Questions to Judge Your Relationship

Is your boyfriend often indifferent to your activities, interests, ideas, feelings, or problems?
Yes.  He is completely dismissive of these things unless he agrees with them.
Does he compromise in little things, such as where to go or what to do?
No.  If I'm uncomfortable somewhere he tells me to leave.
Is he selfish?
Yes.  Currently, he does not ask about my pregnancy because "it has nothing to do with" him.
Have you often been very disappointed, hurt, or upset by him?
I've never been so disappointed, hurt, or upset by anyone else in my life.  I spend a good majority of my days feeling regret over ever being with him and then I feel guilty because I don't regret Silas.
Do you often feel manipulated?
I NEVER get to do what I want or what's best for me when he's around, so yes.
Can he admit to making mistakes and apologize?
He's never admitted a mistake.  He's apologized on 4 separate occasions, each time saying, "I'm sorry for whatever it is I contributed to us fighting."  He never owns anything or seems to know what it is he did wrong.
Can he forgive you?
No.  Absolutely not.
How does he treat you when:
He feels angry?
When he's angry he uses his time with Silas to verbally assault me through text/email.  He's also had Silas dedicated behind my back, kept him illegally, (due to our court order) for an entire weekend while I was nursing, and taken him to the ER claiming Silas was suffering from an overdose, (although he was not currently taking any medication) to try and get Silas taken away from me.  He intimidates me and embarrasses me online and talks to me like an idiot in public.  He makes up stories about me to authorities and mutual friends to get people against me or get me in trouble.
Things go wrong?
See above paragraph.
You have many problems?
He withdraws.
When you feel upset or depressed?
He yells or laughs at me and then withdraws.
Does he show patience in anger? Hit walls, throw or break objects, or hurt animals in anger?
He pushes me, throws his hands in the air, and yells, "get your hands off of me!!"
Does he become angry frequently or unnecessarily?
Anytime I show emotion he loses control.
Is his anger sometimes very intense?
He threatened my life on a public forum so I stayed at my friend's house overnight, so I'd say yes.
How does he treat other people when he feels angry?
He yells at and insults them, then shuts them out of his life until they come to him.
Has he threatened, intimidated, or hit you or anyone else?
All of the above.
Can you spontaneously say what you feel, or do certain topics result in bad feelings or trouble?
I walk on eggshells and if I don't it's a disaster.
Is he open to your expressing your needs in the relationship, or occasionally unwilling to listen and discuss things?
He criticizes me if I have needs.
Can you discuss and resolve problems and sensitive issues?
I don't bother because he'll just blow up and blame me for everything.
Do you both compromise or does he always dominate and you give in?
I give in to keep the peace.
Do you trust him?
NO
Is he honest and dependable?
NO
Have there been many lies or deceptions by not telling the whole truth?
YES
Do you feel comfortable and relaxed when you are together?
I feel ugly, incompetent, scared, and stupid.
Can you enjoy yourself and have fun?
No.  One wrong move and he'll call the cops with some random and ridiculous story.
Does he show good judgment that considers the future consequences of his actions on both of you?
He doesn't ever plan for the future.
Does he have an alcohol or drug problem?
I've been told he is an alcoholic by a few alcoholics.
Do you respect each other’s values and goals?
I respect his.
Does he bring out the best in you or does he bring out negative things?
He brings out nothing in me.  I've learned to act like a robot around him.
Does this contribute to your problems, such as depression or low self-esteem?
My self esteem has been replaced by anxiety.  Some days I don't even want to leave my house because I have developed such a complex.
Are you both proud to be seen together?
No.  I immediately feel negatively judged because of all the horrible things he tells people about me.

In this moment I am happy and I don't wish you were here.

10th birthday success!!!  He got everything he wanted...bowling on Friday, basketball game Saturday, family party on Sunday, and the lego batcave. 

I did not get the job on Thursday.  They called me this a.m. and said, "good luck with your, um, uh, situation."  They couldn't stop looking at my stomach while I was training so I'm guessing that's what they consider my "situation."  I don't even care and was actually relieved.  I decided an hour and a half into training that I'm not serving for a long time...if ever again.  There's not even a word that describes how much I hate it.  And why am I serving with a medical assisting degree and cosmetology license??  

My ex keeps asking, "what are you going to do?"  I believe he's suggesting I take him back and tolerate his bipolar O.C.D. bullshit and I say fuck that.  Over the weekend I learned of ANOTHER girl who lives an hour away that he's been texting/hanging out with and has the entire time I was with him.  The things you can find out with a few clicks on facebook is unbelievable.  Of course, he tried to deny it even after I showed him what I found.  Stuttering, and making up the most ridiculous excuses I've ever heard, like always.  I explained to him that I wasn't showing him because I care, I was showing him so that he knows that I know, so there's really nothing to lie about anymore.  There's no feelings left on my end and I don't care.  For whatever reason, he can't grasp that and still continues to lie.  I don't even care if he lies anymore.  I'm done.  I love being alone.  I also love the fact that one day, when I'm not pregnant or nursing, I can date.  I'm excited about it.  I have interests, I grew up, I'm not intimidated by "good" people, I've embraced that I'm a huge nerd, am pretty socially awkward, am super quiet, and I don't want any kind of future with a bad boy whatsoever.  I've lost 95% of my codependency issues, I have no desire to "fix" people anymore, I'm ok with that if I'm going to be with someone it needs to be with a person who pays a lot of attention to me and dazzles my reputation in public rather than destroys me.  The core of me IS mildly selfish and I'd rather embrace THAT than hide it by being in relationships where I have to take care of the other person as if I'm their parent.  Gross.

And after this blog, I'm never swearing again.  I don't know where that came from, but it's so uneducated, and it reminds me of every trashbag I've ever dated.

Eeny meeny miney moe...

I can't make decisions.  I can't remember anything.  I daze in and out of reality.  Pregnancy brain is gross.

Speaking of pregnancy, is everyone pregnant?  I went to the park today and 4 women there were pregnant.  Then I went to Target and counted 7 women.  What is going on?

I want everything to be pink.  Purses, blogs, shower curtains, bed sheets, clothes, socks, shoes, bras...and I don't even normally like pink.  Eew.

I start a new job tomorrow, "if I like it."  What's different about serving here than at any other place I've served at I wonder?  I hope they don't mind that I'm pregnant.  I'm nervous they're going to fire me after a month due to my "performance" when they really just don't want a pregnant girl running around.  People do that junk and then I wouldn't be able to collect unemployment.  Then I'd have to be homeless.  I don't want to be homeless.

I feel like dumb and dumber right now.  I have to go puke and go to bed.

Something tells me I'm into something good.

I got an ide-er!

If I don't get a job this week, I'm going to file for unemployment.  Live off that and the rest of my tax return until after I have the baby.  I'm pretty sure it would last me until October...and then I could start nursing school and work on the weekends!!!

Why?  Why the heck not?  What's going back to school one more time going to do for me that the last two didn't do for me?  Give me a career!!!  Heck yes I'll take a career over serving until I'm 87 any day.  By the time I'd finish my degree my kids would be 13, 12, 4, and 2.  Perfect timing for cars, college, and (Dear God I hope not) teenage pregnancy.  Crap.  I hope my kids grow up and get a career BEFORE becoming parents but somehow I don't think I'm emotional enough on the outside for them to know how much I struggle.

I'm done whining about my ex.  He is what he is, and I don't ever have to be apart of it again.  That makes me happy.  It makes me happy to know I'm still a tuff kid and he didn't ruin me.

His mom should've taught him that though.  My mom did.  Thank God.

And this baby's getting MY last name, dammit.  I said so.  I'm not playing chicken this time.  I've got names too:

1.  Stella (this is what the kids call her)
2.  Magdalyn
3.  Maris
4.  Aubrey
5.  Reese
6.  Scarlet (if she's a redhead)
7.  Sarah
8.  Allison
9.  Lucy
10. Adrianne

I don't really like any names...it's more like what I can tolerate...hmmmm...

Some days I don't know why I have ANY faith.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!  I couldn't really care less that today is St. Patrick's Day.  I'm only Irish because I'm carrying around a little Irish girl for the next 19 weeks.  My kids are with their dads today and I am still in my pajamas at 2:13p.m.

I'm sick.  As usual.  I've had bronchitits for 3.5 weeks.  I coughed so hard last night I threw up for 2 hours.  Silas had diarrhea all night which is super awesome to change in a half lit bedroom.

I'm jobless.  No one in the world wants to hire a pregnant girl.  They don't actually SAY that, but I'm pretty amazing when it comes to working and I don't know who WOULDN'T want to hire me.  Employers act like pregnancy is a handicap.  I have no way to pay my rent or bills.  So far, all I can think to do is put all my stuff in storage and live out of my car or go stay in a shelter.  I'm literally out of options and my brain is drained.

Everything always works out, but I don't want to rely on anyone and I don't have anyone to rely on anyway.  I just want a job.  I'm not asking for much.  I'm not asking for someone to love me, or take care of me, or make this pregnancy the one I've never had, I just need a job.

I went to the ultrasound apt on Tuesday, (alone) and found out that baby's "absolutely perfect."  I still cried.  I can't stand how horrible I'm treated while carrying this "perfect" little creature.  People are fucking stupid, have no priorities, and take everything for granted.  By people, I mean my ex, and every other deadbeat douchebag who doesn't give a shit about anyone but themselves.

I'm annoyed now.  Even more so than I was before.  It's nap time.  Again.

It even hurts when I hold my breath.

The past 3 days have hurt me beyond words. I am strangely trying to feel the pain, rather than push it away, so that I can remember how it feels, and so I stop repeating my mistakes.
He tried to move back in with me for 6 months. Every month I said no. Every month I opened up and revealed another reason why I couldn't allow it.  And every month, regarding how much he told me he wanted to be a family, he broke up with me, belittled me, embarrassed me, and broke me down. And what happened? I really needed him. I lost my job, I'm struggling through a high risk pregnancy, my immune system despises me lately so I thought, "maybe this is God's way of telling me I need to let go and trust my ex." So I did. I allowed him to begin moving in. I begin spending money on things I needed but haven't had the money to buy due to one income. And what happens? His "good friend" dies and within 4 days his behavior towards the "family" turns cold. He turns his back on my kids because he couldn't figure out which one of them ate his reese cup. He tells them he can't live here because theyre liars. He becomes infuriated with me because I had bronchitis and was unable to make him dinner. He spends the night at his moms, "doing laundry." He attends a funeral and when I ask to go along with him, he refuses. And he refused because of his ex.

After I told him his behavior was unacceptable and that grieving is no excuse to rekindle old flames, he put two status updates about me on facebook. This couldn't be more painful to me. Why? He carries a gun and mirrors Drew Peterson. It terrifies me to have someone use my whole name, making horrible and false accusations about me, putting pregnant me and my kids in danger, and then watching onlookers diagnose me, encourage him, and call him a good dad. More than a dozen people on his page prove to be as jacked up as he is and what any or all of them could do to me and my kids scares the life out of me.
What good dad endangers their infant and unborn child on a social networking site? What good dad claims their pregnant ex needs to be disposed of? What good dad calls someone trashy, a hussy, a psycho, white trash, a cunt, etc.? He's displaying the behaviors he claims I am. And no one notices. I actually feel embarrassed for him and even more embarrassed for his "friends" who participate in this. They should all be ashamed. Anyone who was his real friend would remind him that his behavior on facebook last year this time is why he has such limited visitation. Good job, "good dad."

Good job. And real good job choosing to use your exes grieving period to weasel your way back into her life...choosing her over "being the family" you wanted for 6 months...choosing her over being involved in the pregnancy and the birth of your own daughter. Good job. His ex is so important to him that he had to rip me apart online because I defended the family he led me to believe we were.

It's just fuckin sick. I filed a police report yesterday a.m. and kept my kids home from school today because I am/was too scared.  And I don't know what to do anymore.

This is how a heart breaks.

His friend died and I wasn't informed of the funeral. He explained that it was because I've been mean to him the past few days. That didn't make any sense and then I remembered...his ex will be there. She's his one that got away. I casually asked if I wasn't invited because of her and he claimed I was being juvenile. Later on I checked his facebook and found out that shes been liking and commenting on all his updates since the day after their friend died. So...now hes using his friends death as a way to hang out with her. I took it upon myself to message her on facebook explaining how bizarre and inappropriate their rekindled "friendship" is and 5 minutes later, I received a voicemail saying, "We're grieving together and youre sending messages about..." I just hit 7. Seriously? This ex caused me problems from jump, like I deserved for causing Lacey problems, but he defends her to the end. It's absolutely gut wrenching. I've carried this guy's kids and he is all about his ex.

All the hooks in the bathroom won't hook you.

When I love someone I pour my whole self into them, their needs, their wants, their life. I accommodate my house to their personal belongings,  I fill my cupboards with food they like, I refill their maintenance supplies without being asked. I dote. I do their laundry, clean up after them, give them rides. I admire. I like skin to skin.

What about me? What about my needs or wants? Why don't I matter? And when I ask, I'm selfish, and when I cry, I'm a miserable person, and when I'm not included in their life, it's because of my behavior. What behavior? I have never had a problem admitting fault but I didn't do anything wrong.
I envision myself being happy and taken care of. Truly loved and adored even. I fantasize about it. Sometimes I feel it right at the moment I'm thinking about it. But no ones doing it. It's just something I do to keep me alive.

I just want the person who notices the little things and appreciates them. I want to be needed, not used. I want to be sheltered, not hidden. And I want someone who sees all the hooks and is thankful I thought of them.