Hey, I heard you were a wild one.

There's a little girl in there!  And I think she has a name.  I'm not exactly crazy about it but I've never been one to have a favorite anything so I let the Chris & Kelsey decide.  I REALLY trust Christopher's judgement because makes great decisions.  I have no idea where he gets that from.  He claims this baby girl needs a "big beautiful name like his because Kelsey and Silas have little cute names."  Ha ha!!!  This little girl moves constantly.  I don't know when she sleeps.  Maybe when I sleep, but every time I wake up she's tumbling around in there.  I think she might be more active than Silas and that's pretty tough to beat.

I am absolutely exhausted today.  I don't know if it's the med kicking in or if it's just the point I'm at in my pregnancy.  Crazy pants didn't stay here last night, 3rd night this week, so I slept really well.  No 2a.m. text noises seeping in my room from the living room.  I still woke up 4x to pee, read a text that said, "Not that you care but I had to walk home from work.  I had my mom come get me from Moon's but she left without me so I had to walk to her house.  I'm going to eat something and then I'll be home.  I didn't want to scare you coming in" to which I didn't respond, and on one of those occasions I had to grab a bowl of cereal because I was starving.  He showed up at 8:55a.m., started a pot of coffee, sat on the couch with Silas for 20 min., took a shower, drank his coffee, went and did who knows what in my room, and then left at 10:32a.m.  He uttered two words to me, "that's cute" when referring to Silas who was putting all his matchbox cars in a Lightning McQueen plush Easter basket and then dumping them all out...and repeating this over and over and over again.  I have to say it was like being in Heaven not having to hear him speak.

Here's to another peaceful night. 

  

This is what shock feels like.

Last night he came home early, showered, and left 20 min later saying he had to go help a friend and he'd be back later.

I called him at 8a.m. this morning and asked him if he'd be home by 8:30a.m. so I could take the kids to school without waking Silas up.  He told me the kids are my responsibility, that he only lives here so he can see them, but he doesn't have to do anything for them.  Um...ok?  You know, it's funny, people think I'm absolutely insane for allowing this guy back into my life after all he's put me through and after 2011's chaos, but the reason I did it was because of the kind of father he seemed to be.  I thought he was better than my ex husband, even though my ex husband never used the kids as pawns...I guess I had everything all wrong.

So I'm about to have four kids with two different guys who are exactly the same.  And maybe I give my ex husband a little more credit because he at least, 1)  loved me, and 2)  is an alcoholic and doesn't want to/can't stop.  I mean, at least there's a reason why he's not involved, not that that excuses it, but it does make it easier to cope with.  My ex boyfriend is just flipping crazy.  It's so hard to understand why someone would want to be like that.  Get help already.

After he told me he doesn't have to do anything for them he told me that I chose facebook over him and that he doesn't exist.  He told me I took a step in the wrong direction by not approving his facebook requests.  I told him I think I made a step in the right one.  I don't want him on my page after he's threatened me, name called, and harassed me on facebook.  So I'm being "punished" because I won't approve of his behavior.  The part of the conversation that I couldn't comprehend was, "You deal with Silas.  Have fun with that!"  Click.  I just sat there and thought, "wow...he's my ex husband."     

Just in case I am missing or dead.

I found a post in a blog the other day that really helped me understand the kind of person who's living with/off of me.  A woman was talking about another woman who has borderline personality disorder.  She recommended a book and listed the following information about it:

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorderhas been especially useful and full of tips on how to deal with the BPD person.

The most consistent advice for dealing with a BPD is to go no contact with them. As in, there is really no good way to deal with a person with this disorder.

These people will always cycle through friends, and find themselves at odds with everyone at some point. They "paint people black" who just a week ago they put up on a pedestal. They are always fighting imagined threats, always thinking people are out to get them, take things from them, talking about them behind their backs, or going to abandon them.

They live in these fantasy worlds where they are the victim and often times will regularly abuse the legal system by filing false restraining orders and claiming things like domestic abuse when in fact they themselves are the abusers.

They are the mothers with Munchhausen syndrome who are constantly eating up the attention of ERs from having "sick" children, and the attention seekers who tell so many lies about their "hard life" and how everyone has abused them that they actually begin to believe their own lies and gain sympathy and help from soft hearted people who want to do the right thing.

And then, when everything unravels, and the people who have been helping them, start to realize the actual truth about them, and who they are actually dealing with, they will turn on those people too. And the cycle of abuse starts all over again and again and again with new people.

Over the past 2.5 years I've read a ton of articles about different mood disorders but have never really been able to nail the experiences I have with this guy on the head.  Well, this hit home.  Every sentence in the above paragraphs are what I go through on an oh-so regular basis.  I feel a little more at ease knowing that there's nothing that will change him.  He will never seek medication or therapy.  He will just bully me in every aspect of my life and I've detached so much but he's even punishing me for that.  There's no winning.

No one reads this blog and that's probably a good thing.  I started it because I had to go to court last year for major charges pressed against me by him over and incident that didn't really occur.  Since then I've documented everything I possibly could to protect me and my children.  Had I been found guilty my life would be altered negatively forever.  He ruined parts of my life and mocks me for it every time he gets mad.  It doesn't make me mad anymore.  I just stopped loving him...or hoping for him.  As I re-read what I just wrote I want to include that my life, as sad as I feel right now, isn't ruined.  It's just harder than it's ever been.  I had some sort of spiritual epiphany the other day while showering and realized that what he did to me is a blessing.  It made me remove my rose colored glasses and everlasting pathetic hope.  It took a very long time to get where I am now and I'm not where I want to be because I'm 30 weeks pregnant and unable to find a job.  He's living here, moved himself in a few weeks ago when I asked him to babysit, and refuses to leave.  I'm so drained I don't know what to do and my anxiety is so high that I went on Zoloft last Friday just so that my heart would stop palpating.  He can't ever find that out because he'll mock me and call them my "anti-psychotics."  Why am I so miserable?  Because I want to move on but I'm stuck for the next 4-5 months.  I just want to be happy and he is such a leech who sucks all the happiness out of everyone around him.

We're walking on eggshells all the time.      

Handle others with your heart.

I lost my cool yesterday and I feel pretty bad about that.  I feel worse over the reason why.  After picking up my kids from school I told the kids how much I missed them yesterday and my daughter put her head down and looked away.  I asked her what was wrong...she's a cancer...something's ALWAYS wrong...and she said, "Daddy said you just want us all to yourself."  I have no idea why she would say that to me, daughters are mean I guess, but it set me over the edge and I said some things I've never said to my kids before.  I've never defended myself to them if their dad has said anything to them, I've never bad mouthed him, I've never tried to get them to see him for what he really is.  He saw them in March 2011 and March 2012, owes me $27K in child support, and if he doesn't drink he has seizures.  The kids have seen him "smoke out of something silver" and have seen him "fall a lot."  I don't even know how they remember such details when they don't see him on a regular basis.  Anyway, now they're aware of how he is, but not based on what I said about him, but by comparing what I do v.s. what he does for them.  My feelings are hurt and I'm sure hers are too.  I don't know how to address it right now.  When I was done "explaining" yesterday, Christopher came up behind me, hugged me, and said, "you really need someone to hug you right now."  He knows how things are.  He sees it.  The only "excuse" they've ever heard me say is, "I can't I have to work."  They've heard every excuse in the book from their dad.  And a month ago he told our daughter she's not his anyway so stop calling him.  Awesome.  Absolutely awesome on so many levels.  She doesn't even understand what he meant.

I was super crabby yesterday, ultimately gutted by my child, and then I got a facebook friend request from the reason why I deleted my old page and made a new one under a latin name.  Since he's here all the time, I approved it, although there was major hesitation.  Shortly after that he sent me a relationship request that I couldn't even acknowledge which led to a huge fight...and now I don't need to get him evicted because he's moving out himself.  It was pretty frustrating to get screamed at for 25 minutes at 1a.m.  And eventually I just looked up and super duper calmly said something along the lines of, "dude...you're a loser.  You're 34 years old screaming at me over FACEBOOK.  There's 3 sleeping kids in the other rooms yet all you care about is yourself.  So what if I don't want to be hip with you on facebook?  I'm embarrassed by you and I'm embarrassed I tolerate your bullshit.  I'm 30 weeks pregnant and THIS is the shit you put me through once a week like clockwork."  He about fell over when I said I was embarrassed by him and said that the way he treats me on facebook is MY fault.  I then reminded him that everything he says on facebook is actually a lie, it's not my fault that he's a liar, and it's not my fault he acts like trash.  Was that bad?  I'm sure it was for him because he walked out and didn't come back, threw a good ol' "fuck you" on his way out to which I replied with, "no thank you" and he SLAMMED the door.  Usually, the only emotion I have left for him is anger but I don't even have that anymore.  It's so much bigger than that.  My daughter is displaying daddy issues over some douchebag who doesn't really give a fat poop about her.  I don't want her to make the same mistakes I made trying to get someone to love her and mess up her life over a drunk.

And the new baby name list is:
Sasha
Stella
Kimber (Kelsey wants her to have a K name like her)

Whoremoans.

Some days I love being pregnant.

Today isn't one of those days.  I'm sick of being emotional.  Once a week I have some crying fit that lasts for a few hours and then all I want to do is take a nap.  But who can take a nap while taking care of 3 kids?  I'm stressed because I can't find anything to wear, I don't have any money to make new baby purchases, and I can't seem to make a decision about anything.  Every day while staying home with Silas I wonder what we should do today...all day long.  He always wants to watch t.v.  I hate t.v.  Hate hate hate t.v.  Yesterday I took him outside to play and about 15 minutes into it he went up to the front door, started knocking on it, and then threw a fit, (love those temper tantrums) so I gave in...brought him inside and let him watch some weird cats and dogs movie that he LOVED.  Whatever makes him happy I guess?  I just feel like I should be DOING something with him.  I bought a zoo pass last week, have been there twice, and he passed out both times in his stroller.  Sigh.  So, all I do is clean.  And organize.  And re-organize.  And throw stuff away.  And make room for new things.  I'm bored.

I am the queen of complaining today.  And maybe tomorrow too.

Thank God for Silas.

I can't stop being angry but I want to.

I thought that I'd get some answers today since it's Monday, but no luck.

Who just moves their stuff in and claims residency at a place they don't pay bills?  I don't understand how this is acceptable.  The police told me to get a lawyer.  What?  So that means that the next time I go to someone's house, I can take my stuff over there, say I live there, and the person who really does live there has to get a lawyer to get me out??  Come on already.  There'd be no homeless people if that were the case because EVERY one of them would claim residency at some random person's house.

I can't take it anymore.

Confessions of the chronic worrier...

Inside I'm an anxious mess but you'd never be able to tell by looking at me.

I breathe way too fast, my brain is scattered, I can't focus yet I can focus on exactly what I don't want to be thinking about, and my legs really hurt.

I'm trying to talk myself out of these thoughts and it's working to an extent.  But the more I talk my brain out of them, the more my body feels.

I'm scared.

Someone, the usual someone, is trying to cause damage to my life.  He's trying to get me evicted out of my house.  So much for making a deal with the devil.  He's trying to establish residency here so that I'm stuck supporting him too.  Who are these people that leech off pregnant, jobless, single moms anyway??

I don't know what to do anymore.  I never know what to do.  I get my life threatened constantly if I don't put up with him and I get my house/well being/emotional health/finances threatened if I do put up with him.

I feel trapped all the time.