I choose the things.

Yesterday, Stella fed the ducks at the park.  Her teachers took pictures of her and her friends on the swings and when I asked her to show me the picture of her she pointed at the one of her and then at the one of her little boyfriend, Luke.  Today, she kissed Luke all over his face and hugged him.  She's precious!!

Today was Chris and Kelsey's first day of 5th and 6th grade.  It went way better than I expected.  Christopher has been terrified about this for about a week now.  He talked about it two nights ago for an hour straight.  His dad wants him to take medication, (which I don't believe in for children) so I'm pretty thankful he was able to calm himself down today.  No tears, but he did forget his house key and had to climb through a window to get inside.  Kelsey, (my social butterfly) had a wonderful day.  She was nervous about learning something hard, but since I got her an IEP last year I think she'll do much better than she did at the beginning of last year.

A facebook email I received today from an old high school acquaintance:
Hey Karen, 
I meant to message you months ago but life just gets crazy. Ha. A few months ago I was pulling out of my parents driveway and two lil kids were crossing the driveway on the sidewalk. I recognized them to be your two oldest. Obviously I stopped and they stopped and I motioned to let them go first. They both looked me right in the eye and smiled and said thank you. I saw the genuineness and kindness in their eyes. I was taken aback. Not many kids their age would have looked me in the eye and been so genuinely polite. I immediately thought of you and what an amazing mama they have. I'm sure you're already proud of them but I wanted to let you know they warmed a stranger's(to them) heart that day...on a day I didn't think I could smile. You have 4 beautiful children. I commend you. Hope you are doing well. Xo

I am feeling overwhelmed and outnumbered.  Four kids is a lot, especially when they go to three different schools.  I love them so much it's insane and I want them all to be so safe and smart.  Ugh.  Love.  Steve's trying REALLY hard to be good to me.  He's succeeding.  There is a box in our bedroom and I think it has a present for me in it.  I can't wait for him to get home from work!!  On Saturday, his mom, (who I haven't spoken to in 8 months b/c she threw a temper tantrum since I didn't return a text fast enough and she decided she'd "never send me any messages or texts again") decided to randomly email me to tell me how I'M the one who has borderline personality disorder, not her or her son.  Ok.  When I showed Steve the emails she sent me, (b/c after I told her to stop contacting me she couldn't stop contacting me) he looked at me and said, "she really is crazy, isn't she...I'm so sorry...I've done this stuff too."  And so have I...when I was in my early 20's and drunk.  Then I'd wake up the next day and feel like a total jackass, only to get drunk and do it again.  I like being 30.  I wouldn't ever want to be in my 20's, (especially early 20's) ever again.  EVER.  But she's in her late 50's and lives alone and the only family she has either can't stand her or only does so in super small doses, usually when they're drunk too.  It's sad.

Things are things.  And today they're good.

I want to be a good mom.

I don't feel like I'm good at anything anymore. I have such a stupid self esteem. I am not confident in my decisions. I don't have the finances or the time to make the decisions I dream about. 

I am trying to focus on all the good things I have but the good things I have are not just my own. They are people, places, and things that have their own minds, stresses, and inadequacies. They aren't there very often or easily accessible. It is harder to deal with every day things because I'm doing so with someone I don't love. 

Stella ran out the front door and fell down the front porch stairs yesterday. I watched and was paralyzed. I couldn't move or talk and once I was able I shook until I threw up. We went to the ER and she was diagnosed with a mild concussion. I'm mad. I've been mad since I saw her screaming at the bottom of the concrete stairs. I care so much about life and I share these beautiful little creatures with someone who doesn't. Sometimes I hate myself. 

Lexapro doesn't work. Zoloft really doesn't work. And I can't afford to go back to crossfit. 

I don't know what to do. 

I should've done what I wanted.

Some days I think my tombstone is gonna read something like: here lies mommy; woulda, shoulda, coulda. Sometimes when I see the missing person signs flashing on the highway I feel excited and somewhat envious of the missing person. I love my life but I'm not in love with it. I love it because I have bunches of kids, the healthy and beautiful kind. I don't love it because...well...because my definition of successful doesn't reflect my life.

Today, "hope" told me to go fuck myself.  Very kindly, but it still hurt just the same.  Reality set in that this isn't just a stage in my life.  This too isn't passing.  This is my life.  And I'm really sad about it.  I don't know how to change it because he won't leave.  How many times can you pack up someone's stuff and put it in the hallway before they get the hint?  I hate this.  I hate this more than when T left me.  I've always thought that was the worst time in my life, but it's not.  Good people are almost impossible to find these days.  Am I really stuck with someone who swears at me CONSTANTLY, tries jumping out of my moving car when he doesn't want to be in it, involves police in everything, and spends all of his nights at the bar and on slot machines?  I can't ever rely on him for anything, except drastic mood swings.  I hate it.  I want to crawl in a hole and cry.  T...I just re-read that sentence.  I hate this more than when T left me.  There must be something about the initial T because the reason I've realized what I do not want more than anything in the world is because of a new person with the first initial T.  I'm never talking to a person with the first initial T ever again.  As if that will really solve any of my problems.

Silas went to the dentist yesterday and had his tooth fixed.  Little buddy just had one cavity.  He will be 3 years old tomorrow!!  We celebrated his and Stella's birthdays last Sunday though.  Stella LOVED her party.  Silas cried most of the time.  I think parties stress him out...

I am the girl with the short skirt and the long jacket.

Life is a bunch of balogna. The kind you find in the back of your fridge when you're cleaning it out. The package looks melted, buttery, and is sticky and misshapen. You open the package and smell a mix of your ex boyfriends feet and fluffy girl vagina. 

Sigh. 

So, naturally, when my kids dad found out I was seeing someone else he went ballistic and began controlling my entire life. This lasted a few short weeks until he was certain that the guy had stopped pursuing me. He has returned, in full effect, to the vulgar, disgusting, manipulative, verbally abusive, fat prick he tries not so hard to cover up. My stress level is so high that I sweat constantly, I'm covered in a rash, I cannot drink anything except water, and I cannot eat anything except fruit and dry cereal. Everything, and I mean, everything makes me sick. I am not depressed though. That's always a plus. Today, Silas stuck his tongue out and spit at me while Steve was yelling at me and Steve commended him. It was gross. I packed Steve's stuff up a few days ago but he just unpacked it and put it all away. I pay all the bills and the rent which leaves me $32 between checks to put gas in my car, buy diapers, and other household necessities. 

Sigh. 

I need a second job. Even if its only 1 or 2 days a week. 

At least my kids are healthy and beautiful. I would just like to be able to enjoy them more without the drama. 

I think God sent me someone.

All the things I do:

Pay $500 towards rent

Pay gas/electric/cable

Pay daycare

Buy the food

Buy toiletries/laundry and cleaning items

Pay for kids extras

Buy kids clothes

Transport kids to and from school/daycare/doctors appts/dentist appts/friends houses

Laundry 

Dishes

Detailing

Minor repairs around the house

Paint

Take out trash and recyclables

Clean back hallway 

All the things he does:

Apply $200 towards rent

Pay phone bill

Buy toilet paper/paper towels/diapers

Get stupid tattoos of Charles Ramsey to become an instant celebrity in the news

I've had enough. 

Maybe I could find the time to make you understand.

I've decided to blog a few times a week, if not, more. My best friend just got engaged and she's busy with her soon to be step daughter and husband. I could say I miss her, I could say I'm sad and feel like a lost puppy, I could say I feel left out, but instead I'll just say I'm happy for her and her life change. I'm 30. You'd think I would've kept someone around who was good to me by now. I hope this year I get the chance to. I would relish in it. And now I'm thinking of hotdogs. Mmmmmm. Anywho, I want someone who is mine and I want someone who considers me theirs. I don't have a "person" for anything. So, I'd like one of those. And a job making $500 extra a month, and someone who could pick the kids up from school if they're sick or it's raining outside, maybe run them to their doctor appointments...basically I need to have 24/7 access to another adult who I can and want to get naked with and share EVERYTHING except used toilet paper with.

On an awesome note, Christopher had his first band concert tonight and my big little flutist kicked butt. I cried. I've never done that before. I felt so confused. While holding my last baby I was watching my first baby grow up. He's going to middle school next year. I've had "the talk" with him and he's pretty excited to be growing up. Yikes. Silas does a fantastic composer impression...

Until we meet again blog, my new best friend.

I apologize in advance for any repetitions.

I suppose everyone is unhappy with certain circumstances in their life. I suppose everyone feels overwhelmed, unloved, mistreated, used, unhealthy, and ruined. Lately though, I suppose I've been feeling all of the above more often than I normally do.

I wake up, I look at the clock, I calculate how much longer I can sleep for. I look over at the guy sleeping next to me and I feel nothing. What I think is a totally different subject. I think things like, "stop snoring, dear God your breath smells like dead animals, why did I do this, and you're not even tolerable when you're sleeping." Then I fall back asleep until my alarm goes off again, and when it does, you better believe I look over at the guy sleeping next to me and my mind races again. I get up for the day, I wake my two older children up, I shower, while in the shower I hope to myself that he woke up and is getting the babies ready for me to take them to school. When I get out of the shower I am mad because my 11 year old is watching tv while my 10 year old is laying face down in her bed. She is not a morning person and neither am I so I can't be that mad right? But then I think, "we dislike in others what we dislike in ourselves," and then I get mad at myself for being 30 and still unable to get up for the day. It is now 7:52 and the babies are not awake. I am dressed but I need to dry my hair and put on make up. I hate putting on make up because I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror. I'm ugly. My skin is horrid. I have celiac disease and acne scars and boy, does it show on my face. A resident I work for once said, "if you are sick your skin is too," and I'm just sick of being sick. I'm sick of being sick and having no one to take care of me. No one helps me with anything. That guy is still sleeping in my bed and if he has it his way, I will live every day of my life "in a relationship" on paper, but living as a single mom in reality. I'm tired of doing everything myself. He says, "I can't do anything I work 6 days a week." Six days a week and our phones are always shut off and our rent is always late because he doesn't have is half which is $350. If you're working six days a week and can't come up with about $500 a month for rent and a phone bill you're obviously doing something wrong. I pay for everything else. I need a new car. Mine is about to go. My credit is shot. In my early 20's I must've thought I was Paris Hilton the way I ran up my credit cards. My brain isn't being very nice today and I need a nap. It's now 8:06 and I'm about to start drying my hair but before I do, I make sure the older two kids get the two younger kids ready. This takes much prodding because they want to be 10 and 11. Typical. So now it's 8:15, they're arguing over who's going to put the baby in her carseat, and I'm wondering why this guy couldn't just wake up and get his kids ready. If I wake him up he gives me an attitude that's about as tolerable as wiping my butthole with sandpaper and a tattoo gun. Simultaneously. And I just can't take it. Sigh. I don't want to go to work today. I don't want to go to work today. Why didn't I pick a guy who worked hard so I didn't have to? Oh, that's right. Because I had no self esteem. Well, I have one now, can I please have someone who will take care of us and who I can take care of, too? Why am I talking to myself. No one is listening. It is now 8:35 and I'm finally walking out the door with my kids. I reverse, back in to that guy's, (who's in my bed) truck because he didn't pull up into his spot far enough and I think, "this dude can't even park right," and just continue to reverse while scraping the side of my car. I don't even care. My car might not make it to work anyway and I'm late.

I could go on about the rest of my day, but I'm sure that jumping on a trampoline covered in broken glass would be more fun than reading my bitching. So I'll just end this with two things: I removed my iud today all by myself because the symptoms mirroring lupus have got to go, and every day I hope I don't have to wait until I'm 60 and that guy dies to be happy.

If it weren't for this blog, I'd have no outlet.

No one cares if you're sad, so you might as well be happy. Or at least, pretend to be. So far, being 30 has sucked. The only perk I've experienced so far is that my skin has cleared up a lot. This could also be due to the fact that I got an IUD last month but who knows? I'm not complaining about that.

Today I shaved one of my best girlfriend's head. I've known her since I was 12. She came to Florida with me and my mom for our family vacation when we were teens. She turned 30, 29 days before I did. Shortly after her birthday she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She's had chemo twice so far. I feel completely selfish writing this, but this is really killing me inside. She is so positive and playful. Truly inspiring. She has two super young, gorgeous little girls, and her husband is her high school sweetheart. It's like something out of a movie. When I came home from her house today I laid down in my bed and took a nap. I'm so mentally drained. I know she will be ok. She found it early and it's not anywhere else in her body. I know she's well taken care of. And I know that attitude is everything. I just need to work on mine. Pep it up a little bit. I've got to get it together.

On a side note, this past weekend I learned to mind my own business. Next time I'm walking home from the Richland at 2am, (after only spending $7) and I witness a person total a Mercedes I will not call 911 for help. Cops have nothing better to do but give key witnesses disorderly conduct/intoxication tickets. So next time I will just keep walking.

Gonna get in the car and drive real far...

And apparently listen to the Horror Pops over and over again. Although, the band makes me want to bash my head into the steering wheel, my Stella Kat LOVES them. I've never met a baby with so much preference. All 4 of my children are so different. It's incredible in an awesome kind of way.

I love how she holds my arm with her soft little paw when she's nursing.

Sometimes I think you know me better than most.

And sometimes I think I should title my blog, "Dear Lacey." I'm not complaining. I like Lacey. Today I had that breakdown moment. The one where you're paralyzed and all you can think of is, "someone please help me," when my phone went off and I had an email. A comment notification. And then the feeling of being paralyzed vanished and was replaced with thankfulness/tears.

I've been pretty stressed to say the least. Stella has a double ear infection, my house is covered in Legos, she started crawling two days ago, and now I feel completely outnumbered and overwhelmed. She's such a mommy's girl too. I love it but sometimes I need to fold laundry, or shower, or eat something. I love my job dearly but I don't make enough money for how much physical work I do. It's way more than doing hair. Nursing homes are hard places to work in. It's a lot of nurturing, double and triple draping and caping, squatting during an entire haircut, repeating yourself over and over and over and over and over again, and watching aides treat these people like garbage. It's unbelievable. I often remember why I'm not in healthcare anymore...which makes me regret...so many regrets. Yeah, yeah, I know that no one is supposed to have those but I do. I wish I'd have gotten a good degree before I had kids. I wish I wouldn't have given up on myself at such a young age. I wish I made more money so I could spend it on other people. I swear I could blow an entire paycheck on things for other people. Fundraisers, presents, bake sales, I'm nuts.

Holy moly I'm exhausted.

Please stop kicking my ass.

I try really hard. I try to be accommodating, thoughtful, appreciative, respectful, motivated, accepting, understanding... You get it. I try. It's so hard to be these things to someone that uses you. I'm also tired of being so cryptic. Even with myself. I want to be loved and to have a good relationship. I want my words to be seen as honest ones instead of as insults. I want a self esteem and I want to believe in myself. I want to stop deceiving myself. People don't change unless they don't like themselves. I can't say they don't change because I know I did. But only because I hated myself. I'm going to be 30 in 5 days. I can't wait. I hated my 20's minus my kids. No repeats please.

In case I forget.

I turned off the tv and said, "Silas it's night night time." He replied with, "hey mom! Si watchin' tv!!"

Sweet thing.

I love my kids so much it's undefinable.

I'm lucky. I'm blessed. Call it whatever you want to call it. My kids bring me so much happiness that at times I feel like my heart is going to explode.

Christopher is such a good kid. He's considerate. He's at the age where seeing girls naked is something that makes him uncomfortable. He likes privacy when he pees. He works at enunciating his words, calls his grandma to see if she needs anything done around the house, reprimands his brother for repeating the word "sucks," practices the flute daily, bathes his baby sister and rocks her to sleep, and starts my car in the morning. He's a home body. He's a lot like me.

Kelsey is on her way to puberty. She's pretty emotional, I feel like nothing's ever good enough, yet she's so happy to be with her family. She has a bond with her brothers that no one can touch. I've never seen anything like it. Her baby brother means the world to her. She showers with him, reads him stories, and gets him ready for daycare in the morning. She's the best helper I've ever met and at times I don't know what I'd do without her help. I admire her social skills and confidence. She's been doing great at school since I got her an IEP and she's decided she wants to go to fashion school to design clothes. My mom is going to teach her to sew.

Silas speaks!! About 3 weeks ago his vocabulary developed immensely in to full blown toddler tornado chatter box madness. He can say every word. He can even spell "coke," and he's read a few words here and there. I wonder if he was learning every word until he knew them all and then decided to talk. His new phrase is, "I love it!" He's awesome. He's become quite the little hoarder since he began daycare. He has gift bags and boxes filled with everything you could imagine, from valentines day cards to q-tips to Barbie shoes. Whenever something goes missing I know where to find it. He also has a friend at school named Edward, who he tells on constantly, yet says goodbye to daily. It's super adorable.

And Stella. Oh, my sweet little baby "La." She's so squishy and cuddly. She's a total mommy's girl. It makes me feel like I'm on a cloud. I can't leave the room or turn away from her without her whining. I tried laying her down in her crib last night and she winced the second I walked away. I'm a caver. I picked her right back up, held her tight, and she molded her body to mine. Pure love!! She's always happy, says "baba, nana, dada, mama, fafa," and loves sweet potatoes and rice cereal. She bounces when she's excited too. I have no idea where she gets that from...