I want to be a good mom.

I don't feel like I'm good at anything anymore. I have such a stupid self esteem. I am not confident in my decisions. I don't have the finances or the time to make the decisions I dream about. 

I am trying to focus on all the good things I have but the good things I have are not just my own. They are people, places, and things that have their own minds, stresses, and inadequacies. They aren't there very often or easily accessible. It is harder to deal with every day things because I'm doing so with someone I don't love. 

Stella ran out the front door and fell down the front porch stairs yesterday. I watched and was paralyzed. I couldn't move or talk and once I was able I shook until I threw up. We went to the ER and she was diagnosed with a mild concussion. I'm mad. I've been mad since I saw her screaming at the bottom of the concrete stairs. I care so much about life and I share these beautiful little creatures with someone who doesn't. Sometimes I hate myself. 

Lexapro doesn't work. Zoloft really doesn't work. And I can't afford to go back to crossfit. 

I don't know what to do.