I should've done what I wanted.

Some days I think my tombstone is gonna read something like: here lies mommy; woulda, shoulda, coulda. Sometimes when I see the missing person signs flashing on the highway I feel excited and somewhat envious of the missing person. I love my life but I'm not in love with it. I love it because I have bunches of kids, the healthy and beautiful kind. I don't love it because...well...because my definition of successful doesn't reflect my life.

Today, "hope" told me to go fuck myself.  Very kindly, but it still hurt just the same.  Reality set in that this isn't just a stage in my life.  This too isn't passing.  This is my life.  And I'm really sad about it.  I don't know how to change it because he won't leave.  How many times can you pack up someone's stuff and put it in the hallway before they get the hint?  I hate this.  I hate this more than when T left me.  I've always thought that was the worst time in my life, but it's not.  Good people are almost impossible to find these days.  Am I really stuck with someone who swears at me CONSTANTLY, tries jumping out of my moving car when he doesn't want to be in it, involves police in everything, and spends all of his nights at the bar and on slot machines?  I can't ever rely on him for anything, except drastic mood swings.  I hate it.  I want to crawl in a hole and cry.  T...I just re-read that sentence.  I hate this more than when T left me.  There must be something about the initial T because the reason I've realized what I do not want more than anything in the world is because of a new person with the first initial T.  I'm never talking to a person with the first initial T ever again.  As if that will really solve any of my problems.

Silas went to the dentist yesterday and had his tooth fixed.  Little buddy just had one cavity.  He will be 3 years old tomorrow!!  We celebrated his and Stella's birthdays last Sunday though.  Stella LOVED her party.  Silas cried most of the time.  I think parties stress him out...