I'm not ready for all this growing up nonsense.

Two nights ago, Silas gave his dad and me REAL kisses.  He tried to open mouth kiss me, which was super cute, so I kept showing him how to smooch and he did it!!!  He's the best baby even though he's not really a baby anymore.  He whispered "pee-sa" a few nights ago as he took a piece of pizza off of my plate.  I loved it.

Chris and Kelsey always want to be out and about.  Not that they hate home, but they want to be with their friends.  I don't know how to manage it.  There's one rule involved...I don't let them go to anyone's house who's parents I'm not friends with.  So...they can only go to 3 houses...oops.  Other parents are weird though.  They just drop their kids off wherever, whenever, with whoever and never meet the other parents.  I don't understand it.  I was pretty sheltered when I was growing up.  My mom used to say I was her favorite person in the world and she wouldn't just share me with anyone.  I guess I'm the same way now.  One time I let Kelsey have a classmate over for a "play date."  The little girl's dad is a social worker...he didn't even come in and meet me...and while the girls were playing Barbies in Kelsey's room I overheard the little girl say, "Dad!!!  Mom's drinking beer and it's not even noon!!!"  Then, when her dad picked her up, he asked me out...and it's very obvious I'm pregnant.  Needless to say, she hasn't come over to play again.  Eek.  I need to get better at time management too.  Being a single parent has always made me pretty crummy at following a complete routine for them.  I just want them to be good people and I get a little/a lot stressed out about it.

Oh.  And I'm 27 weeks pregnant today...but I still can't figure out how I'm going to tell my mom...

Good morning!!

I've been up all night...getting harassed through text of course about how wrong dildos and masturbation are. Then when I respond and tell him how juvenile he is he tells me I'm crazy and asks if I need medication since I'd rather "fuck inanimate objects." I cant medicate myself to heal his insanity. I don't even own a dildo. I was just asking questions.

I can't wait until 6am so I can call TMobile and block his number. Of course, why wouldn't he break his promise to not harass me through text anymore? Why do I have to put up with this? Seriously. Sometimes I think God wants me to die of an anxiety attack. I don't care if that sounds crazy, I put up with this madness because I have no one to help me. But this guy just wants to help me right off a cliff. Idk what to do anymore. I just need an opportunity that no one will give me because I'm pregnant.

I'm so tired.

And Silas peed in the potty last night.

Ack, ack, ack, ack.

Last night, while laying in bed watching t.v. the conversation went like this:
Me:  "How often do you masturbate?"
He:  "Rarely - this conversation is over."
Me:  "................um.................why?"
He:  No response
Me:  "Why aren't I allowed to know anything about you?"
He:  No response

So, I got up silently, walked out of the room, and slept on the couch.

Today, I'm being told that I only ask questions like that because I'm insecure.  I don't really like providing too much information, (although sometimes it's funny) but I'm definitely not insecure in between the bed sheets.  And I'm definitely not physically insecure.  So I call that projection.  Since I refused to agree with him that I'M the insecure one, and since I refused to "get physical" with him again until he could be mature enough to talk about things like sex/masturbation/future birth control, (his answer is always "that's entirely up to you") he said he'll change his answer from "rarely" to "more often"...and if I have a dildo and use it then I'm technically cheating on him anyway.  He also explained that dildos are purchased in "smut shops" and only perverts shop in smut shops.  "Women using dildos are commonly viewed as perverts."  This things that come out of this person's mouth are comical.  I can't help but laugh at the ignorance, or at the fact that when I point out he's being insecure/irrational/verbally and emotionally abusive, he claims that I'm physically abusive.  I didn't know self defense was abuse.  I'm drained.  If I ever brought up/bring up the past, I'm berated, but everything's A-OK when he does it.

I'm real tired of people creating drama where none need be created.  All I ever wonder is if this guy's seriously behaving like this right now...there's people with REAL problems.  REAL ones.  Like, they're homeless, diseased, sick, unemployed, have sick children, etc., and you're throwing a fit about masturbation?  Are you the next Charles Manson or what??

GOD!

Why can't I either be left alone with my kids or just find someone normal?

Speaking of my kids...Silas understands the concept of "Tag."  It's adorable!  He only wants to tag people and be chased though.  He LOVES being chased.  He also LOVES when I chase him around while growling.  He laughs hysterically.  He laughs at everything.  I've never met someone who's so happy to be doing anything and everything.  Truly a blessing, as everyone told me he'd be during my pregnancy with him.

I'm beginning to think that Christopher's depressed.  Or just entering the awkward stage of life.  I can't tell.  He seems sad a lot, but says he's ok.  I could also be over analyzing him because I'm super emotional right now.  Maybe it's me who's depressed and I just want to make sure he never feels like I do.  I also want to make sure he never treats someone the way I'm treated.

Kelsey's just plain moody.  She makes me think astrology is real.  She's such a little cancer.  Sigh.

I don't like the name Stella sometimes.  I don't know.  I do like that I've gained 28lbs so far.  I don't look like I belong in a concentration camp anymore.

Is it bedtime yet?

I hate love. I'm not in it.

I'm at the kids dentist office for the third time in two weeks. Apparently, they only fill one cavity at a time and Kelsey had three. This dental office drives me bananas. Currently, there is a man in the corner on his phone talking about, "tapping that" and cussing. It's so ignorant I can't stand it. I'm grinding my teeth.

Everything else in my life has been going decent but I'm not in the right mind frame to enjoy it. Maybe it's hormones, or the constant pain of my ligaments ripping apart, but I feel very much like being left alone all the time. I'm so jaded. I continuously think I'm being cheated on and I feel super unappreciated. I just want to be taken care of. I get through it by telling myself that one day things will be beyond amazing, or I'll be dead one day and I won't have to deal with it. How sad. I'm not even depressed. Not even a little.

Stella, or Scarlet, is kicking like crazy all the time. Shes adorable. At night, Silas lays his head on my belly and watches tv. Sometimes I wish he could say more than, "mama" and "car." Sometimes I want to hear his opinions on things like I hear Christopher's and Kelsey's. But it's ok. He does everything on his own time and is super laid back because I'm not neurotic. Hes taught me so much patience and for that I'm lucky.

I love April.

My birthday is on Friday and I'm super excited.  I don't know why.  Maybe I just love my birthday.  I don't care about getting older.  I've aged pretty well.  So far.  And you'd never know I have almost 4 kids by looking at me so who cares about aging?!

The storm has calmed down quite a bit.  As it usually does.  I wonder how long the calmness will last this time?  I need a miracle.  I'd like it to last forever.  Or I'd like to just find someone else.

I had a creepily emotional day today.  Everything made me cry.  Silas refused to eat all day.  He wouldn't even take a bite of his Malley's chocolate ice cream with marshmallow on top...so I ate it.  I think he gets super stressed when I'm stressed.  He's so clingy when I'm upset.  Poor little guy.  I wonder when he'll start talking, but I kind of like that the only two words he can say are, "mama," and "car."  I communicate with him so well without words.  I know everything he wants by whatever noises he makes.  That's all that matters.

It's bedtime.