fuckin sick. I filed a police report yesterday a.m. and kept my kids home from school today because I am/was too scared.  And I don't know what to do anymore.