It never fails. I move through life as simply as I can for months at a time. And then something tops the cake and I feel the pain and the mistakes of the last few months. Not because they're there. They're going to be there regardless because I'm living. Learning as I go. But they remind me that I have failed.
I cannot find love, love cannot find me, I cannot find friends who love me for me, I am always alone and I don't think that will ever change. I am grouped into the box of girls who had kids super young so I'm viewed as a poor decision maker, a poor person, and trash. I am not denying any of these except trash, but I often find myself feeling like I'm better than the other girls in the box. I have no reason for this thought other than the depth of hope and resilience I am able to exude. It's completely ridiculous, but I don't want to hang out with other moms my age who have teenagers who's stepparents molested them, or are involved in gangs, or were raised by their grandparents, or are latch key kids. I'm doing better than that for my kids.
Regarding dating, men without kids don't want to date me because I have four, and men with kids don't want to date me because they don't want to explain to their kids that I have four with two dads. I get it. I understand that. It doesn't make it any less depressing.
And tattoos. Tattoos. Sigh. It's like I'm a leper. I'm not wanted in weddings, in childhood friendships, in serious relationships...
One day I'd like to blog about how incredible my relationships are instead of the same things I was writing about 7 years ago.
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