If it weren't for this blog, I'd have no outlet.

No one cares if you're sad, so you might as well be happy. Or at least, pretend to be. So far, being 30 has sucked. The only perk I've experienced so far is that my skin has cleared up a lot. This could also be due to the fact that I got an IUD last month but who knows? I'm not complaining about that.

Today I shaved one of my best girlfriend's head. I've known her since I was 12. She came to Florida with me and my mom for our family vacation when we were teens. She turned 30, 29 days before I did. Shortly after her birthday she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She's had chemo twice so far. I feel completely selfish writing this, but this is really killing me inside. She is so positive and playful. Truly inspiring. She has two super young, gorgeous little girls, and her husband is her high school sweetheart. It's like something out of a movie. When I came home from her house today I laid down in my bed and took a nap. I'm so mentally drained. I know she will be ok. She found it early and it's not anywhere else in her body. I know she's well taken care of. And I know that attitude is everything. I just need to work on mine. Pep it up a little bit. I've got to get it together.

On a side note, this past weekend I learned to mind my own business. Next time I'm walking home from the Richland at 2am, (after only spending $7) and I witness a person total a Mercedes I will not call 911 for help. Cops have nothing better to do but give key witnesses disorderly conduct/intoxication tickets. So next time I will just keep walking.

Gonna get in the car and drive real far...

And apparently listen to the Horror Pops over and over again. Although, the band makes me want to bash my head into the steering wheel, my Stella Kat LOVES them. I've never met a baby with so much preference. All 4 of my children are so different. It's incredible in an awesome kind of way.

I love how she holds my arm with her soft little paw when she's nursing.

Sometimes I think you know me better than most.

And sometimes I think I should title my blog, "Dear Lacey." I'm not complaining. I like Lacey. Today I had that breakdown moment. The one where you're paralyzed and all you can think of is, "someone please help me," when my phone went off and I had an email. A comment notification. And then the feeling of being paralyzed vanished and was replaced with thankfulness/tears.

I've been pretty stressed to say the least. Stella has a double ear infection, my house is covered in Legos, she started crawling two days ago, and now I feel completely outnumbered and overwhelmed. She's such a mommy's girl too. I love it but sometimes I need to fold laundry, or shower, or eat something. I love my job dearly but I don't make enough money for how much physical work I do. It's way more than doing hair. Nursing homes are hard places to work in. It's a lot of nurturing, double and triple draping and caping, squatting during an entire haircut, repeating yourself over and over and over and over and over again, and watching aides treat these people like garbage. It's unbelievable. I often remember why I'm not in healthcare anymore...which makes me regret...so many regrets. Yeah, yeah, I know that no one is supposed to have those but I do. I wish I'd have gotten a good degree before I had kids. I wish I wouldn't have given up on myself at such a young age. I wish I made more money so I could spend it on other people. I swear I could blow an entire paycheck on things for other people. Fundraisers, presents, bake sales, I'm nuts.

Holy moly I'm exhausted.

Please stop kicking my ass.

I try really hard. I try to be accommodating, thoughtful, appreciative, respectful, motivated, accepting, understanding... You get it. I try. It's so hard to be these things to someone that uses you. I'm also tired of being so cryptic. Even with myself. I want to be loved and to have a good relationship. I want my words to be seen as honest ones instead of as insults. I want a self esteem and I want to believe in myself. I want to stop deceiving myself. People don't change unless they don't like themselves. I can't say they don't change because I know I did. But only because I hated myself. I'm going to be 30 in 5 days. I can't wait. I hated my 20's minus my kids. No repeats please.