Everything my dad taught me not to be, he is, and so is every douchebag I've ever dated. Lazy, controlling, a drunk, mentally abusive, disgusted by lazy people, racist, narcissistic, angry, thoughtless, and cheap. The great thing about it is that I'm not any of these things, but the older I become the less I can tolerate these behaviors. Actually, I can't tolerate them at all anymore. I hear my dad's voice saying, "these people treat you like garbage. They're complete garbage. That guy's self centered and worthless. He's 34 years old, can't hold a job, doesn't have a car or his own place, he's fat and lazy, lives off his mom, and pulls the 'feel sorry for me I didn't have a dad' act." My dad's dad left him and his four younger brothers 28 years ago and he still holds a grudge about it because his dad took all his younger brothers money from their bank accounts. My dad drinks everyday, he wouldn't call to check on me if I was quadriplegic, if anyone has a problem he says they did it to themselves, he took all my money out of my savings and spent it on his mail order bride, he can't even figure out how to fill a nail hole in the wall, but he'll save hundreds of blue bags filled with recyclables in his garage for the extra change. Over the past year I've had zero relationship with my dad and for whatever reason, that's helped me a lot with letting go of guys who are wrong for me. So, thanks dad for not being there for me. Ever. You've made me a great mom and over the next few years I'll move on with my life and find a guy who is good to me because I'm done dating guys like you.
This was me a year ago.
I'm not "there" anymore.
For the past 34 hours I've been feeling like this is too good to be true. He's gone. He moved out. Although he's still saying that my landlord needs to evict him, (control issue) he doesn't. The landlord evicted him in November 2010 and therefore him being here is trespassing. The criminal kind. There's probably been about a 30min total where I've felt...I don't know...hurt? Sad? I am human, it would be weird if I didn't feel any negative emotion over this, or would it?
I feel: used, betrayed, controlled, manipulated, disgusted, dirty, embarrassed, sad for Silas and Stella, worried that they'll be utterly damaged by their dad, ugly, below average, rejected, and stupid.
And although I feel all these things, something inside me has changed and I feel too strong to let my feelings control me. Almost like I acknowledge that they're there but they don't define me. I've never been able to really do this before. Usually, a break up defines me...if I truly loved the person...and it takes a very long time to run it's course through me. This time that's not happening because I know all the anxiety, stress, pain, drama, and depression I went through was ultimately something I went through for someone else. I kept thinking that the more I took, the more he'd realize how awesome these kids and I are and he'd snap out of it. When times were good I would hope that they'd never change and I'd tell him he was my best bud. In past relationships I was a fuckin' jerk. Constantly. I thought whoever I was with needed to prove something to me. I was young and ignorant and super insecure. I just figured he needed persistence like I needed back then, but he's too old and too deep into it, and the extent of maliciousness he goes to is extreme. That's the scary part. Most people can take a step back and realize that they screwed up but he doesn't have that ability. I learned that nothing is all I can do. He and his mom are going to be beyond furious and over dramatic when they're not included in Stella's birth or even the signing of the birth certificate. They're going to try to keep Silas from me, they're going to tell me what a horrible person I am, he's going to post my first and last name all over facebook, and they're going to take no responsibility for the way they've treated me and more importantly my kids. And you know what? Now that I know what to expect I don't care how they behave. I know I'm making the right decisions this time. Doing everything their way, being constantly manipulated, treating them how I wanted to be treated go me exactly where I am. Doing it on my own for the 4th time.
But it's better this way. I don't have to deal with things like this anymore.
