A star is born!

I am officially a single mother of 4.  FOUR!!!!  Holy moly.  On July 18, on my way out to eat with my bff Meghan, her daughter, and Silas, (Chris and Kelsey were at summer camp for the week) the increasing pain in my butt hole caused me to call my doctor, who told me to come on in so he could check me out, and I was 3cm dilated, 80% effaced, and my contractions were 3 minutes apart.  Here's the stupid part.  Since he wasn't on call, he sent me home and told me to come back to the hospital around 8p.m. if I was still feeling uncomfortable.  So, we went to Bob Evans and then went to Babies R Us because I had a gift card to spend...and I didn't have any diapers for the new baby.  While we were out I used the restroom only to find that I was bleeding.  Everywhere.  I paid for the diapers, we dropped off Meghan's daughter at a sitter, stopped at my house so I could pack a bag, and drove to the hospital while my ex harassed me through text/my ex's mom comforted me through text.  Radness all around.

We arrived at the hospital around 7:45p.m., I was already checked in, a nurse, (the nicest nurse EVER, Faye) wheeled me upstairs, and gowned and monitored me up.  I was ready to go.  The pressure on my butt hole was ridiculous and all I kept saying was, "my butt hole's going to fly off."  The on call doctor came in, who didn't want to deliver anyone who wasn't her patient, and was a complete and total brat.  She checked my cervix and the monitor, said my cervix was the same as it was at my Dr.'s office, and that my contractions were probably being caused by a U.T.I. so they collected a urine sample.  She wanted to send me home but I refused to leave.  Jerks.  Since when do U.T.I.'s make you feel like you have to push a baby out of your foof?  IDIOTS!  While they were waiting for lab results I walked some laps around the hallway and drank some water, laid back down an hour later, and had my cervix checked again.  4cm dilated 100% effaced.  I was beyond ready for them to give me an epidural and break my water so I could get the show on the road. BUT the anesthesiologist was in an emergency appendectomy by this time and was unable to leave the surgery until it was complete.  The nurse and doctor told me this while my arm was being poked and prodded with needles to blow my veins...I mean...to start my I.V. so I just started to sob.  I've never cried during labor, but I've also never had pain in so many areas of my body at one time.  On top of the letdown that I couldn't receive an epidural at that time they told me that I'd have to wait at least 4 hours to have her because I was group B strep positive, as I was with my other daughter...weird, and they needed to administer I.V. antibiotics during that time period.  I was super thrilled with my awesome experience by this point but I'm not much of a complainer so Meghan got an attitude with the nurse and the doctor.  Magically, I received a shot of nubain and less than a half hour later I got an epidural!!  When I was in labor with Silas I got to 7cm dilated without an epidural but this labor was way more horrendous.  Butt hole pressure is so scary that I had my butt cheeks smooshed together the entire time because I literally believed she would fly right out.  After the epidural I was in heaven.  I dozed in an out for awhile until the nurse checked me and told me it was time to push.  I pushed through 1.5 contractions and she was out!!

Miss Stella Kathleen aka Stella Kat

7lbs 10oz 19.5"

7/19/2012 @ 5:35 a.m.

Since I am not the jerk I wish I still was, my ex was present and she has her brother's last name because I didn't want him to be an outcast.  The ex is now refusing to be in their lives, only held his daughter twice, has never changed her diaper, and tried to ban his mother from seeing the babies.  My heart hurts.  A lot.  And he's now seeing someone who has kids but it would ultimately the absolute best thing if he didn't have anything to do with them.  They're unbelievably wonderful.  Stella Kat is the sweetest baby girl.  Her cord fell off today so she showered with me and she was in love with the shower.  That's my girl!!

Her first week home:

I'm starting to question whether or not there really is enough mommy to go around.  I have 4 kids!!!

I may not have the best of everything. But that's just your opinion.

Thank God it's not 98 degrees today.  The heat makes me throw up spontaneously.  I have central air, another thing to be thankful for, but after it gets to a certain temperature outside c/a doesn't do much of anything.  Today was different.  Phew!  I was able to stay outside with the kids all day.  All I ever want to be is a stay at home mom.  I love cooking and cleaning and laundry and crafting.  I love that everyday I find another small project to complete.  With 3 kids I've compiled an enormous list of small projects.  I could keep myself busy for years.  I love listening to my kids' weird conversations and watching them play together.  It's gotta be one of the coolest things in the world to have siblings.

Silas makes a new sound every few hours.  I sometimes wish he'd put them all together and say what he wants instead of having mini meltdowns when he gets frustrated but I find myself loving, maybe a little too much, that he's still such a baby in some ways.  

He can say:  Ya, no, baba, momma, uh oh, oh, oh no, wow, thee kee (thank you), issy (sissy), bye, mmmnumanumanuma (he wants food)

He still wakes up for a ba at 5a.m. like clockwork.  He's been sleeping in his toddler bed...most of the time...but he often wakes up, runs down the hall to my room, and says, "momma iwa up up!"  I can't resist that!  He's my buddy.  I have a bond with him I've never had with my older two because they had each other.  I'm hoping he'll still be my buddy when Stella Kat arrives.  Right now he's not too fond of her...he yells "no" at my belly when he sees it.  Adorable!

I got bored with facebook so I deleted it last week.  Any way to keep my life mine is wonderful and gives me so much energy for productive experiences.  Plus, I'm just bored in general with social networking.  I'd rather get together with people in person than only online.  All in all I'm happy.  I went to the doctor last week and I'm 1cm dilated and 50% effaced.  He wants to induce me on 7/21 so Silas and Stella don't have the same birthday but I figure if I get to the 21st and she's still in there, let's see when she comes out on her own.  It no longer bothers me if they have the same birthday.  I can prepare a huge birthday bash just fine.

Yawn!  Nap time.

Day 10 minus the minus: I'm over it.

I don't feel like counting the days without him anymore.  I can't believe it's only been 10.  It feels like it's been 5 years.  It's so refreshing and relaxing I never thought a life like this would be mine.  I'm so thankful everyday.  Breathing isn't a forced effort anymore.

He tried to start drama with me this a.m. over the delivery and birth certificate, calling me cruel, lazy, worthless, sneaky and shady, you know, all the things that would make me change my mind about him being in the delivery room.  Genius.  I just don't even care.  I can't get back the 18 months of my life I harbored his children and he treated me like a whore and I'm done justifying it to him.  He can say whatever he wants just as long as he stays away from me.

This book saved my life.  It changed my perspective and helped me remove my emotions from the situation and see this guy for what he really is.  What a blessing.

I don't think I need to talk about it anymore.  It's a waste of time.  If something detrimental happens and I need to document it for personal/court reasons, I obviously will, but there's no point in giving him anymore than I already have.

My daughter turned 9 on the 26th.  Time goes soooooooooo fast, I just can't believe how big she is.  She's about a foot shorter than me and is wearing a size 3 in shoes.  I'm 5'5" and wear a size 6.5...Crazy!!!

This year's going to be a better one for all of us. 

Day 7 minus feeding into the bullshit: Hot damn, I'm awesome.

Last night my ex said he was going to wake up early today and come pick up the baby for a few hours before he had to work at 4p.m.  I told him we'd be up by 8a.m. and he could come any time after that.  5:45p.m. today rolled around and I received a text.  "How is Silas feeling?"  Silas was sick all day Saturday, Saturday night, and all day Sunday.  He had a fever and couldn't stop throwing up.  It's pretty exhausting to be pregnant with a sick baby.  I forgot about that.  It's been 9 years since my last round of babies.  I kept the conversation on Silas and asked why he didn't show.  He said that he didn't wake up in time.  Must've been another long night of peeing in bus stops and prancing around wasted with unicorns painted on our heads...kept my thoughts to myself and told him I needed a new car seat and playpen for Stella.  I said it would be really cool if he could contribute something towards her and that I'd greatly appreciate it.  His response?  "That sucks.  Why don't you ask your facebook friends for child support to get that stuff?"

Another display of awesomeness from the "conservative Christian amazing father" whose mother pays his child support...which they're 3 months late on...but anyway...

I didn't respond.  He's baiting me.  If he can suck me back in emotionally he can drain me until I break and he ends up manipulating me back into the relationship.  Eff that.  I've got the game he plays all figured out.  I'm a ex-blind expert at it.

I realized today that I didn't receive child support from my ex husband, or ANY support from him, for 7 years and it didn't bother me one bit.  Why not?  Because he was proud he didn't pay child support.  He "had alcohol to buy."  He never said he was a great dad, never pretended to be one, never made himself out to be anything, and I've gotta be real  honest...I respect that.  At least he knew he wasn't the better parent and stepped out.  And because of that I've never been angry with him over anything.  It's so much easier to accept a person when you know, and when they admit what they are, or aren't.

This time around with my ex boyfriend is obviously so filled with challenges, one of them learning to be ok without receiving physical or financial help from a guy who tells everyone he goes above and beyond to be a wonderful dad.  And on days he's not being a good dad he's telling everyone around him that it's my fault or his mother's fault that he can't be a good dad.

Other than all that jazz, life is good.  Silas is feeling better, I taught him to dance like a couple and he LOVES it, he's been a broken record of "uh oh" and "Nnnnnyoooo", and Kelsey's birthday is tomorrow.

They just keep growing up...

Day 1 minus pain: Happy Belated Father's Day

Everything my dad taught me not to be, he is, and so is every douchebag I've ever dated.  Lazy, controlling, a drunk, mentally abusive, disgusted by lazy people, racist, narcissistic, angry, thoughtless, and cheap.  The great thing about it is that I'm not any of these things, but the older I become the less I can tolerate these behaviors.  Actually, I can't tolerate them at all anymore.  I hear my dad's voice saying, "these people treat you like garbage.  They're complete garbage.  That guy's self centered and worthless.  He's 34 years old, can't hold a job, doesn't have a car or his own place, he's fat and lazy, lives off his mom, and pulls the 'feel sorry for me I didn't have a dad' act."  My dad's dad left him and his four younger brothers 28 years ago and he still holds a grudge about it because his dad took all his younger brothers money from their bank accounts.  My dad drinks everyday, he wouldn't call to check on me if I was quadriplegic, if anyone has a problem he says they did it to themselves, he took all my money out of my savings and spent it on his mail order bride, he can't even figure out how to fill a nail hole in the wall, but he'll save hundreds of blue bags filled with recyclables in his garage for the extra change.  Over the past year I've had zero relationship with my dad and for whatever reason, that's helped me a lot with letting go of guys who are wrong for me.  So, thanks dad for not being there for me.  Ever.  You've made me a great mom and over the next few years I'll move on with my life and find a guy who is good to me because I'm done dating guys like you.

This was me a year ago.

I'm not "there" anymore.

For the past 34 hours I've been feeling like this is too good to be true.  He's gone.  He moved out.  Although he's still saying that my landlord needs to evict him, (control issue) he doesn't.  The landlord evicted him in November 2010 and therefore him being here is trespassing.  The criminal kind.  There's probably been about a 30min total where I've felt...I don't know...hurt?  Sad?  I am human, it would be weird if I didn't feel any negative emotion over this, or would it?

I feel:  used, betrayed, controlled, manipulated, disgusted, dirty, embarrassed, sad for Silas and Stella, worried that they'll be utterly damaged by their dad, ugly, below average, rejected, and stupid.


And although I feel all these things, something inside me has changed and I feel too strong to let my feelings control me.  Almost like I acknowledge that they're there but they don't define me.  I've never been able to really do this before.  Usually, a break up defines me...if I truly loved the person...and it takes a very long time to run it's course through me.  This time that's not happening because I know all the anxiety, stress, pain, drama, and depression I went through was ultimately something I went through for someone else.  I kept thinking that the more I took, the more he'd realize how awesome these kids and I are and he'd snap out of it.  When times were good I would hope that they'd never change and I'd tell him he was my best bud.  In past relationships I was a fuckin' jerk.  Constantly.  I thought whoever I was with needed to prove something to me.  I was young and ignorant and super insecure.  I just figured he needed persistence like I needed back then, but he's too old and too deep into it, and the extent of maliciousness he goes to is extreme.  That's the scary part.  Most people can take a step back and realize that they screwed up but he doesn't have that ability.  I learned that nothing is all I can do.  He and his mom are going to be beyond furious and over dramatic when they're not included in Stella's birth or even the signing of the birth certificate.  They're going to try to keep Silas from me, they're going to tell me what a horrible person I am, he's going to post my first and last name all over facebook, and they're going to take no responsibility for the way they've treated me and more importantly my kids.  And you know what?  Now that I know what to expect I don't care how they behave.  I know I'm making the right decisions this time.  Doing everything their way, being constantly manipulated, treating them how I wanted to be treated go me exactly where I am.  Doing it on my own for the 4th time. 


But it's better this way.  I don't have to deal with things like this anymore.

I love April.

My birthday is on Friday and I'm super excited.  I don't know why.  Maybe I just love my birthday.  I don't care about getting older.  I've aged pretty well.  So far.  And you'd never know I have almost 4 kids by looking at me so who cares about aging?!

The storm has calmed down quite a bit.  As it usually does.  I wonder how long the calmness will last this time?  I need a miracle.  I'd like it to last forever.  Or I'd like to just find someone else.

I had a creepily emotional day today.  Everything made me cry.  Silas refused to eat all day.  He wouldn't even take a bite of his Malley's chocolate ice cream with marshmallow on top...so I ate it.  I think he gets super stressed when I'm stressed.  He's so clingy when I'm upset.  Poor little guy.  I wonder when he'll start talking, but I kind of like that the only two words he can say are, "mama," and "car."  I communicate with him so well without words.  I know everything he wants by whatever noises he makes.  That's all that matters.

It's bedtime.  

In this moment I am happy and I don't wish you were here.

10th birthday success!!!  He got everything he wanted...bowling on Friday, basketball game Saturday, family party on Sunday, and the lego batcave. 

I did not get the job on Thursday.  They called me this a.m. and said, "good luck with your, um, uh, situation."  They couldn't stop looking at my stomach while I was training so I'm guessing that's what they consider my "situation."  I don't even care and was actually relieved.  I decided an hour and a half into training that I'm not serving for a long time...if ever again.  There's not even a word that describes how much I hate it.  And why am I serving with a medical assisting degree and cosmetology license??  

My ex keeps asking, "what are you going to do?"  I believe he's suggesting I take him back and tolerate his bipolar O.C.D. bullshit and I say fuck that.  Over the weekend I learned of ANOTHER girl who lives an hour away that he's been texting/hanging out with and has the entire time I was with him.  The things you can find out with a few clicks on facebook is unbelievable.  Of course, he tried to deny it even after I showed him what I found.  Stuttering, and making up the most ridiculous excuses I've ever heard, like always.  I explained to him that I wasn't showing him because I care, I was showing him so that he knows that I know, so there's really nothing to lie about anymore.  There's no feelings left on my end and I don't care.  For whatever reason, he can't grasp that and still continues to lie.  I don't even care if he lies anymore.  I'm done.  I love being alone.  I also love the fact that one day, when I'm not pregnant or nursing, I can date.  I'm excited about it.  I have interests, I grew up, I'm not intimidated by "good" people, I've embraced that I'm a huge nerd, am pretty socially awkward, am super quiet, and I don't want any kind of future with a bad boy whatsoever.  I've lost 95% of my codependency issues, I have no desire to "fix" people anymore, I'm ok with that if I'm going to be with someone it needs to be with a person who pays a lot of attention to me and dazzles my reputation in public rather than destroys me.  The core of me IS mildly selfish and I'd rather embrace THAT than hide it by being in relationships where I have to take care of the other person as if I'm their parent.  Gross.

And after this blog, I'm never swearing again.  I don't know where that came from, but it's so uneducated, and it reminds me of every trashbag I've ever dated.