...

I'm flooded with emotions right now.  I'm so happy I don't know what to do with myself.  My ex, yes I can officially call him my ex now, moved out today, after yelling at me for 45 minutes and telling me how I was never the one for him, how's he's been miserable with me for 3 years, how he can't wait to "fuck other girls," etc., etc., etc.  The interesting thing is that he's always miserable "because of who he's dating" and as much as I pity the next girl, I look forward to the lack of drama.  And trust me, there will be an extreme lack of it once he finds someone else.  Kids are too much for him, especially his own.  Before he arrived for his things, (and of course to shower) his mom began texting me that he and I deserve each other, (she's so mad that I told her she encourages his controlling behavior by catering to it) and that she feels so sorry for her and the kids.  She fed me the perfect opportunity to shed some light on the situation.  "How could I deserve him?  I defend you when he writes status updates about you, I've done nothing but try to get you and the kids to have a relationship, yet you're the one letting a 33 year old's 'conniptions' override time spent with your grandson.  You're not the victim, but you've made the kids victims to your behavior now too."  She never responded.

The apple doesn't fall very far from the tree and as much as I used to never want to be like my parents I've learned I have some great qualities they have.  Had I embraced them sooner I wouldn't be in an abusive situation.  I'm pretty thankful right now.  He only moved out a few hours ago but the release of stress I feel is something I can't comprehend.  My kids yelled, "we got our life back!!!!!!!" when he walked out the door.  I had no idea they even felt that way.  Then they talked to me for about an hour about how he made them feel.  "He gets mad over everything, he was always yelling at you, we've known him for like two or three years and he's never tried to be nice to us, he's the only person you ever dated that didn't love us," etc., etc., etc.  I just sat there and listened.  I've been so depressed and hurt over the past 2 months from all the mental abuse that I couldn't sit there and do anything but listen.  And feel like a bag of wieners.  Kids are so forgiving because when I apologized for letting him around them they just said they loved me.

I LOVE them.  And I love that the one who's "never loved me" is gone.  I have $31 in my bank acct, no income, am 34 weeks pregnant, but I have almost 4 beyond wonderful and healthy children and that's all that matters.

...

34 weeks today. <3

Depression is gross.  Mind games are even more gross.  Last night he said he'd move out today.  Today he took the kids for a walk.  There was no moving his stuff out.  Every night I'm stressed out because I don't know if he's coming back here or if he'll be back in a few days after painting unicorns on his head, peeing openly in bus stops, and waking up in other girls' blankets.  I'm sad, but I'm ready for change.  Change is scary, but so necessary.

I look like hell.  I'm constantly tired, my house is trashed, and I don't even care.

But I have cute kids!!

...

I feel completely defeated right now.  Drained, depressed, alone, irritated, and exhausted.  Every day is an aggravation because he refuses to leave.  If he's in the bathroom and I'm trying to tell him something he locks the door which means I'm supposed to stop talking.  If I put one of his belongings in his safe he takes it out and sets it on my dresser.  When he eats he leaves his dishes and cups/drink cans on my dresser.  He lays in the middle of the bed so I don't have any room.  He doesn't shower when he comes home from work and the smell of his feet/spilled alcohol/cigarettes nauseates me so I have to wash the sheets every day.  Yesterday I started washing all of the baby's big stuff, (car seat cover, swing cushion, bath seat) and I asked him if he could bring the swing up from the basement so I could wash it off.  He looked at me like I had 16 heads and said, "you're in no position to ask me for favors."  So what is it that happened this week that has him pushed over the edge?  On Monday night he left his email acct open on my computer so I read it.  Why?  Because he goes through everything of mine, he deletes pics off of my computer of my friends he doesn't like, and every time he goes online he hovers over the keyboard so no one can see what he's typing.  When my kids ask him why he does this he tells them it's because he can't trust us.  In his sent box he had 5 messages to personal ads on craigslist from March 29 beginning at 3:10a.m.  I was hurt.  I sat and sobbed for hours.  I haven't cried like that in awhile.  What hurts is that he's so selfish he would be with other people while I'm pregnant.  That's so disgusting to me that I don't even have words for it.  I guess I feel like my daughter and I are covered in other girls' vaginas.  I decided that there was no point in mentioning it because I'm done.  Tuesday I had the flu, and Wednesday I had an ob/gyn appt in the a.m. so I rolled out of bed and snuck out of the house while everyone was sleeping.  My Dr confirmed I had the flu and gave me an std test after I told him about what I'd found out.  I haven't received a call back which is a good thing but I'm really angry I had to get tested.  X called me 4 times while I was at my appt because "the kids want to know where you're at."  I called him back afterwards and told him I went to my appt.  He was mad that he wasn't included so I filled him in on the details and told him I had the flu to which he said nothing.  The usual.  When I returned to the house he asked if he could use my car for work.  I just looked at him and laid down.  He started to argue with me.  I wasn't responding so he started to yell.  Eventually, I explained that I had found out info about him and he is not to ask me for anything that doesn't regard his children.  His response was, "ok let's go look at my email and we'll see."  He opened it up, I looked in the sent box and clicked on each message and showed him.  He stared blankly at the screen and began to stutter.  "Those are resumes," he finally said.  "Really?  You send pics out of you kissing a gun, your phone number out, messages asking for you to be hit up, another that talks about how you don't write much because females rarely read it, and another that talks about how you're good, you're nice, you're fun???  And at 3a.m.??  Do you think I don't know why people are up at 3a.m. contacting the opposite sex???"  Silence.  Silence.  Silence.  Silence.  Then he asked to sit down.  I got up and went in the bathroom and started to cry.

He then told me that there were arrows next to the messages that said the message had been forwarded, (I forwarded them to myself once I found them the other night) and that the image number of the pic didn't match the image number of that pic in his phone.  I gave him that phone a month ago...the emails were sent in March...and his old phone couldn't send emails...so...his next reason for all of this?  I did it.  He said I broke into his email back in March and that I sent those messages out to other girls.  Amazing.  He screamed at me, he screamed at my kids and told them they were pitiful for comforting me while I was sobbing, and when I walked into my bedroom and sat on my bed he stuck his finger 2" away from my face and almost had his nose to mine while screaming.  I didn't scream back, I just told him to get out of my face and kept crying.  I told him he needs to move out and he said he's not going to.  He said it's his house and he's staying here.  I receive a food card and he told me that's his now too because he's a tax payer and I'm unemployed.  I called the police and asked if I would get in trouble for changing the locks.  They told me that if I do and he breaks in, he's in the right because he's established residency.  I need a place to go.  I can't take it anymore.  The crazy, the drama, the walking on eggshells, and at the beginning of the week his mom was siding with me and yesterday she went back to his side.  Figures.  Family is family and that's what they do, even though my mom would kick my toosh if I behaved like this guy...  I guess there are laws but they don't apply to him and I'm just angry all the time.  I'm so tired of the abuse and anytime I vent to someone they tell me I made my bed.  It tears me up inside because I'm the kind of person that would help anyone no questions asked and I don't even have the means to do it.  I've never once told someone that something was their fault and I've never given someone advice without telling them HOW to do it too.

I would be so grateful.

Now on to the important stuff:

Silas LOVES the beach.  I took the kids last Saturday and Silas threw the fit of all fits when we were leaving.  Of course, Chris and Kelsey HATE it.  They hate that there aren't water slides and they're not fans of the sand.  Lame.

  
On Tuesday night Kelsey taught Silas to shake hands with her when she says "nice to meet you."  It's adorable!!!

With as much drama as this guy causes, one of the worst things that happened this week was that I found out all of my videos of Silas are gone.  I use carbonite to back up my computer and the folders are there but they're all empty.  My hard drive was wiped clean a few months ago too.  I felt like something died when I realized his first year and a half is gone.

Tomorrow's another day.

Ack, ack, ack, ack.

Last night, while laying in bed watching t.v. the conversation went like this:
Me:  "How often do you masturbate?"
He:  "Rarely - this conversation is over."
Me:  "................um.................why?"
He:  No response
Me:  "Why aren't I allowed to know anything about you?"
He:  No response

So, I got up silently, walked out of the room, and slept on the couch.

Today, I'm being told that I only ask questions like that because I'm insecure.  I don't really like providing too much information, (although sometimes it's funny) but I'm definitely not insecure in between the bed sheets.  And I'm definitely not physically insecure.  So I call that projection.  Since I refused to agree with him that I'M the insecure one, and since I refused to "get physical" with him again until he could be mature enough to talk about things like sex/masturbation/future birth control, (his answer is always "that's entirely up to you") he said he'll change his answer from "rarely" to "more often"...and if I have a dildo and use it then I'm technically cheating on him anyway.  He also explained that dildos are purchased in "smut shops" and only perverts shop in smut shops.  "Women using dildos are commonly viewed as perverts."  This things that come out of this person's mouth are comical.  I can't help but laugh at the ignorance, or at the fact that when I point out he's being insecure/irrational/verbally and emotionally abusive, he claims that I'm physically abusive.  I didn't know self defense was abuse.  I'm drained.  If I ever brought up/bring up the past, I'm berated, but everything's A-OK when he does it.

I'm real tired of people creating drama where none need be created.  All I ever wonder is if this guy's seriously behaving like this right now...there's people with REAL problems.  REAL ones.  Like, they're homeless, diseased, sick, unemployed, have sick children, etc., and you're throwing a fit about masturbation?  Are you the next Charles Manson or what??

GOD!

Why can't I either be left alone with my kids or just find someone normal?

Speaking of my kids...Silas understands the concept of "Tag."  It's adorable!  He only wants to tag people and be chased though.  He LOVES being chased.  He also LOVES when I chase him around while growling.  He laughs hysterically.  He laughs at everything.  I've never met someone who's so happy to be doing anything and everything.  Truly a blessing, as everyone told me he'd be during my pregnancy with him.

I'm beginning to think that Christopher's depressed.  Or just entering the awkward stage of life.  I can't tell.  He seems sad a lot, but says he's ok.  I could also be over analyzing him because I'm super emotional right now.  Maybe it's me who's depressed and I just want to make sure he never feels like I do.  I also want to make sure he never treats someone the way I'm treated.

Kelsey's just plain moody.  She makes me think astrology is real.  She's such a little cancer.  Sigh.

I don't like the name Stella sometimes.  I don't know.  I do like that I've gained 28lbs so far.  I don't look like I belong in a concentration camp anymore.

Is it bedtime yet?

I hate love. I'm not in it.

I'm at the kids dentist office for the third time in two weeks. Apparently, they only fill one cavity at a time and Kelsey had three. This dental office drives me bananas. Currently, there is a man in the corner on his phone talking about, "tapping that" and cussing. It's so ignorant I can't stand it. I'm grinding my teeth.

Everything else in my life has been going decent but I'm not in the right mind frame to enjoy it. Maybe it's hormones, or the constant pain of my ligaments ripping apart, but I feel very much like being left alone all the time. I'm so jaded. I continuously think I'm being cheated on and I feel super unappreciated. I just want to be taken care of. I get through it by telling myself that one day things will be beyond amazing, or I'll be dead one day and I won't have to deal with it. How sad. I'm not even depressed. Not even a little.

Stella, or Scarlet, is kicking like crazy all the time. Shes adorable. At night, Silas lays his head on my belly and watches tv. Sometimes I wish he could say more than, "mama" and "car." Sometimes I want to hear his opinions on things like I hear Christopher's and Kelsey's. But it's ok. He does everything on his own time and is super laid back because I'm not neurotic. Hes taught me so much patience and for that I'm lucky.

Questions to Judge Your Relationship

Is your boyfriend often indifferent to your activities, interests, ideas, feelings, or problems?
Yes.  He is completely dismissive of these things unless he agrees with them.
Does he compromise in little things, such as where to go or what to do?
No.  If I'm uncomfortable somewhere he tells me to leave.
Is he selfish?
Yes.  Currently, he does not ask about my pregnancy because "it has nothing to do with" him.
Have you often been very disappointed, hurt, or upset by him?
I've never been so disappointed, hurt, or upset by anyone else in my life.  I spend a good majority of my days feeling regret over ever being with him and then I feel guilty because I don't regret Silas.
Do you often feel manipulated?
I NEVER get to do what I want or what's best for me when he's around, so yes.
Can he admit to making mistakes and apologize?
He's never admitted a mistake.  He's apologized on 4 separate occasions, each time saying, "I'm sorry for whatever it is I contributed to us fighting."  He never owns anything or seems to know what it is he did wrong.
Can he forgive you?
No.  Absolutely not.
How does he treat you when:
He feels angry?
When he's angry he uses his time with Silas to verbally assault me through text/email.  He's also had Silas dedicated behind my back, kept him illegally, (due to our court order) for an entire weekend while I was nursing, and taken him to the ER claiming Silas was suffering from an overdose, (although he was not currently taking any medication) to try and get Silas taken away from me.  He intimidates me and embarrasses me online and talks to me like an idiot in public.  He makes up stories about me to authorities and mutual friends to get people against me or get me in trouble.
Things go wrong?
See above paragraph.
You have many problems?
He withdraws.
When you feel upset or depressed?
He yells or laughs at me and then withdraws.
Does he show patience in anger? Hit walls, throw or break objects, or hurt animals in anger?
He pushes me, throws his hands in the air, and yells, "get your hands off of me!!"
Does he become angry frequently or unnecessarily?
Anytime I show emotion he loses control.
Is his anger sometimes very intense?
He threatened my life on a public forum so I stayed at my friend's house overnight, so I'd say yes.
How does he treat other people when he feels angry?
He yells at and insults them, then shuts them out of his life until they come to him.
Has he threatened, intimidated, or hit you or anyone else?
All of the above.
Can you spontaneously say what you feel, or do certain topics result in bad feelings or trouble?
I walk on eggshells and if I don't it's a disaster.
Is he open to your expressing your needs in the relationship, or occasionally unwilling to listen and discuss things?
He criticizes me if I have needs.
Can you discuss and resolve problems and sensitive issues?
I don't bother because he'll just blow up and blame me for everything.
Do you both compromise or does he always dominate and you give in?
I give in to keep the peace.
Do you trust him?
NO
Is he honest and dependable?
NO
Have there been many lies or deceptions by not telling the whole truth?
YES
Do you feel comfortable and relaxed when you are together?
I feel ugly, incompetent, scared, and stupid.
Can you enjoy yourself and have fun?
No.  One wrong move and he'll call the cops with some random and ridiculous story.
Does he show good judgment that considers the future consequences of his actions on both of you?
He doesn't ever plan for the future.
Does he have an alcohol or drug problem?
I've been told he is an alcoholic by a few alcoholics.
Do you respect each other’s values and goals?
I respect his.
Does he bring out the best in you or does he bring out negative things?
He brings out nothing in me.  I've learned to act like a robot around him.
Does this contribute to your problems, such as depression or low self-esteem?
My self esteem has been replaced by anxiety.  Some days I don't even want to leave my house because I have developed such a complex.
Are you both proud to be seen together?
No.  I immediately feel negatively judged because of all the horrible things he tells people about me.