Day 10 minus the minus: I'm over it.

I don't feel like counting the days without him anymore.  I can't believe it's only been 10.  It feels like it's been 5 years.  It's so refreshing and relaxing I never thought a life like this would be mine.  I'm so thankful everyday.  Breathing isn't a forced effort anymore.

He tried to start drama with me this a.m. over the delivery and birth certificate, calling me cruel, lazy, worthless, sneaky and shady, you know, all the things that would make me change my mind about him being in the delivery room.  Genius.  I just don't even care.  I can't get back the 18 months of my life I harbored his children and he treated me like a whore and I'm done justifying it to him.  He can say whatever he wants just as long as he stays away from me.

This book saved my life.  It changed my perspective and helped me remove my emotions from the situation and see this guy for what he really is.  What a blessing.

I don't think I need to talk about it anymore.  It's a waste of time.  If something detrimental happens and I need to document it for personal/court reasons, I obviously will, but there's no point in giving him anymore than I already have.

My daughter turned 9 on the 26th.  Time goes soooooooooo fast, I just can't believe how big she is.  She's about a foot shorter than me and is wearing a size 3 in shoes.  I'm 5'5" and wear a size 6.5...Crazy!!!

This year's going to be a better one for all of us. 

Day 7 minus feeding into the bullshit: Hot damn, I'm awesome.

Last night my ex said he was going to wake up early today and come pick up the baby for a few hours before he had to work at 4p.m.  I told him we'd be up by 8a.m. and he could come any time after that.  5:45p.m. today rolled around and I received a text.  "How is Silas feeling?"  Silas was sick all day Saturday, Saturday night, and all day Sunday.  He had a fever and couldn't stop throwing up.  It's pretty exhausting to be pregnant with a sick baby.  I forgot about that.  It's been 9 years since my last round of babies.  I kept the conversation on Silas and asked why he didn't show.  He said that he didn't wake up in time.  Must've been another long night of peeing in bus stops and prancing around wasted with unicorns painted on our heads...kept my thoughts to myself and told him I needed a new car seat and playpen for Stella.  I said it would be really cool if he could contribute something towards her and that I'd greatly appreciate it.  His response?  "That sucks.  Why don't you ask your facebook friends for child support to get that stuff?"

Another display of awesomeness from the "conservative Christian amazing father" whose mother pays his child support...which they're 3 months late on...but anyway...

I didn't respond.  He's baiting me.  If he can suck me back in emotionally he can drain me until I break and he ends up manipulating me back into the relationship.  Eff that.  I've got the game he plays all figured out.  I'm a ex-blind expert at it.

I realized today that I didn't receive child support from my ex husband, or ANY support from him, for 7 years and it didn't bother me one bit.  Why not?  Because he was proud he didn't pay child support.  He "had alcohol to buy."  He never said he was a great dad, never pretended to be one, never made himself out to be anything, and I've gotta be real  honest...I respect that.  At least he knew he wasn't the better parent and stepped out.  And because of that I've never been angry with him over anything.  It's so much easier to accept a person when you know, and when they admit what they are, or aren't.

This time around with my ex boyfriend is obviously so filled with challenges, one of them learning to be ok without receiving physical or financial help from a guy who tells everyone he goes above and beyond to be a wonderful dad.  And on days he's not being a good dad he's telling everyone around him that it's my fault or his mother's fault that he can't be a good dad.

Other than all that jazz, life is good.  Silas is feeling better, I taught him to dance like a couple and he LOVES it, he's been a broken record of "uh oh" and "Nnnnnyoooo", and Kelsey's birthday is tomorrow.

They just keep growing up...

Day 5 minus antics: Life is flippin' good!

Silas threw up and had a fever about 20 minutes before we had to leave to meet my mom at breakfast for Kelsey's birthday, gave him some motrin, cleaned him up, and went out to eat.  He ate bacon, toast, drank water, and was happy as could be.  Poor thing.  He's one tough kid.

My mom bought a new house a few weeks ago and the kids have been bugging her to see it so we went over there for a few hours.  Kelsey got her birthday present 3 days early and all the kids are obsessed with it.  I think Silas views this bear as his new girlfriend.

We went home so we could all take naps but Silas just cried for an hour straight and then his fever returned. I suck with sick kids.  I become so anxiety ridden where fevers are concerned because my niece had a high fever before she died.  Ack.  It makes me sick to my stomach to write about her dying.  I'm just a nervous wreck.  I'm exhausted but refusing to sleep.  It's easier just to stay up and watch him.

I received a text today that I could've turned into complete drama but decided that moving on is being done.

"Did you really delete all my Mit Romney pictures?"

"They're backed up on my Carbonite."

"Can you send them to me when you have a second?"

Silence.  I wanted to say, "I deleted them because you deleted all of Silas' videos."  I wanted to say, "If I'm in no position to ask you for favors then you're in no position to ask me for favors."  I wanted to say, "Maybe someday."  I wanted to say, "I think harboring your children for a year and a half without an ounce of help from you was enough."  I wanted to say, "Are you crazy?"  So, I said nothing.  And I decided that as angry as I become when he baits me, because EVERY time he asks me for something he has the opportunity to bait me, I won't respond.  Ultimately, I know all the answers to the questions I wanted to reply with, I don't need to give him the opportunity to blame me for his actions which is exactly what I'd be doing by giving him a response.  You can show someone who you are until you don't know who you are anymore and losing yourself will never be enough for them.  

And with that, I wish you all a wonderful night.  I'm going to lay with babycakes.

Day 4 minus confusion: Oh the places we will go.

My oldest and I are sunburned a bit and, holy poop, it's uncomfortable to be burnt and pregnant!  My skin hates me during pregnancy anyway and now it REALLY hates me.  It's dry, stingy, and itchy.  Yum.

It was a great day though.  I find so much enjoyment in my children.  Everything about them makes me happy.  I hope that when I go back to work I find a job that's pretty flexible so I can be around them as much as possible.  I LOVE spending time with them more than anything in the world.  We went out to breakfast in Port Clinton and then to East Harbor beach.  Super long drive when you're antsy like me and forgot babycake's binky but we needed to get out of the house and far away from it.

I just adore these babies so much.  Getting out of the dramatic relationship makes me feel like me again.  I love to just sit back, relax, and take comfort in the little things.  It's just how I am.  "A pothead who doesn't smoke pot."

As pumped as I am to have this baby I'm not ready to deliver yet!  My body's behaving otherwise.  For the past few hours, it's been pretty difficult to walk.  There's so much pressure in my pelvis and I'd like it to stop!

35 weeks <3

Day 1 minus pain: Happy Belated Father's Day

Everything my dad taught me not to be, he is, and so is every douchebag I've ever dated.  Lazy, controlling, a drunk, mentally abusive, disgusted by lazy people, racist, narcissistic, angry, thoughtless, and cheap.  The great thing about it is that I'm not any of these things, but the older I become the less I can tolerate these behaviors.  Actually, I can't tolerate them at all anymore.  I hear my dad's voice saying, "these people treat you like garbage.  They're complete garbage.  That guy's self centered and worthless.  He's 34 years old, can't hold a job, doesn't have a car or his own place, he's fat and lazy, lives off his mom, and pulls the 'feel sorry for me I didn't have a dad' act."  My dad's dad left him and his four younger brothers 28 years ago and he still holds a grudge about it because his dad took all his younger brothers money from their bank accounts.  My dad drinks everyday, he wouldn't call to check on me if I was quadriplegic, if anyone has a problem he says they did it to themselves, he took all my money out of my savings and spent it on his mail order bride, he can't even figure out how to fill a nail hole in the wall, but he'll save hundreds of blue bags filled with recyclables in his garage for the extra change.  Over the past year I've had zero relationship with my dad and for whatever reason, that's helped me a lot with letting go of guys who are wrong for me.  So, thanks dad for not being there for me.  Ever.  You've made me a great mom and over the next few years I'll move on with my life and find a guy who is good to me because I'm done dating guys like you.

This was me a year ago.

I'm not "there" anymore.

For the past 34 hours I've been feeling like this is too good to be true.  He's gone.  He moved out.  Although he's still saying that my landlord needs to evict him, (control issue) he doesn't.  The landlord evicted him in November 2010 and therefore him being here is trespassing.  The criminal kind.  There's probably been about a 30min total where I've felt...I don't know...hurt?  Sad?  I am human, it would be weird if I didn't feel any negative emotion over this, or would it?

I feel:  used, betrayed, controlled, manipulated, disgusted, dirty, embarrassed, sad for Silas and Stella, worried that they'll be utterly damaged by their dad, ugly, below average, rejected, and stupid.


And although I feel all these things, something inside me has changed and I feel too strong to let my feelings control me.  Almost like I acknowledge that they're there but they don't define me.  I've never been able to really do this before.  Usually, a break up defines me...if I truly loved the person...and it takes a very long time to run it's course through me.  This time that's not happening because I know all the anxiety, stress, pain, drama, and depression I went through was ultimately something I went through for someone else.  I kept thinking that the more I took, the more he'd realize how awesome these kids and I are and he'd snap out of it.  When times were good I would hope that they'd never change and I'd tell him he was my best bud.  In past relationships I was a fuckin' jerk.  Constantly.  I thought whoever I was with needed to prove something to me.  I was young and ignorant and super insecure.  I just figured he needed persistence like I needed back then, but he's too old and too deep into it, and the extent of maliciousness he goes to is extreme.  That's the scary part.  Most people can take a step back and realize that they screwed up but he doesn't have that ability.  I learned that nothing is all I can do.  He and his mom are going to be beyond furious and over dramatic when they're not included in Stella's birth or even the signing of the birth certificate.  They're going to try to keep Silas from me, they're going to tell me what a horrible person I am, he's going to post my first and last name all over facebook, and they're going to take no responsibility for the way they've treated me and more importantly my kids.  And you know what?  Now that I know what to expect I don't care how they behave.  I know I'm making the right decisions this time.  Doing everything their way, being constantly manipulated, treating them how I wanted to be treated go me exactly where I am.  Doing it on my own for the 4th time. 


But it's better this way.  I don't have to deal with things like this anymore.

...

I'm flooded with emotions right now.  I'm so happy I don't know what to do with myself.  My ex, yes I can officially call him my ex now, moved out today, after yelling at me for 45 minutes and telling me how I was never the one for him, how's he's been miserable with me for 3 years, how he can't wait to "fuck other girls," etc., etc., etc.  The interesting thing is that he's always miserable "because of who he's dating" and as much as I pity the next girl, I look forward to the lack of drama.  And trust me, there will be an extreme lack of it once he finds someone else.  Kids are too much for him, especially his own.  Before he arrived for his things, (and of course to shower) his mom began texting me that he and I deserve each other, (she's so mad that I told her she encourages his controlling behavior by catering to it) and that she feels so sorry for her and the kids.  She fed me the perfect opportunity to shed some light on the situation.  "How could I deserve him?  I defend you when he writes status updates about you, I've done nothing but try to get you and the kids to have a relationship, yet you're the one letting a 33 year old's 'conniptions' override time spent with your grandson.  You're not the victim, but you've made the kids victims to your behavior now too."  She never responded.

The apple doesn't fall very far from the tree and as much as I used to never want to be like my parents I've learned I have some great qualities they have.  Had I embraced them sooner I wouldn't be in an abusive situation.  I'm pretty thankful right now.  He only moved out a few hours ago but the release of stress I feel is something I can't comprehend.  My kids yelled, "we got our life back!!!!!!!" when he walked out the door.  I had no idea they even felt that way.  Then they talked to me for about an hour about how he made them feel.  "He gets mad over everything, he was always yelling at you, we've known him for like two or three years and he's never tried to be nice to us, he's the only person you ever dated that didn't love us," etc., etc., etc.  I just sat there and listened.  I've been so depressed and hurt over the past 2 months from all the mental abuse that I couldn't sit there and do anything but listen.  And feel like a bag of wieners.  Kids are so forgiving because when I apologized for letting him around them they just said they loved me.

I LOVE them.  And I love that the one who's "never loved me" is gone.  I have $31 in my bank acct, no income, am 34 weeks pregnant, but I have almost 4 beyond wonderful and healthy children and that's all that matters.

...

At 4a.m. I woke up to a text from his mother stating she is not allowed to watch my kids this a.m. because he is throwing a "conniption fit."  He threatened suicide or to leave the state if she watches them this a.m.  I had somewhere important to be with a good friend and I didn't tell him where I had to go so this is how he reacts.  He claims he lives here for the kids but this is clearly not about the kids, it's about controlling my life. I text his mother back and told her he needs to get out and they can take me to court to try to modify his already very limited visitation that he has because he's mentally unstable.  Obviously, neither him nor his mother are fit to have children around for extended periods of time.  Neither of them can be the adult in the situation and she caters to a 33 year old and his temper tantrums.  It's unbelievable.  A few nights ago he posted something on his facebook status about the way he turned out being all her fault, stating she wasn't around and didn't teach him how to be a man, and that he's ruined because of her.  I defended her, and yet now I feel like she is partially to blame.  I don't know how or why you would let your grown child control you.

And then yesterday, during the process of him telling me that he cheats because I "suck in bed," he's a "status update away from porno sex," and the multiple suicide threats, I found out that he got fired from his tattooing job because he stole $400.  Amazing.


"I can still remember the first time I ever saw you.  I don't even remember the first time I saw my son's mother."

...

34 weeks today. <3

Depression is gross.  Mind games are even more gross.  Last night he said he'd move out today.  Today he took the kids for a walk.  There was no moving his stuff out.  Every night I'm stressed out because I don't know if he's coming back here or if he'll be back in a few days after painting unicorns on his head, peeing openly in bus stops, and waking up in other girls' blankets.  I'm sad, but I'm ready for change.  Change is scary, but so necessary.

I look like hell.  I'm constantly tired, my house is trashed, and I don't even care.

But I have cute kids!!

...

I feel completely defeated right now.  Drained, depressed, alone, irritated, and exhausted.  Every day is an aggravation because he refuses to leave.  If he's in the bathroom and I'm trying to tell him something he locks the door which means I'm supposed to stop talking.  If I put one of his belongings in his safe he takes it out and sets it on my dresser.  When he eats he leaves his dishes and cups/drink cans on my dresser.  He lays in the middle of the bed so I don't have any room.  He doesn't shower when he comes home from work and the smell of his feet/spilled alcohol/cigarettes nauseates me so I have to wash the sheets every day.  Yesterday I started washing all of the baby's big stuff, (car seat cover, swing cushion, bath seat) and I asked him if he could bring the swing up from the basement so I could wash it off.  He looked at me like I had 16 heads and said, "you're in no position to ask me for favors."  So what is it that happened this week that has him pushed over the edge?  On Monday night he left his email acct open on my computer so I read it.  Why?  Because he goes through everything of mine, he deletes pics off of my computer of my friends he doesn't like, and every time he goes online he hovers over the keyboard so no one can see what he's typing.  When my kids ask him why he does this he tells them it's because he can't trust us.  In his sent box he had 5 messages to personal ads on craigslist from March 29 beginning at 3:10a.m.  I was hurt.  I sat and sobbed for hours.  I haven't cried like that in awhile.  What hurts is that he's so selfish he would be with other people while I'm pregnant.  That's so disgusting to me that I don't even have words for it.  I guess I feel like my daughter and I are covered in other girls' vaginas.  I decided that there was no point in mentioning it because I'm done.  Tuesday I had the flu, and Wednesday I had an ob/gyn appt in the a.m. so I rolled out of bed and snuck out of the house while everyone was sleeping.  My Dr confirmed I had the flu and gave me an std test after I told him about what I'd found out.  I haven't received a call back which is a good thing but I'm really angry I had to get tested.  X called me 4 times while I was at my appt because "the kids want to know where you're at."  I called him back afterwards and told him I went to my appt.  He was mad that he wasn't included so I filled him in on the details and told him I had the flu to which he said nothing.  The usual.  When I returned to the house he asked if he could use my car for work.  I just looked at him and laid down.  He started to argue with me.  I wasn't responding so he started to yell.  Eventually, I explained that I had found out info about him and he is not to ask me for anything that doesn't regard his children.  His response was, "ok let's go look at my email and we'll see."  He opened it up, I looked in the sent box and clicked on each message and showed him.  He stared blankly at the screen and began to stutter.  "Those are resumes," he finally said.  "Really?  You send pics out of you kissing a gun, your phone number out, messages asking for you to be hit up, another that talks about how you don't write much because females rarely read it, and another that talks about how you're good, you're nice, you're fun???  And at 3a.m.??  Do you think I don't know why people are up at 3a.m. contacting the opposite sex???"  Silence.  Silence.  Silence.  Silence.  Then he asked to sit down.  I got up and went in the bathroom and started to cry.

He then told me that there were arrows next to the messages that said the message had been forwarded, (I forwarded them to myself once I found them the other night) and that the image number of the pic didn't match the image number of that pic in his phone.  I gave him that phone a month ago...the emails were sent in March...and his old phone couldn't send emails...so...his next reason for all of this?  I did it.  He said I broke into his email back in March and that I sent those messages out to other girls.  Amazing.  He screamed at me, he screamed at my kids and told them they were pitiful for comforting me while I was sobbing, and when I walked into my bedroom and sat on my bed he stuck his finger 2" away from my face and almost had his nose to mine while screaming.  I didn't scream back, I just told him to get out of my face and kept crying.  I told him he needs to move out and he said he's not going to.  He said it's his house and he's staying here.  I receive a food card and he told me that's his now too because he's a tax payer and I'm unemployed.  I called the police and asked if I would get in trouble for changing the locks.  They told me that if I do and he breaks in, he's in the right because he's established residency.  I need a place to go.  I can't take it anymore.  The crazy, the drama, the walking on eggshells, and at the beginning of the week his mom was siding with me and yesterday she went back to his side.  Figures.  Family is family and that's what they do, even though my mom would kick my toosh if I behaved like this guy...  I guess there are laws but they don't apply to him and I'm just angry all the time.  I'm so tired of the abuse and anytime I vent to someone they tell me I made my bed.  It tears me up inside because I'm the kind of person that would help anyone no questions asked and I don't even have the means to do it.  I've never once told someone that something was their fault and I've never given someone advice without telling them HOW to do it too.

I would be so grateful.

Now on to the important stuff:

Silas LOVES the beach.  I took the kids last Saturday and Silas threw the fit of all fits when we were leaving.  Of course, Chris and Kelsey HATE it.  They hate that there aren't water slides and they're not fans of the sand.  Lame.

  
On Tuesday night Kelsey taught Silas to shake hands with her when she says "nice to meet you."  It's adorable!!!

With as much drama as this guy causes, one of the worst things that happened this week was that I found out all of my videos of Silas are gone.  I use carbonite to back up my computer and the folders are there but they're all empty.  My hard drive was wiped clean a few months ago too.  I felt like something died when I realized his first year and a half is gone.

Tomorrow's another day.

...

Yesterday he went through my phone and started an argument with me over one of my girl friends texting me about her life.  He hates this girl and claims she's his "enemy."  He said that we are a family and I have to take on his enemies as my own.  I don't have enemies.  I think this guy is probably the only person I've ever felt I hated and most days I don't even care about him enough to give him my hatred.  He claims that I am not loyal to him by remaining friends with her and that I'm disrespectful.  Could this guy be any more like Drew Peterson?  I don't even get mad when he says this stuff.  I just think, "holy lifetime movie, this guy needs help."

Last night when he started in on me again, because he checked my phone again, and she had text me he said that he will find ways for me to prove I respect him.  I told him that he is absolutely batshit crazy, needs medication, and counseling, and that we'll will never have any kind of relationship that's worth "proving."  And in a healthy relationship, there's really nothing to prove.  This is just complete garbage, as usual.

This morning he came into the bedroom and said he needed to talk to me.  I sat up and he continued to tell me that he will not be disrespected in his own house where he's the only one working and paying the bills.  Mind you, he paid June's rent 5 days late, and only gave me $300 for May.  He still owes me $400 for May, eats the food here, and uses my car to get to and from work.  I pay all the utilities, for all the household items, and anything any of the kids need.  He also told me that while he's living here and taking care of "Dan's kids" that I'm to follow his demands.  He divided the rent by 30 days and will pay for each day if I follow his rules.  Today's demand is that I must add him on my facebook and send him a relationship request.  If I don't do that he's not pay the rent today.  I told him this behavior is exactly why I said he needs counseling and medication.  I made it clear that we do not have a relationship therefore I will not say I do online.  He said, "well, I guess you're not getting the rent today," and left.  After wrapping my head around this disgusting control issue I sent him a text that read, "For each day you don't pay the rent, you cannot use my car the next day.  You still owe me $400 for May.  I deleted my facebook."  He never text back, which is always the best thing.

I can tell this stress is taking a huge toll on my body.  I've been sick for 2 weeks with a constant headache, nausea, and for the past two days I've had constant chest pain.  I thought it was heartburn but I don't think that's what it is.  I went to the Dr last week and I dropped 3cm.  He put me back into the high risk category and sent me to a specialist to get an ultrasound.  

So, there's her lips, nose, and umbilical cord.  She looks identical to Silas.  It's so precious.

Mirror, mirror on the wall.

When they said soul mates look alike did they mean insides or outsides?

Or does soul mate mean you will continue to find the same type of person over and over and over again?  Since realizing I have 4 kids with 2 different guys who have the same personality type, (except guy #2 is WAY more verbally abusive/psychotic/selfish/immature) I have begun to figure out how to deal with it.

One day things will be wonderful.