I've got the blues.

I don't have time to feel like this, I've got too many kids.  But I feel it alright.  There isn't a room in my house unoccupied by a child so I went in the basement while having a meltdown.  And I melted down right into a laundry basket with clothes in it.  Then I opened the dryer and contemplated hiding in it...then laughed at myself because...I just had baby #4 and I'm so small I could fit in a dryer...what the??  I'm hurting.  I forgot how hard it was to just give birth to a baby and watch your ex move on less than a week after.  And this one rubs it in my face...well that and not wanting to be a dad anymore and blaming THAT on me too.

Every little thing is weighing me down.  Even the lady at the WIC office made me cry because she asked, "what do you mean you don't have anyone who supports your decision to nurse?"  Like, hey lady, this is my 4th kid, no one's fucking happy about that - do you think they give a shit about how it's going to eat?  Instead, I just looked at her and smiled because that's what I do.

Stupid hormones.  Just fucking stupid.  So is swearing.

"Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?" ~Rose Kennedy

Hey, I heard you were a wild one.

There's a little girl in there!  And I think she has a name.  I'm not exactly crazy about it but I've never been one to have a favorite anything so I let the Chris & Kelsey decide.  I REALLY trust Christopher's judgement because makes great decisions.  I have no idea where he gets that from.  He claims this baby girl needs a "big beautiful name like his because Kelsey and Silas have little cute names."  Ha ha!!!  This little girl moves constantly.  I don't know when she sleeps.  Maybe when I sleep, but every time I wake up she's tumbling around in there.  I think she might be more active than Silas and that's pretty tough to beat.

I am absolutely exhausted today.  I don't know if it's the med kicking in or if it's just the point I'm at in my pregnancy.  Crazy pants didn't stay here last night, 3rd night this week, so I slept really well.  No 2a.m. text noises seeping in my room from the living room.  I still woke up 4x to pee, read a text that said, "Not that you care but I had to walk home from work.  I had my mom come get me from Moon's but she left without me so I had to walk to her house.  I'm going to eat something and then I'll be home.  I didn't want to scare you coming in" to which I didn't respond, and on one of those occasions I had to grab a bowl of cereal because I was starving.  He showed up at 8:55a.m., started a pot of coffee, sat on the couch with Silas for 20 min., took a shower, drank his coffee, went and did who knows what in my room, and then left at 10:32a.m.  He uttered two words to me, "that's cute" when referring to Silas who was putting all his matchbox cars in a Lightning McQueen plush Easter basket and then dumping them all out...and repeating this over and over and over again.  I have to say it was like being in Heaven not having to hear him speak.

Here's to another peaceful night. 

  

Just in case I am missing or dead.

I found a post in a blog the other day that really helped me understand the kind of person who's living with/off of me.  A woman was talking about another woman who has borderline personality disorder.  She recommended a book and listed the following information about it:

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorderhas been especially useful and full of tips on how to deal with the BPD person.

The most consistent advice for dealing with a BPD is to go no contact with them. As in, there is really no good way to deal with a person with this disorder.

These people will always cycle through friends, and find themselves at odds with everyone at some point. They "paint people black" who just a week ago they put up on a pedestal. They are always fighting imagined threats, always thinking people are out to get them, take things from them, talking about them behind their backs, or going to abandon them.

They live in these fantasy worlds where they are the victim and often times will regularly abuse the legal system by filing false restraining orders and claiming things like domestic abuse when in fact they themselves are the abusers.

They are the mothers with Munchhausen syndrome who are constantly eating up the attention of ERs from having "sick" children, and the attention seekers who tell so many lies about their "hard life" and how everyone has abused them that they actually begin to believe their own lies and gain sympathy and help from soft hearted people who want to do the right thing.

And then, when everything unravels, and the people who have been helping them, start to realize the actual truth about them, and who they are actually dealing with, they will turn on those people too. And the cycle of abuse starts all over again and again and again with new people.

Over the past 2.5 years I've read a ton of articles about different mood disorders but have never really been able to nail the experiences I have with this guy on the head.  Well, this hit home.  Every sentence in the above paragraphs are what I go through on an oh-so regular basis.  I feel a little more at ease knowing that there's nothing that will change him.  He will never seek medication or therapy.  He will just bully me in every aspect of my life and I've detached so much but he's even punishing me for that.  There's no winning.

No one reads this blog and that's probably a good thing.  I started it because I had to go to court last year for major charges pressed against me by him over and incident that didn't really occur.  Since then I've documented everything I possibly could to protect me and my children.  Had I been found guilty my life would be altered negatively forever.  He ruined parts of my life and mocks me for it every time he gets mad.  It doesn't make me mad anymore.  I just stopped loving him...or hoping for him.  As I re-read what I just wrote I want to include that my life, as sad as I feel right now, isn't ruined.  It's just harder than it's ever been.  I had some sort of spiritual epiphany the other day while showering and realized that what he did to me is a blessing.  It made me remove my rose colored glasses and everlasting pathetic hope.  It took a very long time to get where I am now and I'm not where I want to be because I'm 30 weeks pregnant and unable to find a job.  He's living here, moved himself in a few weeks ago when I asked him to babysit, and refuses to leave.  I'm so drained I don't know what to do and my anxiety is so high that I went on Zoloft last Friday just so that my heart would stop palpating.  He can't ever find that out because he'll mock me and call them my "anti-psychotics."  Why am I so miserable?  Because I want to move on but I'm stuck for the next 4-5 months.  I just want to be happy and he is such a leech who sucks all the happiness out of everyone around him.

We're walking on eggshells all the time.      

Good morning!!

I've been up all night...getting harassed through text of course about how wrong dildos and masturbation are. Then when I respond and tell him how juvenile he is he tells me I'm crazy and asks if I need medication since I'd rather "fuck inanimate objects." I cant medicate myself to heal his insanity. I don't even own a dildo. I was just asking questions.

I can't wait until 6am so I can call TMobile and block his number. Of course, why wouldn't he break his promise to not harass me through text anymore? Why do I have to put up with this? Seriously. Sometimes I think God wants me to die of an anxiety attack. I don't care if that sounds crazy, I put up with this madness because I have no one to help me. But this guy just wants to help me right off a cliff. Idk what to do anymore. I just need an opportunity that no one will give me because I'm pregnant.

I'm so tired.

And Silas peed in the potty last night.

Questions to Judge Your Relationship

Is your boyfriend often indifferent to your activities, interests, ideas, feelings, or problems?
Yes.  He is completely dismissive of these things unless he agrees with them.
Does he compromise in little things, such as where to go or what to do?
No.  If I'm uncomfortable somewhere he tells me to leave.
Is he selfish?
Yes.  Currently, he does not ask about my pregnancy because "it has nothing to do with" him.
Have you often been very disappointed, hurt, or upset by him?
I've never been so disappointed, hurt, or upset by anyone else in my life.  I spend a good majority of my days feeling regret over ever being with him and then I feel guilty because I don't regret Silas.
Do you often feel manipulated?
I NEVER get to do what I want or what's best for me when he's around, so yes.
Can he admit to making mistakes and apologize?
He's never admitted a mistake.  He's apologized on 4 separate occasions, each time saying, "I'm sorry for whatever it is I contributed to us fighting."  He never owns anything or seems to know what it is he did wrong.
Can he forgive you?
No.  Absolutely not.
How does he treat you when:
He feels angry?
When he's angry he uses his time with Silas to verbally assault me through text/email.  He's also had Silas dedicated behind my back, kept him illegally, (due to our court order) for an entire weekend while I was nursing, and taken him to the ER claiming Silas was suffering from an overdose, (although he was not currently taking any medication) to try and get Silas taken away from me.  He intimidates me and embarrasses me online and talks to me like an idiot in public.  He makes up stories about me to authorities and mutual friends to get people against me or get me in trouble.
Things go wrong?
See above paragraph.
You have many problems?
He withdraws.
When you feel upset or depressed?
He yells or laughs at me and then withdraws.
Does he show patience in anger? Hit walls, throw or break objects, or hurt animals in anger?
He pushes me, throws his hands in the air, and yells, "get your hands off of me!!"
Does he become angry frequently or unnecessarily?
Anytime I show emotion he loses control.
Is his anger sometimes very intense?
He threatened my life on a public forum so I stayed at my friend's house overnight, so I'd say yes.
How does he treat other people when he feels angry?
He yells at and insults them, then shuts them out of his life until they come to him.
Has he threatened, intimidated, or hit you or anyone else?
All of the above.
Can you spontaneously say what you feel, or do certain topics result in bad feelings or trouble?
I walk on eggshells and if I don't it's a disaster.
Is he open to your expressing your needs in the relationship, or occasionally unwilling to listen and discuss things?
He criticizes me if I have needs.
Can you discuss and resolve problems and sensitive issues?
I don't bother because he'll just blow up and blame me for everything.
Do you both compromise or does he always dominate and you give in?
I give in to keep the peace.
Do you trust him?
NO
Is he honest and dependable?
NO
Have there been many lies or deceptions by not telling the whole truth?
YES
Do you feel comfortable and relaxed when you are together?
I feel ugly, incompetent, scared, and stupid.
Can you enjoy yourself and have fun?
No.  One wrong move and he'll call the cops with some random and ridiculous story.
Does he show good judgment that considers the future consequences of his actions on both of you?
He doesn't ever plan for the future.
Does he have an alcohol or drug problem?
I've been told he is an alcoholic by a few alcoholics.
Do you respect each other’s values and goals?
I respect his.
Does he bring out the best in you or does he bring out negative things?
He brings out nothing in me.  I've learned to act like a robot around him.
Does this contribute to your problems, such as depression or low self-esteem?
My self esteem has been replaced by anxiety.  Some days I don't even want to leave my house because I have developed such a complex.
Are you both proud to be seen together?
No.  I immediately feel negatively judged because of all the horrible things he tells people about me.