Suck it in and smile big.

There is not enough mommy to go around.  Stella is now 3 months old and I haven't found time for much of anything besides working, cleaning, cooking, helping the kids with their homework, and playing with the babies.  Silas is watching Cars 2 while Stella is having tummy time.  She's made a half circle so far on her play mat and she's talking to a lion rattle.  Silas keeps putting his head on her butt while saying, "aaaww."  I love them together.  I'm so happy I got to have another one so Silas won't be alone.  Christopher and Kelsey have an amazing bond and I hope Silas and Stella have the same.  Siblings intrigue me, I suppose it's because I don't have any.

Silas has been playing copy cat with everyone around him so no swearing!!!  One day he said, "my da go bye bye why car!"  Another day he said, "why my da go bye bye ma?"  Last week he jumped on my bed while Stella was kicking around and he scared her.  She started crying and he asked me, "she o...k?"  A few weeks ago I put his fuzzy fleece car pajamas on him, stood him in front of the mirror, and watched him pet the car on his tummy while saying, "I Q!!!!" (cute).  He's SO cute!!!  When I return home from work he runs at me full force screaming, "mamamamamamamamamamama!!!"  That's probably one of the best feelings ever.

I started working when Stella was 7 weeks old.  I kept praying for a job that I would want as a career and I think I've got it.  I only work 2 days a week right now, but clientele is building up quickly, so I think I'll be working more soon.  The money I make is good for only being there two days a week.  I can at least cover my rent with it.  I'm a stylist in a nursing home and I have never loved doing anything more.  All the staff is super nice and the residents, even the crotchety ones, really like me.  They like that I'm soft spoken, light handed, and quirky.  I like feeling like I have a purpose at work other than to bring someone their food, drinks, and hear their stupid jokes that make me want to punch them in the chode.

Let's see, what else has been going on?  Stella was dedicated on September 16, the ex was in court and evicted out of his mom's house a few weeks ago, now lives in Parma and comes around maybe once a week, Christopher is playing the flute in band, (don't laugh) I requested Kelsey to be tested through the board of education for a learning disability, (because I've thought she's had one since first grade but her teachers kept telling me she would outgrow it...what the heck ever that means) and I made some totally cool chore charts that are really helping my kids stay on track.

Baby's crying, gotta go.

Sometimes my life hurts my feelings.

Feelings are like hemorrhoids.  All my insides are hanging out.  And the second they're exposed I begin to wonder how they got there...how I got into the situation I'm in that led me here...and how I got into the situation that led me to the previous one...all the while my insides are hanging out and I'm wondering how to put them back in where they're supposed to go without damaging anything around them.

If you've never met someone who seems to be BPD don't do it.  And if you've never had children with someone with this personality disorder don't do that either.  It's one of those situations that nags at me constantly...what was I thinking...what if my kids have this disorder...am I going to be weighed down by these perceived "issues", made up by the infected, that aren't even realistic...for the rest of my life?

Because if I live to be 100 that's a long time.  And I don't know if I can subject my brain to this for 71 more years.  I have to do the robot every day in order for it not to effect me.  But at night when I'm alone and disconnected it effects me and I feel sad for me and these kids.

Four's a lot.  I don't feel like Supermom anymore.  I feel super fucked up.  And already I can't find a job that fits into the schedule where I have a sitter.

I'm sick of crying.

Stella smiled at me.  She laughs too.

I have really cute kids.

I've got the blues.

I don't have time to feel like this, I've got too many kids.  But I feel it alright.  There isn't a room in my house unoccupied by a child so I went in the basement while having a meltdown.  And I melted down right into a laundry basket with clothes in it.  Then I opened the dryer and contemplated hiding in it...then laughed at myself because...I just had baby #4 and I'm so small I could fit in a dryer...what the??  I'm hurting.  I forgot how hard it was to just give birth to a baby and watch your ex move on less than a week after.  And this one rubs it in my face...well that and not wanting to be a dad anymore and blaming THAT on me too.

Every little thing is weighing me down.  Even the lady at the WIC office made me cry because she asked, "what do you mean you don't have anyone who supports your decision to nurse?"  Like, hey lady, this is my 4th kid, no one's fucking happy about that - do you think they give a shit about how it's going to eat?  Instead, I just looked at her and smiled because that's what I do.

Stupid hormones.  Just fucking stupid.  So is swearing.

"Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?" ~Rose Kennedy

A star is born!

I am officially a single mother of 4.  FOUR!!!!  Holy moly.  On July 18, on my way out to eat with my bff Meghan, her daughter, and Silas, (Chris and Kelsey were at summer camp for the week) the increasing pain in my butt hole caused me to call my doctor, who told me to come on in so he could check me out, and I was 3cm dilated, 80% effaced, and my contractions were 3 minutes apart.  Here's the stupid part.  Since he wasn't on call, he sent me home and told me to come back to the hospital around 8p.m. if I was still feeling uncomfortable.  So, we went to Bob Evans and then went to Babies R Us because I had a gift card to spend...and I didn't have any diapers for the new baby.  While we were out I used the restroom only to find that I was bleeding.  Everywhere.  I paid for the diapers, we dropped off Meghan's daughter at a sitter, stopped at my house so I could pack a bag, and drove to the hospital while my ex harassed me through text/my ex's mom comforted me through text.  Radness all around.

We arrived at the hospital around 7:45p.m., I was already checked in, a nurse, (the nicest nurse EVER, Faye) wheeled me upstairs, and gowned and monitored me up.  I was ready to go.  The pressure on my butt hole was ridiculous and all I kept saying was, "my butt hole's going to fly off."  The on call doctor came in, who didn't want to deliver anyone who wasn't her patient, and was a complete and total brat.  She checked my cervix and the monitor, said my cervix was the same as it was at my Dr.'s office, and that my contractions were probably being caused by a U.T.I. so they collected a urine sample.  She wanted to send me home but I refused to leave.  Jerks.  Since when do U.T.I.'s make you feel like you have to push a baby out of your foof?  IDIOTS!  While they were waiting for lab results I walked some laps around the hallway and drank some water, laid back down an hour later, and had my cervix checked again.  4cm dilated 100% effaced.  I was beyond ready for them to give me an epidural and break my water so I could get the show on the road. BUT the anesthesiologist was in an emergency appendectomy by this time and was unable to leave the surgery until it was complete.  The nurse and doctor told me this while my arm was being poked and prodded with needles to blow my veins...I mean...to start my I.V. so I just started to sob.  I've never cried during labor, but I've also never had pain in so many areas of my body at one time.  On top of the letdown that I couldn't receive an epidural at that time they told me that I'd have to wait at least 4 hours to have her because I was group B strep positive, as I was with my other daughter...weird, and they needed to administer I.V. antibiotics during that time period.  I was super thrilled with my awesome experience by this point but I'm not much of a complainer so Meghan got an attitude with the nurse and the doctor.  Magically, I received a shot of nubain and less than a half hour later I got an epidural!!  When I was in labor with Silas I got to 7cm dilated without an epidural but this labor was way more horrendous.  Butt hole pressure is so scary that I had my butt cheeks smooshed together the entire time because I literally believed she would fly right out.  After the epidural I was in heaven.  I dozed in an out for awhile until the nurse checked me and told me it was time to push.  I pushed through 1.5 contractions and she was out!!

Miss Stella Kathleen aka Stella Kat

7lbs 10oz 19.5"

7/19/2012 @ 5:35 a.m.

Since I am not the jerk I wish I still was, my ex was present and she has her brother's last name because I didn't want him to be an outcast.  The ex is now refusing to be in their lives, only held his daughter twice, has never changed her diaper, and tried to ban his mother from seeing the babies.  My heart hurts.  A lot.  And he's now seeing someone who has kids but it would ultimately the absolute best thing if he didn't have anything to do with them.  They're unbelievably wonderful.  Stella Kat is the sweetest baby girl.  Her cord fell off today so she showered with me and she was in love with the shower.  That's my girl!!

Her first week home:

I'm starting to question whether or not there really is enough mommy to go around.  I have 4 kids!!!

Oh baby, you're not really a baby anymore.

Silas said, "I love you" to me last night!!!  Perfect.  He's been, "lo-law-low-ing" for the past 3 days and he turned it into I love you.  So precious!

The kids and I went out to eat with my mom last night.  Silas fell asleep in the car on the way to the restaurant at 5p.m. on the dot like usual and when we arrived he woke up and was a super sweetheart.  He was quiet...he's NEVER quiet!  He usually screams in delight with his arms above his head everywhere we go.  It's awesome and cracks me up constantly.  I've never had such a happy kid.  He babbled to my mom in an indoor voice, ate all Christopher's fruit cup and all 3 pieces of my sausage links, and drank his entire chocolate milk.  After dinner we went to the fabric store where Silas shrieked with excitement for about 20 minutes while my mom and I picked out fabric for curtains in my bedroom.  Oh boy, it's a pretty obnoxious pattern, but I'm excited!  My mom took Chris and Kelsey to her house with her while I took Silas to Hallmark for his baby sister's 1 year calendar and to Walmart so I could get a can of paint replaced.  He was such a good boy in both stores, babbling to everyone, waving bye bye, and only occasionally trying to bite and lick me, (sometimes he thinks he's a puppy - no joke) which was a plus for my hands and wrists.

Monday night I caught Silas in Kelsey's room brushing Barbie's hair with a Barbie brush.  He's getting ready to have a baby sister!!  Also that night I caught Stella Kat's foot through my stomach.  I did that with Silas when I was only about 18 weeks along with him.  It's the coolest thing in the world, one of those memories that always bring me back to the exact excitement I felt at the time I made the memory.

I love, love, love having a toddler.  I forgot how much I love this phase.  They're so weird, quirky, and lovey dovey...just like me!!!  I am so pumped about this new baby!!!  I had contractions 10 minutes apart last night for 2 hours until I fell asleep.  Hopefully, she'll be here soon!  

I may not have the best of everything. But that's just your opinion.

Thank God it's not 98 degrees today.  The heat makes me throw up spontaneously.  I have central air, another thing to be thankful for, but after it gets to a certain temperature outside c/a doesn't do much of anything.  Today was different.  Phew!  I was able to stay outside with the kids all day.  All I ever want to be is a stay at home mom.  I love cooking and cleaning and laundry and crafting.  I love that everyday I find another small project to complete.  With 3 kids I've compiled an enormous list of small projects.  I could keep myself busy for years.  I love listening to my kids' weird conversations and watching them play together.  It's gotta be one of the coolest things in the world to have siblings.

Silas makes a new sound every few hours.  I sometimes wish he'd put them all together and say what he wants instead of having mini meltdowns when he gets frustrated but I find myself loving, maybe a little too much, that he's still such a baby in some ways.  

He can say:  Ya, no, baba, momma, uh oh, oh, oh no, wow, thee kee (thank you), issy (sissy), bye, mmmnumanumanuma (he wants food)

He still wakes up for a ba at 5a.m. like clockwork.  He's been sleeping in his toddler bed...most of the time...but he often wakes up, runs down the hall to my room, and says, "momma iwa up up!"  I can't resist that!  He's my buddy.  I have a bond with him I've never had with my older two because they had each other.  I'm hoping he'll still be my buddy when Stella Kat arrives.  Right now he's not too fond of her...he yells "no" at my belly when he sees it.  Adorable!

I got bored with facebook so I deleted it last week.  Any way to keep my life mine is wonderful and gives me so much energy for productive experiences.  Plus, I'm just bored in general with social networking.  I'd rather get together with people in person than only online.  All in all I'm happy.  I went to the doctor last week and I'm 1cm dilated and 50% effaced.  He wants to induce me on 7/21 so Silas and Stella don't have the same birthday but I figure if I get to the 21st and she's still in there, let's see when she comes out on her own.  It no longer bothers me if they have the same birthday.  I can prepare a huge birthday bash just fine.

Yawn!  Nap time.

Day 10 minus the minus: I'm over it.

I don't feel like counting the days without him anymore.  I can't believe it's only been 10.  It feels like it's been 5 years.  It's so refreshing and relaxing I never thought a life like this would be mine.  I'm so thankful everyday.  Breathing isn't a forced effort anymore.

He tried to start drama with me this a.m. over the delivery and birth certificate, calling me cruel, lazy, worthless, sneaky and shady, you know, all the things that would make me change my mind about him being in the delivery room.  Genius.  I just don't even care.  I can't get back the 18 months of my life I harbored his children and he treated me like a whore and I'm done justifying it to him.  He can say whatever he wants just as long as he stays away from me.

This book saved my life.  It changed my perspective and helped me remove my emotions from the situation and see this guy for what he really is.  What a blessing.

I don't think I need to talk about it anymore.  It's a waste of time.  If something detrimental happens and I need to document it for personal/court reasons, I obviously will, but there's no point in giving him anymore than I already have.

My daughter turned 9 on the 26th.  Time goes soooooooooo fast, I just can't believe how big she is.  She's about a foot shorter than me and is wearing a size 3 in shoes.  I'm 5'5" and wear a size 6.5...Crazy!!!

This year's going to be a better one for all of us. 

Day 7 minus feeding into the bullshit: Hot damn, I'm awesome.

Last night my ex said he was going to wake up early today and come pick up the baby for a few hours before he had to work at 4p.m.  I told him we'd be up by 8a.m. and he could come any time after that.  5:45p.m. today rolled around and I received a text.  "How is Silas feeling?"  Silas was sick all day Saturday, Saturday night, and all day Sunday.  He had a fever and couldn't stop throwing up.  It's pretty exhausting to be pregnant with a sick baby.  I forgot about that.  It's been 9 years since my last round of babies.  I kept the conversation on Silas and asked why he didn't show.  He said that he didn't wake up in time.  Must've been another long night of peeing in bus stops and prancing around wasted with unicorns painted on our heads...kept my thoughts to myself and told him I needed a new car seat and playpen for Stella.  I said it would be really cool if he could contribute something towards her and that I'd greatly appreciate it.  His response?  "That sucks.  Why don't you ask your facebook friends for child support to get that stuff?"

Another display of awesomeness from the "conservative Christian amazing father" whose mother pays his child support...which they're 3 months late on...but anyway...

I didn't respond.  He's baiting me.  If he can suck me back in emotionally he can drain me until I break and he ends up manipulating me back into the relationship.  Eff that.  I've got the game he plays all figured out.  I'm a ex-blind expert at it.

I realized today that I didn't receive child support from my ex husband, or ANY support from him, for 7 years and it didn't bother me one bit.  Why not?  Because he was proud he didn't pay child support.  He "had alcohol to buy."  He never said he was a great dad, never pretended to be one, never made himself out to be anything, and I've gotta be real  honest...I respect that.  At least he knew he wasn't the better parent and stepped out.  And because of that I've never been angry with him over anything.  It's so much easier to accept a person when you know, and when they admit what they are, or aren't.

This time around with my ex boyfriend is obviously so filled with challenges, one of them learning to be ok without receiving physical or financial help from a guy who tells everyone he goes above and beyond to be a wonderful dad.  And on days he's not being a good dad he's telling everyone around him that it's my fault or his mother's fault that he can't be a good dad.

Other than all that jazz, life is good.  Silas is feeling better, I taught him to dance like a couple and he LOVES it, he's been a broken record of "uh oh" and "Nnnnnyoooo", and Kelsey's birthday is tomorrow.

They just keep growing up...

Day 5 minus antics: Life is flippin' good!

Silas threw up and had a fever about 20 minutes before we had to leave to meet my mom at breakfast for Kelsey's birthday, gave him some motrin, cleaned him up, and went out to eat.  He ate bacon, toast, drank water, and was happy as could be.  Poor thing.  He's one tough kid.

My mom bought a new house a few weeks ago and the kids have been bugging her to see it so we went over there for a few hours.  Kelsey got her birthday present 3 days early and all the kids are obsessed with it.  I think Silas views this bear as his new girlfriend.

We went home so we could all take naps but Silas just cried for an hour straight and then his fever returned. I suck with sick kids.  I become so anxiety ridden where fevers are concerned because my niece had a high fever before she died.  Ack.  It makes me sick to my stomach to write about her dying.  I'm just a nervous wreck.  I'm exhausted but refusing to sleep.  It's easier just to stay up and watch him.

I received a text today that I could've turned into complete drama but decided that moving on is being done.

"Did you really delete all my Mit Romney pictures?"

"They're backed up on my Carbonite."

"Can you send them to me when you have a second?"

Silence.  I wanted to say, "I deleted them because you deleted all of Silas' videos."  I wanted to say, "If I'm in no position to ask you for favors then you're in no position to ask me for favors."  I wanted to say, "Maybe someday."  I wanted to say, "I think harboring your children for a year and a half without an ounce of help from you was enough."  I wanted to say, "Are you crazy?"  So, I said nothing.  And I decided that as angry as I become when he baits me, because EVERY time he asks me for something he has the opportunity to bait me, I won't respond.  Ultimately, I know all the answers to the questions I wanted to reply with, I don't need to give him the opportunity to blame me for his actions which is exactly what I'd be doing by giving him a response.  You can show someone who you are until you don't know who you are anymore and losing yourself will never be enough for them.  

And with that, I wish you all a wonderful night.  I'm going to lay with babycakes.

Day 4 minus confusion: Oh the places we will go.

My oldest and I are sunburned a bit and, holy poop, it's uncomfortable to be burnt and pregnant!  My skin hates me during pregnancy anyway and now it REALLY hates me.  It's dry, stingy, and itchy.  Yum.

It was a great day though.  I find so much enjoyment in my children.  Everything about them makes me happy.  I hope that when I go back to work I find a job that's pretty flexible so I can be around them as much as possible.  I LOVE spending time with them more than anything in the world.  We went out to breakfast in Port Clinton and then to East Harbor beach.  Super long drive when you're antsy like me and forgot babycake's binky but we needed to get out of the house and far away from it.

I just adore these babies so much.  Getting out of the dramatic relationship makes me feel like me again.  I love to just sit back, relax, and take comfort in the little things.  It's just how I am.  "A pothead who doesn't smoke pot."

As pumped as I am to have this baby I'm not ready to deliver yet!  My body's behaving otherwise.  For the past few hours, it's been pretty difficult to walk.  There's so much pressure in my pelvis and I'd like it to stop!

35 weeks <3

Day 1 minus pain: Happy Belated Father's Day

Everything my dad taught me not to be, he is, and so is every douchebag I've ever dated.  Lazy, controlling, a drunk, mentally abusive, disgusted by lazy people, racist, narcissistic, angry, thoughtless, and cheap.  The great thing about it is that I'm not any of these things, but the older I become the less I can tolerate these behaviors.  Actually, I can't tolerate them at all anymore.  I hear my dad's voice saying, "these people treat you like garbage.  They're complete garbage.  That guy's self centered and worthless.  He's 34 years old, can't hold a job, doesn't have a car or his own place, he's fat and lazy, lives off his mom, and pulls the 'feel sorry for me I didn't have a dad' act."  My dad's dad left him and his four younger brothers 28 years ago and he still holds a grudge about it because his dad took all his younger brothers money from their bank accounts.  My dad drinks everyday, he wouldn't call to check on me if I was quadriplegic, if anyone has a problem he says they did it to themselves, he took all my money out of my savings and spent it on his mail order bride, he can't even figure out how to fill a nail hole in the wall, but he'll save hundreds of blue bags filled with recyclables in his garage for the extra change.  Over the past year I've had zero relationship with my dad and for whatever reason, that's helped me a lot with letting go of guys who are wrong for me.  So, thanks dad for not being there for me.  Ever.  You've made me a great mom and over the next few years I'll move on with my life and find a guy who is good to me because I'm done dating guys like you.

This was me a year ago.

I'm not "there" anymore.

For the past 34 hours I've been feeling like this is too good to be true.  He's gone.  He moved out.  Although he's still saying that my landlord needs to evict him, (control issue) he doesn't.  The landlord evicted him in November 2010 and therefore him being here is trespassing.  The criminal kind.  There's probably been about a 30min total where I've felt...I don't know...hurt?  Sad?  I am human, it would be weird if I didn't feel any negative emotion over this, or would it?

I feel:  used, betrayed, controlled, manipulated, disgusted, dirty, embarrassed, sad for Silas and Stella, worried that they'll be utterly damaged by their dad, ugly, below average, rejected, and stupid.


And although I feel all these things, something inside me has changed and I feel too strong to let my feelings control me.  Almost like I acknowledge that they're there but they don't define me.  I've never been able to really do this before.  Usually, a break up defines me...if I truly loved the person...and it takes a very long time to run it's course through me.  This time that's not happening because I know all the anxiety, stress, pain, drama, and depression I went through was ultimately something I went through for someone else.  I kept thinking that the more I took, the more he'd realize how awesome these kids and I are and he'd snap out of it.  When times were good I would hope that they'd never change and I'd tell him he was my best bud.  In past relationships I was a fuckin' jerk.  Constantly.  I thought whoever I was with needed to prove something to me.  I was young and ignorant and super insecure.  I just figured he needed persistence like I needed back then, but he's too old and too deep into it, and the extent of maliciousness he goes to is extreme.  That's the scary part.  Most people can take a step back and realize that they screwed up but he doesn't have that ability.  I learned that nothing is all I can do.  He and his mom are going to be beyond furious and over dramatic when they're not included in Stella's birth or even the signing of the birth certificate.  They're going to try to keep Silas from me, they're going to tell me what a horrible person I am, he's going to post my first and last name all over facebook, and they're going to take no responsibility for the way they've treated me and more importantly my kids.  And you know what?  Now that I know what to expect I don't care how they behave.  I know I'm making the right decisions this time.  Doing everything their way, being constantly manipulated, treating them how I wanted to be treated go me exactly where I am.  Doing it on my own for the 4th time. 


But it's better this way.  I don't have to deal with things like this anymore.

...

I'm flooded with emotions right now.  I'm so happy I don't know what to do with myself.  My ex, yes I can officially call him my ex now, moved out today, after yelling at me for 45 minutes and telling me how I was never the one for him, how's he's been miserable with me for 3 years, how he can't wait to "fuck other girls," etc., etc., etc.  The interesting thing is that he's always miserable "because of who he's dating" and as much as I pity the next girl, I look forward to the lack of drama.  And trust me, there will be an extreme lack of it once he finds someone else.  Kids are too much for him, especially his own.  Before he arrived for his things, (and of course to shower) his mom began texting me that he and I deserve each other, (she's so mad that I told her she encourages his controlling behavior by catering to it) and that she feels so sorry for her and the kids.  She fed me the perfect opportunity to shed some light on the situation.  "How could I deserve him?  I defend you when he writes status updates about you, I've done nothing but try to get you and the kids to have a relationship, yet you're the one letting a 33 year old's 'conniptions' override time spent with your grandson.  You're not the victim, but you've made the kids victims to your behavior now too."  She never responded.

The apple doesn't fall very far from the tree and as much as I used to never want to be like my parents I've learned I have some great qualities they have.  Had I embraced them sooner I wouldn't be in an abusive situation.  I'm pretty thankful right now.  He only moved out a few hours ago but the release of stress I feel is something I can't comprehend.  My kids yelled, "we got our life back!!!!!!!" when he walked out the door.  I had no idea they even felt that way.  Then they talked to me for about an hour about how he made them feel.  "He gets mad over everything, he was always yelling at you, we've known him for like two or three years and he's never tried to be nice to us, he's the only person you ever dated that didn't love us," etc., etc., etc.  I just sat there and listened.  I've been so depressed and hurt over the past 2 months from all the mental abuse that I couldn't sit there and do anything but listen.  And feel like a bag of wieners.  Kids are so forgiving because when I apologized for letting him around them they just said they loved me.

I LOVE them.  And I love that the one who's "never loved me" is gone.  I have $31 in my bank acct, no income, am 34 weeks pregnant, but I have almost 4 beyond wonderful and healthy children and that's all that matters.

...

At 4a.m. I woke up to a text from his mother stating she is not allowed to watch my kids this a.m. because he is throwing a "conniption fit."  He threatened suicide or to leave the state if she watches them this a.m.  I had somewhere important to be with a good friend and I didn't tell him where I had to go so this is how he reacts.  He claims he lives here for the kids but this is clearly not about the kids, it's about controlling my life. I text his mother back and told her he needs to get out and they can take me to court to try to modify his already very limited visitation that he has because he's mentally unstable.  Obviously, neither him nor his mother are fit to have children around for extended periods of time.  Neither of them can be the adult in the situation and she caters to a 33 year old and his temper tantrums.  It's unbelievable.  A few nights ago he posted something on his facebook status about the way he turned out being all her fault, stating she wasn't around and didn't teach him how to be a man, and that he's ruined because of her.  I defended her, and yet now I feel like she is partially to blame.  I don't know how or why you would let your grown child control you.

And then yesterday, during the process of him telling me that he cheats because I "suck in bed," he's a "status update away from porno sex," and the multiple suicide threats, I found out that he got fired from his tattooing job because he stole $400.  Amazing.


"I can still remember the first time I ever saw you.  I don't even remember the first time I saw my son's mother."

...

34 weeks today. <3

Depression is gross.  Mind games are even more gross.  Last night he said he'd move out today.  Today he took the kids for a walk.  There was no moving his stuff out.  Every night I'm stressed out because I don't know if he's coming back here or if he'll be back in a few days after painting unicorns on his head, peeing openly in bus stops, and waking up in other girls' blankets.  I'm sad, but I'm ready for change.  Change is scary, but so necessary.

I look like hell.  I'm constantly tired, my house is trashed, and I don't even care.

But I have cute kids!!

...

I feel completely defeated right now.  Drained, depressed, alone, irritated, and exhausted.  Every day is an aggravation because he refuses to leave.  If he's in the bathroom and I'm trying to tell him something he locks the door which means I'm supposed to stop talking.  If I put one of his belongings in his safe he takes it out and sets it on my dresser.  When he eats he leaves his dishes and cups/drink cans on my dresser.  He lays in the middle of the bed so I don't have any room.  He doesn't shower when he comes home from work and the smell of his feet/spilled alcohol/cigarettes nauseates me so I have to wash the sheets every day.  Yesterday I started washing all of the baby's big stuff, (car seat cover, swing cushion, bath seat) and I asked him if he could bring the swing up from the basement so I could wash it off.  He looked at me like I had 16 heads and said, "you're in no position to ask me for favors."  So what is it that happened this week that has him pushed over the edge?  On Monday night he left his email acct open on my computer so I read it.  Why?  Because he goes through everything of mine, he deletes pics off of my computer of my friends he doesn't like, and every time he goes online he hovers over the keyboard so no one can see what he's typing.  When my kids ask him why he does this he tells them it's because he can't trust us.  In his sent box he had 5 messages to personal ads on craigslist from March 29 beginning at 3:10a.m.  I was hurt.  I sat and sobbed for hours.  I haven't cried like that in awhile.  What hurts is that he's so selfish he would be with other people while I'm pregnant.  That's so disgusting to me that I don't even have words for it.  I guess I feel like my daughter and I are covered in other girls' vaginas.  I decided that there was no point in mentioning it because I'm done.  Tuesday I had the flu, and Wednesday I had an ob/gyn appt in the a.m. so I rolled out of bed and snuck out of the house while everyone was sleeping.  My Dr confirmed I had the flu and gave me an std test after I told him about what I'd found out.  I haven't received a call back which is a good thing but I'm really angry I had to get tested.  X called me 4 times while I was at my appt because "the kids want to know where you're at."  I called him back afterwards and told him I went to my appt.  He was mad that he wasn't included so I filled him in on the details and told him I had the flu to which he said nothing.  The usual.  When I returned to the house he asked if he could use my car for work.  I just looked at him and laid down.  He started to argue with me.  I wasn't responding so he started to yell.  Eventually, I explained that I had found out info about him and he is not to ask me for anything that doesn't regard his children.  His response was, "ok let's go look at my email and we'll see."  He opened it up, I looked in the sent box and clicked on each message and showed him.  He stared blankly at the screen and began to stutter.  "Those are resumes," he finally said.  "Really?  You send pics out of you kissing a gun, your phone number out, messages asking for you to be hit up, another that talks about how you don't write much because females rarely read it, and another that talks about how you're good, you're nice, you're fun???  And at 3a.m.??  Do you think I don't know why people are up at 3a.m. contacting the opposite sex???"  Silence.  Silence.  Silence.  Silence.  Then he asked to sit down.  I got up and went in the bathroom and started to cry.

He then told me that there were arrows next to the messages that said the message had been forwarded, (I forwarded them to myself once I found them the other night) and that the image number of the pic didn't match the image number of that pic in his phone.  I gave him that phone a month ago...the emails were sent in March...and his old phone couldn't send emails...so...his next reason for all of this?  I did it.  He said I broke into his email back in March and that I sent those messages out to other girls.  Amazing.  He screamed at me, he screamed at my kids and told them they were pitiful for comforting me while I was sobbing, and when I walked into my bedroom and sat on my bed he stuck his finger 2" away from my face and almost had his nose to mine while screaming.  I didn't scream back, I just told him to get out of my face and kept crying.  I told him he needs to move out and he said he's not going to.  He said it's his house and he's staying here.  I receive a food card and he told me that's his now too because he's a tax payer and I'm unemployed.  I called the police and asked if I would get in trouble for changing the locks.  They told me that if I do and he breaks in, he's in the right because he's established residency.  I need a place to go.  I can't take it anymore.  The crazy, the drama, the walking on eggshells, and at the beginning of the week his mom was siding with me and yesterday she went back to his side.  Figures.  Family is family and that's what they do, even though my mom would kick my toosh if I behaved like this guy...  I guess there are laws but they don't apply to him and I'm just angry all the time.  I'm so tired of the abuse and anytime I vent to someone they tell me I made my bed.  It tears me up inside because I'm the kind of person that would help anyone no questions asked and I don't even have the means to do it.  I've never once told someone that something was their fault and I've never given someone advice without telling them HOW to do it too.

I would be so grateful.

Now on to the important stuff:

Silas LOVES the beach.  I took the kids last Saturday and Silas threw the fit of all fits when we were leaving.  Of course, Chris and Kelsey HATE it.  They hate that there aren't water slides and they're not fans of the sand.  Lame.

  
On Tuesday night Kelsey taught Silas to shake hands with her when she says "nice to meet you."  It's adorable!!!

With as much drama as this guy causes, one of the worst things that happened this week was that I found out all of my videos of Silas are gone.  I use carbonite to back up my computer and the folders are there but they're all empty.  My hard drive was wiped clean a few months ago too.  I felt like something died when I realized his first year and a half is gone.

Tomorrow's another day.