Day 5 minus antics: Life is flippin' good!

Silas threw up and had a fever about 20 minutes before we had to leave to meet my mom at breakfast for Kelsey's birthday, gave him some motrin, cleaned him up, and went out to eat.  He ate bacon, toast, drank water, and was happy as could be.  Poor thing.  He's one tough kid.

My mom bought a new house a few weeks ago and the kids have been bugging her to see it so we went over there for a few hours.  Kelsey got her birthday present 3 days early and all the kids are obsessed with it.  I think Silas views this bear as his new girlfriend.

We went home so we could all take naps but Silas just cried for an hour straight and then his fever returned. I suck with sick kids.  I become so anxiety ridden where fevers are concerned because my niece had a high fever before she died.  Ack.  It makes me sick to my stomach to write about her dying.  I'm just a nervous wreck.  I'm exhausted but refusing to sleep.  It's easier just to stay up and watch him.

I received a text today that I could've turned into complete drama but decided that moving on is being done.

"Did you really delete all my Mit Romney pictures?"

"They're backed up on my Carbonite."

"Can you send them to me when you have a second?"

Silence.  I wanted to say, "I deleted them because you deleted all of Silas' videos."  I wanted to say, "If I'm in no position to ask you for favors then you're in no position to ask me for favors."  I wanted to say, "Maybe someday."  I wanted to say, "I think harboring your children for a year and a half without an ounce of help from you was enough."  I wanted to say, "Are you crazy?"  So, I said nothing.  And I decided that as angry as I become when he baits me, because EVERY time he asks me for something he has the opportunity to bait me, I won't respond.  Ultimately, I know all the answers to the questions I wanted to reply with, I don't need to give him the opportunity to blame me for his actions which is exactly what I'd be doing by giving him a response.  You can show someone who you are until you don't know who you are anymore and losing yourself will never be enough for them.  

And with that, I wish you all a wonderful night.  I'm going to lay with babycakes.

Just in case I am missing or dead.

I found a post in a blog the other day that really helped me understand the kind of person who's living with/off of me.  A woman was talking about another woman who has borderline personality disorder.  She recommended a book and listed the following information about it:

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorderhas been especially useful and full of tips on how to deal with the BPD person.

The most consistent advice for dealing with a BPD is to go no contact with them. As in, there is really no good way to deal with a person with this disorder.

These people will always cycle through friends, and find themselves at odds with everyone at some point. They "paint people black" who just a week ago they put up on a pedestal. They are always fighting imagined threats, always thinking people are out to get them, take things from them, talking about them behind their backs, or going to abandon them.

They live in these fantasy worlds where they are the victim and often times will regularly abuse the legal system by filing false restraining orders and claiming things like domestic abuse when in fact they themselves are the abusers.

They are the mothers with Munchhausen syndrome who are constantly eating up the attention of ERs from having "sick" children, and the attention seekers who tell so many lies about their "hard life" and how everyone has abused them that they actually begin to believe their own lies and gain sympathy and help from soft hearted people who want to do the right thing.

And then, when everything unravels, and the people who have been helping them, start to realize the actual truth about them, and who they are actually dealing with, they will turn on those people too. And the cycle of abuse starts all over again and again and again with new people.

Over the past 2.5 years I've read a ton of articles about different mood disorders but have never really been able to nail the experiences I have with this guy on the head.  Well, this hit home.  Every sentence in the above paragraphs are what I go through on an oh-so regular basis.  I feel a little more at ease knowing that there's nothing that will change him.  He will never seek medication or therapy.  He will just bully me in every aspect of my life and I've detached so much but he's even punishing me for that.  There's no winning.

No one reads this blog and that's probably a good thing.  I started it because I had to go to court last year for major charges pressed against me by him over and incident that didn't really occur.  Since then I've documented everything I possibly could to protect me and my children.  Had I been found guilty my life would be altered negatively forever.  He ruined parts of my life and mocks me for it every time he gets mad.  It doesn't make me mad anymore.  I just stopped loving him...or hoping for him.  As I re-read what I just wrote I want to include that my life, as sad as I feel right now, isn't ruined.  It's just harder than it's ever been.  I had some sort of spiritual epiphany the other day while showering and realized that what he did to me is a blessing.  It made me remove my rose colored glasses and everlasting pathetic hope.  It took a very long time to get where I am now and I'm not where I want to be because I'm 30 weeks pregnant and unable to find a job.  He's living here, moved himself in a few weeks ago when I asked him to babysit, and refuses to leave.  I'm so drained I don't know what to do and my anxiety is so high that I went on Zoloft last Friday just so that my heart would stop palpating.  He can't ever find that out because he'll mock me and call them my "anti-psychotics."  Why am I so miserable?  Because I want to move on but I'm stuck for the next 4-5 months.  I just want to be happy and he is such a leech who sucks all the happiness out of everyone around him.

We're walking on eggshells all the time.      

Ack, ack, ack, ack.

Last night, while laying in bed watching t.v. the conversation went like this:
Me:  "How often do you masturbate?"
He:  "Rarely - this conversation is over."
Me:  "................um.................why?"
He:  No response
Me:  "Why aren't I allowed to know anything about you?"
He:  No response

So, I got up silently, walked out of the room, and slept on the couch.

Today, I'm being told that I only ask questions like that because I'm insecure.  I don't really like providing too much information, (although sometimes it's funny) but I'm definitely not insecure in between the bed sheets.  And I'm definitely not physically insecure.  So I call that projection.  Since I refused to agree with him that I'M the insecure one, and since I refused to "get physical" with him again until he could be mature enough to talk about things like sex/masturbation/future birth control, (his answer is always "that's entirely up to you") he said he'll change his answer from "rarely" to "more often"...and if I have a dildo and use it then I'm technically cheating on him anyway.  He also explained that dildos are purchased in "smut shops" and only perverts shop in smut shops.  "Women using dildos are commonly viewed as perverts."  This things that come out of this person's mouth are comical.  I can't help but laugh at the ignorance, or at the fact that when I point out he's being insecure/irrational/verbally and emotionally abusive, he claims that I'm physically abusive.  I didn't know self defense was abuse.  I'm drained.  If I ever brought up/bring up the past, I'm berated, but everything's A-OK when he does it.

I'm real tired of people creating drama where none need be created.  All I ever wonder is if this guy's seriously behaving like this right now...there's people with REAL problems.  REAL ones.  Like, they're homeless, diseased, sick, unemployed, have sick children, etc., and you're throwing a fit about masturbation?  Are you the next Charles Manson or what??

GOD!

Why can't I either be left alone with my kids or just find someone normal?

Speaking of my kids...Silas understands the concept of "Tag."  It's adorable!  He only wants to tag people and be chased though.  He LOVES being chased.  He also LOVES when I chase him around while growling.  He laughs hysterically.  He laughs at everything.  I've never met someone who's so happy to be doing anything and everything.  Truly a blessing, as everyone told me he'd be during my pregnancy with him.

I'm beginning to think that Christopher's depressed.  Or just entering the awkward stage of life.  I can't tell.  He seems sad a lot, but says he's ok.  I could also be over analyzing him because I'm super emotional right now.  Maybe it's me who's depressed and I just want to make sure he never feels like I do.  I also want to make sure he never treats someone the way I'm treated.

Kelsey's just plain moody.  She makes me think astrology is real.  She's such a little cancer.  Sigh.

I don't like the name Stella sometimes.  I don't know.  I do like that I've gained 28lbs so far.  I don't look like I belong in a concentration camp anymore.

Is it bedtime yet?

Questions to Judge Your Relationship

Is your boyfriend often indifferent to your activities, interests, ideas, feelings, or problems?
Yes.  He is completely dismissive of these things unless he agrees with them.
Does he compromise in little things, such as where to go or what to do?
No.  If I'm uncomfortable somewhere he tells me to leave.
Is he selfish?
Yes.  Currently, he does not ask about my pregnancy because "it has nothing to do with" him.
Have you often been very disappointed, hurt, or upset by him?
I've never been so disappointed, hurt, or upset by anyone else in my life.  I spend a good majority of my days feeling regret over ever being with him and then I feel guilty because I don't regret Silas.
Do you often feel manipulated?
I NEVER get to do what I want or what's best for me when he's around, so yes.
Can he admit to making mistakes and apologize?
He's never admitted a mistake.  He's apologized on 4 separate occasions, each time saying, "I'm sorry for whatever it is I contributed to us fighting."  He never owns anything or seems to know what it is he did wrong.
Can he forgive you?
No.  Absolutely not.
How does he treat you when:
He feels angry?
When he's angry he uses his time with Silas to verbally assault me through text/email.  He's also had Silas dedicated behind my back, kept him illegally, (due to our court order) for an entire weekend while I was nursing, and taken him to the ER claiming Silas was suffering from an overdose, (although he was not currently taking any medication) to try and get Silas taken away from me.  He intimidates me and embarrasses me online and talks to me like an idiot in public.  He makes up stories about me to authorities and mutual friends to get people against me or get me in trouble.
Things go wrong?
See above paragraph.
You have many problems?
He withdraws.
When you feel upset or depressed?
He yells or laughs at me and then withdraws.
Does he show patience in anger? Hit walls, throw or break objects, or hurt animals in anger?
He pushes me, throws his hands in the air, and yells, "get your hands off of me!!"
Does he become angry frequently or unnecessarily?
Anytime I show emotion he loses control.
Is his anger sometimes very intense?
He threatened my life on a public forum so I stayed at my friend's house overnight, so I'd say yes.
How does he treat other people when he feels angry?
He yells at and insults them, then shuts them out of his life until they come to him.
Has he threatened, intimidated, or hit you or anyone else?
All of the above.
Can you spontaneously say what you feel, or do certain topics result in bad feelings or trouble?
I walk on eggshells and if I don't it's a disaster.
Is he open to your expressing your needs in the relationship, or occasionally unwilling to listen and discuss things?
He criticizes me if I have needs.
Can you discuss and resolve problems and sensitive issues?
I don't bother because he'll just blow up and blame me for everything.
Do you both compromise or does he always dominate and you give in?
I give in to keep the peace.
Do you trust him?
NO
Is he honest and dependable?
NO
Have there been many lies or deceptions by not telling the whole truth?
YES
Do you feel comfortable and relaxed when you are together?
I feel ugly, incompetent, scared, and stupid.
Can you enjoy yourself and have fun?
No.  One wrong move and he'll call the cops with some random and ridiculous story.
Does he show good judgment that considers the future consequences of his actions on both of you?
He doesn't ever plan for the future.
Does he have an alcohol or drug problem?
I've been told he is an alcoholic by a few alcoholics.
Do you respect each other’s values and goals?
I respect his.
Does he bring out the best in you or does he bring out negative things?
He brings out nothing in me.  I've learned to act like a robot around him.
Does this contribute to your problems, such as depression or low self-esteem?
My self esteem has been replaced by anxiety.  Some days I don't even want to leave my house because I have developed such a complex.
Are you both proud to be seen together?
No.  I immediately feel negatively judged because of all the horrible things he tells people about me.