Rise and shine...

I don't want to go to work anymore. I'm sick of not getting paid. I'm wide awake at 430am when I have to be up at 6am. I've been up since 2am, having anxiety.

I don't normally do this but I feel bad for myself. Yes, pity party for 2...considering I'm carrying a small person. I keep trying to calm down and focus on something bigger but my anxiety is out of control and my heart hurts. I keep seeing texts in my head that I shouldn't have read and I'm just plain hurt. I have no one to help me and honestly, I haven't had anyone to help me in 4 years. Or has it been 5 now... I can't recall.

Do you think youre indispensable and that no one can touch you?

Because I think youre disposable and it's time you knew the truth.

Thats how I'm treated. I needed to double check on the last 13 days being total hogwash so I spilled my guts. Released my fears.

"I'll just go find someone else." Was that the part where I was supposed to beg and plead he take away my fears? I just replied with, "ok," so 8 more times he text me about how I dont deserve him, I'm worthless, there are a million girls out there who don't lie, (because admitting your fears is lying...um...ok) I'm a waste of time, and that he deserves better than me. All I had to say was, "old habits never die, apparently." Theres really not much else to say.

My work is closing in 3 weeks and I've become a high risk pregnancy. Neat~O!! I don't have anyone to help me financially, no savings, and if I have to go on bedrest... I don't know if there will be a fourth.

Maybe I shouldn't even think about that.

Sigh.

It's a girl!!!

It needs a good "S" name. 

Dear Sub Chorionic Hemorrhage,

You're not taking my baby. He or she is currently kicking your ass and is 4 days ahead in development. I will continue to do everything I can on my end to help this baby. I'm not too sure how I'd pull off bedrest though...but please, leave us alone.

Thanks.