I suppose everyone is unhappy with certain circumstances in their life. I suppose everyone feels overwhelmed, unloved, mistreated, used, unhealthy, and ruined. Lately though, I suppose I've been feeling all of the above more often than I normally do.
I wake up, I look at the clock, I calculate how much longer I can sleep for. I look over at the guy sleeping next to me and I feel nothing. What I think is a totally different subject. I think things like, "stop snoring, dear God your breath smells like dead animals, why did I do this, and you're not even tolerable when you're sleeping." Then I fall back asleep until my alarm goes off again, and when it does, you better believe I look over at the guy sleeping next to me and my mind races again. I get up for the day, I wake my two older children up, I shower, while in the shower I hope to myself that he woke up and is getting the babies ready for me to take them to school. When I get out of the shower I am mad because my 11 year old is watching tv while my 10 year old is laying face down in her bed. She is not a morning person and neither am I so I can't be that mad right? But then I think, "we dislike in others what we dislike in ourselves," and then I get mad at myself for being 30 and still unable to get up for the day. It is now 7:52 and the babies are not awake. I am dressed but I need to dry my hair and put on make up. I hate putting on make up because I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror. I'm ugly. My skin is horrid. I have celiac disease and acne scars and boy, does it show on my face. A resident I work for once said, "if you are sick your skin is too," and I'm just sick of being sick. I'm sick of being sick and having no one to take care of me. No one helps me with anything. That guy is still sleeping in my bed and if he has it his way, I will live every day of my life "in a relationship" on paper, but living as a single mom in reality. I'm tired of doing everything myself. He says, "I can't do anything I work 6 days a week." Six days a week and our phones are always shut off and our rent is always late because he doesn't have is half which is $350. If you're working six days a week and can't come up with about $500 a month for rent and a phone bill you're obviously doing something wrong. I pay for everything else. I need a new car. Mine is about to go. My credit is shot. In my early 20's I must've thought I was Paris Hilton the way I ran up my credit cards. My brain isn't being very nice today and I need a nap. It's now 8:06 and I'm about to start drying my hair but before I do, I make sure the older two kids get the two younger kids ready. This takes much prodding because they want to be 10 and 11. Typical. So now it's 8:15, they're arguing over who's going to put the baby in her carseat, and I'm wondering why this guy couldn't just wake up and get his kids ready. If I wake him up he gives me an attitude that's about as tolerable as wiping my butthole with sandpaper and a tattoo gun. Simultaneously. And I just can't take it. Sigh. I don't want to go to work today. I don't want to go to work today. Why didn't I pick a guy who worked hard so I didn't have to? Oh, that's right. Because I had no self esteem. Well, I have one now, can I please have someone who will take care of us and who I can take care of, too? Why am I talking to myself. No one is listening. It is now 8:35 and I'm finally walking out the door with my kids. I reverse, back in to that guy's, (who's in my bed) truck because he didn't pull up into his spot far enough and I think, "this dude can't even park right," and just continue to reverse while scraping the side of my car. I don't even care. My car might not make it to work anyway and I'm late.
I could go on about the rest of my day, but I'm sure that jumping on a trampoline covered in broken glass would be more fun than reading my bitching. So I'll just end this with two things: I removed my iud today all by myself because the symptoms mirroring lupus have got to go, and every day I hope I don't have to wait until I'm 60 and that guy dies to be happy.
