Just in case I am missing or dead.

I found a post in a blog the other day that really helped me understand the kind of person who's living with/off of me.  A woman was talking about another woman who has borderline personality disorder.  She recommended a book and listed the following information about it:

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorderhas been especially useful and full of tips on how to deal with the BPD person.

The most consistent advice for dealing with a BPD is to go no contact with them. As in, there is really no good way to deal with a person with this disorder.

These people will always cycle through friends, and find themselves at odds with everyone at some point. They "paint people black" who just a week ago they put up on a pedestal. They are always fighting imagined threats, always thinking people are out to get them, take things from them, talking about them behind their backs, or going to abandon them.

They live in these fantasy worlds where they are the victim and often times will regularly abuse the legal system by filing false restraining orders and claiming things like domestic abuse when in fact they themselves are the abusers.

They are the mothers with Munchhausen syndrome who are constantly eating up the attention of ERs from having "sick" children, and the attention seekers who tell so many lies about their "hard life" and how everyone has abused them that they actually begin to believe their own lies and gain sympathy and help from soft hearted people who want to do the right thing.

And then, when everything unravels, and the people who have been helping them, start to realize the actual truth about them, and who they are actually dealing with, they will turn on those people too. And the cycle of abuse starts all over again and again and again with new people.

Over the past 2.5 years I've read a ton of articles about different mood disorders but have never really been able to nail the experiences I have with this guy on the head.  Well, this hit home.  Every sentence in the above paragraphs are what I go through on an oh-so regular basis.  I feel a little more at ease knowing that there's nothing that will change him.  He will never seek medication or therapy.  He will just bully me in every aspect of my life and I've detached so much but he's even punishing me for that.  There's no winning.

No one reads this blog and that's probably a good thing.  I started it because I had to go to court last year for major charges pressed against me by him over and incident that didn't really occur.  Since then I've documented everything I possibly could to protect me and my children.  Had I been found guilty my life would be altered negatively forever.  He ruined parts of my life and mocks me for it every time he gets mad.  It doesn't make me mad anymore.  I just stopped loving him...or hoping for him.  As I re-read what I just wrote I want to include that my life, as sad as I feel right now, isn't ruined.  It's just harder than it's ever been.  I had some sort of spiritual epiphany the other day while showering and realized that what he did to me is a blessing.  It made me remove my rose colored glasses and everlasting pathetic hope.  It took a very long time to get where I am now and I'm not where I want to be because I'm 30 weeks pregnant and unable to find a job.  He's living here, moved himself in a few weeks ago when I asked him to babysit, and refuses to leave.  I'm so drained I don't know what to do and my anxiety is so high that I went on Zoloft last Friday just so that my heart would stop palpating.  He can't ever find that out because he'll mock me and call them my "anti-psychotics."  Why am I so miserable?  Because I want to move on but I'm stuck for the next 4-5 months.  I just want to be happy and he is such a leech who sucks all the happiness out of everyone around him.

We're walking on eggshells all the time.      

Good morning!!

I've been up all night...getting harassed through text of course about how wrong dildos and masturbation are. Then when I respond and tell him how juvenile he is he tells me I'm crazy and asks if I need medication since I'd rather "fuck inanimate objects." I cant medicate myself to heal his insanity. I don't even own a dildo. I was just asking questions.

I can't wait until 6am so I can call TMobile and block his number. Of course, why wouldn't he break his promise to not harass me through text anymore? Why do I have to put up with this? Seriously. Sometimes I think God wants me to die of an anxiety attack. I don't care if that sounds crazy, I put up with this madness because I have no one to help me. But this guy just wants to help me right off a cliff. Idk what to do anymore. I just need an opportunity that no one will give me because I'm pregnant.

I'm so tired.

And Silas peed in the potty last night.

In this moment I am happy and I don't wish you were here.

10th birthday success!!!  He got everything he wanted...bowling on Friday, basketball game Saturday, family party on Sunday, and the lego batcave. 

I did not get the job on Thursday.  They called me this a.m. and said, "good luck with your, um, uh, situation."  They couldn't stop looking at my stomach while I was training so I'm guessing that's what they consider my "situation."  I don't even care and was actually relieved.  I decided an hour and a half into training that I'm not serving for a long time...if ever again.  There's not even a word that describes how much I hate it.  And why am I serving with a medical assisting degree and cosmetology license??  

My ex keeps asking, "what are you going to do?"  I believe he's suggesting I take him back and tolerate his bipolar O.C.D. bullshit and I say fuck that.  Over the weekend I learned of ANOTHER girl who lives an hour away that he's been texting/hanging out with and has the entire time I was with him.  The things you can find out with a few clicks on facebook is unbelievable.  Of course, he tried to deny it even after I showed him what I found.  Stuttering, and making up the most ridiculous excuses I've ever heard, like always.  I explained to him that I wasn't showing him because I care, I was showing him so that he knows that I know, so there's really nothing to lie about anymore.  There's no feelings left on my end and I don't care.  For whatever reason, he can't grasp that and still continues to lie.  I don't even care if he lies anymore.  I'm done.  I love being alone.  I also love the fact that one day, when I'm not pregnant or nursing, I can date.  I'm excited about it.  I have interests, I grew up, I'm not intimidated by "good" people, I've embraced that I'm a huge nerd, am pretty socially awkward, am super quiet, and I don't want any kind of future with a bad boy whatsoever.  I've lost 95% of my codependency issues, I have no desire to "fix" people anymore, I'm ok with that if I'm going to be with someone it needs to be with a person who pays a lot of attention to me and dazzles my reputation in public rather than destroys me.  The core of me IS mildly selfish and I'd rather embrace THAT than hide it by being in relationships where I have to take care of the other person as if I'm their parent.  Gross.

And after this blog, I'm never swearing again.  I don't know where that came from, but it's so uneducated, and it reminds me of every trashbag I've ever dated.

Something tells me I'm into something good.

I got an ide-er!

If I don't get a job this week, I'm going to file for unemployment.  Live off that and the rest of my tax return until after I have the baby.  I'm pretty sure it would last me until October...and then I could start nursing school and work on the weekends!!!

Why?  Why the heck not?  What's going back to school one more time going to do for me that the last two didn't do for me?  Give me a career!!!  Heck yes I'll take a career over serving until I'm 87 any day.  By the time I'd finish my degree my kids would be 13, 12, 4, and 2.  Perfect timing for cars, college, and (Dear God I hope not) teenage pregnancy.  Crap.  I hope my kids grow up and get a career BEFORE becoming parents but somehow I don't think I'm emotional enough on the outside for them to know how much I struggle.

I'm done whining about my ex.  He is what he is, and I don't ever have to be apart of it again.  That makes me happy.  It makes me happy to know I'm still a tuff kid and he didn't ruin me.

His mom should've taught him that though.  My mom did.  Thank God.

And this baby's getting MY last name, dammit.  I said so.  I'm not playing chicken this time.  I've got names too:

1.  Stella (this is what the kids call her)
2.  Magdalyn
3.  Maris
4.  Aubrey
5.  Reese
6.  Scarlet (if she's a redhead)
7.  Sarah
8.  Allison
9.  Lucy
10. Adrianne

I don't really like any names...it's more like what I can tolerate...hmmmm...

Some days I don't know why I have ANY faith.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!  I couldn't really care less that today is St. Patrick's Day.  I'm only Irish because I'm carrying around a little Irish girl for the next 19 weeks.  My kids are with their dads today and I am still in my pajamas at 2:13p.m.

I'm sick.  As usual.  I've had bronchitits for 3.5 weeks.  I coughed so hard last night I threw up for 2 hours.  Silas had diarrhea all night which is super awesome to change in a half lit bedroom.

I'm jobless.  No one in the world wants to hire a pregnant girl.  They don't actually SAY that, but I'm pretty amazing when it comes to working and I don't know who WOULDN'T want to hire me.  Employers act like pregnancy is a handicap.  I have no way to pay my rent or bills.  So far, all I can think to do is put all my stuff in storage and live out of my car or go stay in a shelter.  I'm literally out of options and my brain is drained.

Everything always works out, but I don't want to rely on anyone and I don't have anyone to rely on anyway.  I just want a job.  I'm not asking for much.  I'm not asking for someone to love me, or take care of me, or make this pregnancy the one I've never had, I just need a job.

I went to the ultrasound apt on Tuesday, (alone) and found out that baby's "absolutely perfect."  I still cried.  I can't stand how horrible I'm treated while carrying this "perfect" little creature.  People are fucking stupid, have no priorities, and take everything for granted.  By people, I mean my ex, and every other deadbeat douchebag who doesn't give a shit about anyone but themselves.

I'm annoyed now.  Even more so than I was before.  It's nap time.  Again.