A star is born!

I am officially a single mother of 4.  FOUR!!!!  Holy moly.  On July 18, on my way out to eat with my bff Meghan, her daughter, and Silas, (Chris and Kelsey were at summer camp for the week) the increasing pain in my butt hole caused me to call my doctor, who told me to come on in so he could check me out, and I was 3cm dilated, 80% effaced, and my contractions were 3 minutes apart.  Here's the stupid part.  Since he wasn't on call, he sent me home and told me to come back to the hospital around 8p.m. if I was still feeling uncomfortable.  So, we went to Bob Evans and then went to Babies R Us because I had a gift card to spend...and I didn't have any diapers for the new baby.  While we were out I used the restroom only to find that I was bleeding.  Everywhere.  I paid for the diapers, we dropped off Meghan's daughter at a sitter, stopped at my house so I could pack a bag, and drove to the hospital while my ex harassed me through text/my ex's mom comforted me through text.  Radness all around.

We arrived at the hospital around 7:45p.m., I was already checked in, a nurse, (the nicest nurse EVER, Faye) wheeled me upstairs, and gowned and monitored me up.  I was ready to go.  The pressure on my butt hole was ridiculous and all I kept saying was, "my butt hole's going to fly off."  The on call doctor came in, who didn't want to deliver anyone who wasn't her patient, and was a complete and total brat.  She checked my cervix and the monitor, said my cervix was the same as it was at my Dr.'s office, and that my contractions were probably being caused by a U.T.I. so they collected a urine sample.  She wanted to send me home but I refused to leave.  Jerks.  Since when do U.T.I.'s make you feel like you have to push a baby out of your foof?  IDIOTS!  While they were waiting for lab results I walked some laps around the hallway and drank some water, laid back down an hour later, and had my cervix checked again.  4cm dilated 100% effaced.  I was beyond ready for them to give me an epidural and break my water so I could get the show on the road. BUT the anesthesiologist was in an emergency appendectomy by this time and was unable to leave the surgery until it was complete.  The nurse and doctor told me this while my arm was being poked and prodded with needles to blow my veins...I mean...to start my I.V. so I just started to sob.  I've never cried during labor, but I've also never had pain in so many areas of my body at one time.  On top of the letdown that I couldn't receive an epidural at that time they told me that I'd have to wait at least 4 hours to have her because I was group B strep positive, as I was with my other daughter...weird, and they needed to administer I.V. antibiotics during that time period.  I was super thrilled with my awesome experience by this point but I'm not much of a complainer so Meghan got an attitude with the nurse and the doctor.  Magically, I received a shot of nubain and less than a half hour later I got an epidural!!  When I was in labor with Silas I got to 7cm dilated without an epidural but this labor was way more horrendous.  Butt hole pressure is so scary that I had my butt cheeks smooshed together the entire time because I literally believed she would fly right out.  After the epidural I was in heaven.  I dozed in an out for awhile until the nurse checked me and told me it was time to push.  I pushed through 1.5 contractions and she was out!!

Miss Stella Kathleen aka Stella Kat

7lbs 10oz 19.5"

7/19/2012 @ 5:35 a.m.

Since I am not the jerk I wish I still was, my ex was present and she has her brother's last name because I didn't want him to be an outcast.  The ex is now refusing to be in their lives, only held his daughter twice, has never changed her diaper, and tried to ban his mother from seeing the babies.  My heart hurts.  A lot.  And he's now seeing someone who has kids but it would ultimately the absolute best thing if he didn't have anything to do with them.  They're unbelievably wonderful.  Stella Kat is the sweetest baby girl.  Her cord fell off today so she showered with me and she was in love with the shower.  That's my girl!!

Her first week home:

I'm starting to question whether or not there really is enough mommy to go around.  I have 4 kids!!!

...

I'm flooded with emotions right now.  I'm so happy I don't know what to do with myself.  My ex, yes I can officially call him my ex now, moved out today, after yelling at me for 45 minutes and telling me how I was never the one for him, how's he's been miserable with me for 3 years, how he can't wait to "fuck other girls," etc., etc., etc.  The interesting thing is that he's always miserable "because of who he's dating" and as much as I pity the next girl, I look forward to the lack of drama.  And trust me, there will be an extreme lack of it once he finds someone else.  Kids are too much for him, especially his own.  Before he arrived for his things, (and of course to shower) his mom began texting me that he and I deserve each other, (she's so mad that I told her she encourages his controlling behavior by catering to it) and that she feels so sorry for her and the kids.  She fed me the perfect opportunity to shed some light on the situation.  "How could I deserve him?  I defend you when he writes status updates about you, I've done nothing but try to get you and the kids to have a relationship, yet you're the one letting a 33 year old's 'conniptions' override time spent with your grandson.  You're not the victim, but you've made the kids victims to your behavior now too."  She never responded.

The apple doesn't fall very far from the tree and as much as I used to never want to be like my parents I've learned I have some great qualities they have.  Had I embraced them sooner I wouldn't be in an abusive situation.  I'm pretty thankful right now.  He only moved out a few hours ago but the release of stress I feel is something I can't comprehend.  My kids yelled, "we got our life back!!!!!!!" when he walked out the door.  I had no idea they even felt that way.  Then they talked to me for about an hour about how he made them feel.  "He gets mad over everything, he was always yelling at you, we've known him for like two or three years and he's never tried to be nice to us, he's the only person you ever dated that didn't love us," etc., etc., etc.  I just sat there and listened.  I've been so depressed and hurt over the past 2 months from all the mental abuse that I couldn't sit there and do anything but listen.  And feel like a bag of wieners.  Kids are so forgiving because when I apologized for letting him around them they just said they loved me.

I LOVE them.  And I love that the one who's "never loved me" is gone.  I have $31 in my bank acct, no income, am 34 weeks pregnant, but I have almost 4 beyond wonderful and healthy children and that's all that matters.

Handle others with your heart.

I lost my cool yesterday and I feel pretty bad about that.  I feel worse over the reason why.  After picking up my kids from school I told the kids how much I missed them yesterday and my daughter put her head down and looked away.  I asked her what was wrong...she's a cancer...something's ALWAYS wrong...and she said, "Daddy said you just want us all to yourself."  I have no idea why she would say that to me, daughters are mean I guess, but it set me over the edge and I said some things I've never said to my kids before.  I've never defended myself to them if their dad has said anything to them, I've never bad mouthed him, I've never tried to get them to see him for what he really is.  He saw them in March 2011 and March 2012, owes me $27K in child support, and if he doesn't drink he has seizures.  The kids have seen him "smoke out of something silver" and have seen him "fall a lot."  I don't even know how they remember such details when they don't see him on a regular basis.  Anyway, now they're aware of how he is, but not based on what I said about him, but by comparing what I do v.s. what he does for them.  My feelings are hurt and I'm sure hers are too.  I don't know how to address it right now.  When I was done "explaining" yesterday, Christopher came up behind me, hugged me, and said, "you really need someone to hug you right now."  He knows how things are.  He sees it.  The only "excuse" they've ever heard me say is, "I can't I have to work."  They've heard every excuse in the book from their dad.  And a month ago he told our daughter she's not his anyway so stop calling him.  Awesome.  Absolutely awesome on so many levels.  She doesn't even understand what he meant.

I was super crabby yesterday, ultimately gutted by my child, and then I got a facebook friend request from the reason why I deleted my old page and made a new one under a latin name.  Since he's here all the time, I approved it, although there was major hesitation.  Shortly after that he sent me a relationship request that I couldn't even acknowledge which led to a huge fight...and now I don't need to get him evicted because he's moving out himself.  It was pretty frustrating to get screamed at for 25 minutes at 1a.m.  And eventually I just looked up and super duper calmly said something along the lines of, "dude...you're a loser.  You're 34 years old screaming at me over FACEBOOK.  There's 3 sleeping kids in the other rooms yet all you care about is yourself.  So what if I don't want to be hip with you on facebook?  I'm embarrassed by you and I'm embarrassed I tolerate your bullshit.  I'm 30 weeks pregnant and THIS is the shit you put me through once a week like clockwork."  He about fell over when I said I was embarrassed by him and said that the way he treats me on facebook is MY fault.  I then reminded him that everything he says on facebook is actually a lie, it's not my fault that he's a liar, and it's not my fault he acts like trash.  Was that bad?  I'm sure it was for him because he walked out and didn't come back, threw a good ol' "fuck you" on his way out to which I replied with, "no thank you" and he SLAMMED the door.  Usually, the only emotion I have left for him is anger but I don't even have that anymore.  It's so much bigger than that.  My daughter is displaying daddy issues over some douchebag who doesn't really give a fat poop about her.  I don't want her to make the same mistakes I made trying to get someone to love her and mess up her life over a drunk.

And the new baby name list is:
Sasha
Stella
Kimber (Kelsey wants her to have a K name like her)

It even hurts when I hold my breath.

The past 3 days have hurt me beyond words. I am strangely trying to feel the pain, rather than push it away, so that I can remember how it feels, and so I stop repeating my mistakes.
He tried to move back in with me for 6 months. Every month I said no. Every month I opened up and revealed another reason why I couldn't allow it.  And every month, regarding how much he told me he wanted to be a family, he broke up with me, belittled me, embarrassed me, and broke me down. And what happened? I really needed him. I lost my job, I'm struggling through a high risk pregnancy, my immune system despises me lately so I thought, "maybe this is God's way of telling me I need to let go and trust my ex." So I did. I allowed him to begin moving in. I begin spending money on things I needed but haven't had the money to buy due to one income. And what happens? His "good friend" dies and within 4 days his behavior towards the "family" turns cold. He turns his back on my kids because he couldn't figure out which one of them ate his reese cup. He tells them he can't live here because theyre liars. He becomes infuriated with me because I had bronchitis and was unable to make him dinner. He spends the night at his moms, "doing laundry." He attends a funeral and when I ask to go along with him, he refuses. And he refused because of his ex.

After I told him his behavior was unacceptable and that grieving is no excuse to rekindle old flames, he put two status updates about me on facebook. This couldn't be more painful to me. Why? He carries a gun and mirrors Drew Peterson. It terrifies me to have someone use my whole name, making horrible and false accusations about me, putting pregnant me and my kids in danger, and then watching onlookers diagnose me, encourage him, and call him a good dad. More than a dozen people on his page prove to be as jacked up as he is and what any or all of them could do to me and my kids scares the life out of me.
What good dad endangers their infant and unborn child on a social networking site? What good dad claims their pregnant ex needs to be disposed of? What good dad calls someone trashy, a hussy, a psycho, white trash, a cunt, etc.? He's displaying the behaviors he claims I am. And no one notices. I actually feel embarrassed for him and even more embarrassed for his "friends" who participate in this. They should all be ashamed. Anyone who was his real friend would remind him that his behavior on facebook last year this time is why he has such limited visitation. Good job, "good dad."

Good job. And real good job choosing to use your exes grieving period to weasel your way back into her life...choosing her over "being the family" you wanted for 6 months...choosing her over being involved in the pregnancy and the birth of your own daughter. Good job. His ex is so important to him that he had to rip me apart online because I defended the family he led me to believe we were.

It's just fuckin sick. I filed a police report yesterday a.m. and kept my kids home from school today because I am/was too scared.  And I don't know what to do anymore.