I choose the things.

Yesterday, Stella fed the ducks at the park.  Her teachers took pictures of her and her friends on the swings and when I asked her to show me the picture of her she pointed at the one of her and then at the one of her little boyfriend, Luke.  Today, she kissed Luke all over his face and hugged him.  She's precious!!

Today was Chris and Kelsey's first day of 5th and 6th grade.  It went way better than I expected.  Christopher has been terrified about this for about a week now.  He talked about it two nights ago for an hour straight.  His dad wants him to take medication, (which I don't believe in for children) so I'm pretty thankful he was able to calm himself down today.  No tears, but he did forget his house key and had to climb through a window to get inside.  Kelsey, (my social butterfly) had a wonderful day.  She was nervous about learning something hard, but since I got her an IEP last year I think she'll do much better than she did at the beginning of last year.

A facebook email I received today from an old high school acquaintance:
Hey Karen, 
I meant to message you months ago but life just gets crazy. Ha. A few months ago I was pulling out of my parents driveway and two lil kids were crossing the driveway on the sidewalk. I recognized them to be your two oldest. Obviously I stopped and they stopped and I motioned to let them go first. They both looked me right in the eye and smiled and said thank you. I saw the genuineness and kindness in their eyes. I was taken aback. Not many kids their age would have looked me in the eye and been so genuinely polite. I immediately thought of you and what an amazing mama they have. I'm sure you're already proud of them but I wanted to let you know they warmed a stranger's(to them) heart that day...on a day I didn't think I could smile. You have 4 beautiful children. I commend you. Hope you are doing well. Xo

I am feeling overwhelmed and outnumbered.  Four kids is a lot, especially when they go to three different schools.  I love them so much it's insane and I want them all to be so safe and smart.  Ugh.  Love.  Steve's trying REALLY hard to be good to me.  He's succeeding.  There is a box in our bedroom and I think it has a present for me in it.  I can't wait for him to get home from work!!  On Saturday, his mom, (who I haven't spoken to in 8 months b/c she threw a temper tantrum since I didn't return a text fast enough and she decided she'd "never send me any messages or texts again") decided to randomly email me to tell me how I'M the one who has borderline personality disorder, not her or her son.  Ok.  When I showed Steve the emails she sent me, (b/c after I told her to stop contacting me she couldn't stop contacting me) he looked at me and said, "she really is crazy, isn't she...I'm so sorry...I've done this stuff too."  And so have I...when I was in my early 20's and drunk.  Then I'd wake up the next day and feel like a total jackass, only to get drunk and do it again.  I like being 30.  I wouldn't ever want to be in my 20's, (especially early 20's) ever again.  EVER.  But she's in her late 50's and lives alone and the only family she has either can't stand her or only does so in super small doses, usually when they're drunk too.  It's sad.

Things are things.  And today they're good.

I want to be a good mom.

I don't feel like I'm good at anything anymore. I have such a stupid self esteem. I am not confident in my decisions. I don't have the finances or the time to make the decisions I dream about. 

I am trying to focus on all the good things I have but the good things I have are not just my own. They are people, places, and things that have their own minds, stresses, and inadequacies. They aren't there very often or easily accessible. It is harder to deal with every day things because I'm doing so with someone I don't love. 

Stella ran out the front door and fell down the front porch stairs yesterday. I watched and was paralyzed. I couldn't move or talk and once I was able I shook until I threw up. We went to the ER and she was diagnosed with a mild concussion. I'm mad. I've been mad since I saw her screaming at the bottom of the concrete stairs. I care so much about life and I share these beautiful little creatures with someone who doesn't. Sometimes I hate myself. 

Lexapro doesn't work. Zoloft really doesn't work. And I can't afford to go back to crossfit. 

I don't know what to do.