I'm not ready for all this growing up nonsense.

Two nights ago, Silas gave his dad and me REAL kisses.  He tried to open mouth kiss me, which was super cute, so I kept showing him how to smooch and he did it!!!  He's the best baby even though he's not really a baby anymore.  He whispered "pee-sa" a few nights ago as he took a piece of pizza off of my plate.  I loved it.

Chris and Kelsey always want to be out and about.  Not that they hate home, but they want to be with their friends.  I don't know how to manage it.  There's one rule involved...I don't let them go to anyone's house who's parents I'm not friends with.  So...they can only go to 3 houses...oops.  Other parents are weird though.  They just drop their kids off wherever, whenever, with whoever and never meet the other parents.  I don't understand it.  I was pretty sheltered when I was growing up.  My mom used to say I was her favorite person in the world and she wouldn't just share me with anyone.  I guess I'm the same way now.  One time I let Kelsey have a classmate over for a "play date."  The little girl's dad is a social worker...he didn't even come in and meet me...and while the girls were playing Barbies in Kelsey's room I overheard the little girl say, "Dad!!!  Mom's drinking beer and it's not even noon!!!"  Then, when her dad picked her up, he asked me out...and it's very obvious I'm pregnant.  Needless to say, she hasn't come over to play again.  Eek.  I need to get better at time management too.  Being a single parent has always made me pretty crummy at following a complete routine for them.  I just want them to be good people and I get a little/a lot stressed out about it.

Oh.  And I'm 27 weeks pregnant today...but I still can't figure out how I'm going to tell my mom...

Good morning!!

I've been up all night...getting harassed through text of course about how wrong dildos and masturbation are. Then when I respond and tell him how juvenile he is he tells me I'm crazy and asks if I need medication since I'd rather "fuck inanimate objects." I cant medicate myself to heal his insanity. I don't even own a dildo. I was just asking questions.

I can't wait until 6am so I can call TMobile and block his number. Of course, why wouldn't he break his promise to not harass me through text anymore? Why do I have to put up with this? Seriously. Sometimes I think God wants me to die of an anxiety attack. I don't care if that sounds crazy, I put up with this madness because I have no one to help me. But this guy just wants to help me right off a cliff. Idk what to do anymore. I just need an opportunity that no one will give me because I'm pregnant.

I'm so tired.

And Silas peed in the potty last night.

Ack, ack, ack, ack.

Last night, while laying in bed watching t.v. the conversation went like this:
Me:  "How often do you masturbate?"
He:  "Rarely - this conversation is over."
Me:  "................um.................why?"
He:  No response
Me:  "Why aren't I allowed to know anything about you?"
He:  No response

So, I got up silently, walked out of the room, and slept on the couch.

Today, I'm being told that I only ask questions like that because I'm insecure.  I don't really like providing too much information, (although sometimes it's funny) but I'm definitely not insecure in between the bed sheets.  And I'm definitely not physically insecure.  So I call that projection.  Since I refused to agree with him that I'M the insecure one, and since I refused to "get physical" with him again until he could be mature enough to talk about things like sex/masturbation/future birth control, (his answer is always "that's entirely up to you") he said he'll change his answer from "rarely" to "more often"...and if I have a dildo and use it then I'm technically cheating on him anyway.  He also explained that dildos are purchased in "smut shops" and only perverts shop in smut shops.  "Women using dildos are commonly viewed as perverts."  This things that come out of this person's mouth are comical.  I can't help but laugh at the ignorance, or at the fact that when I point out he's being insecure/irrational/verbally and emotionally abusive, he claims that I'm physically abusive.  I didn't know self defense was abuse.  I'm drained.  If I ever brought up/bring up the past, I'm berated, but everything's A-OK when he does it.

I'm real tired of people creating drama where none need be created.  All I ever wonder is if this guy's seriously behaving like this right now...there's people with REAL problems.  REAL ones.  Like, they're homeless, diseased, sick, unemployed, have sick children, etc., and you're throwing a fit about masturbation?  Are you the next Charles Manson or what??

GOD!

Why can't I either be left alone with my kids or just find someone normal?

Speaking of my kids...Silas understands the concept of "Tag."  It's adorable!  He only wants to tag people and be chased though.  He LOVES being chased.  He also LOVES when I chase him around while growling.  He laughs hysterically.  He laughs at everything.  I've never met someone who's so happy to be doing anything and everything.  Truly a blessing, as everyone told me he'd be during my pregnancy with him.

I'm beginning to think that Christopher's depressed.  Or just entering the awkward stage of life.  I can't tell.  He seems sad a lot, but says he's ok.  I could also be over analyzing him because I'm super emotional right now.  Maybe it's me who's depressed and I just want to make sure he never feels like I do.  I also want to make sure he never treats someone the way I'm treated.

Kelsey's just plain moody.  She makes me think astrology is real.  She's such a little cancer.  Sigh.

I don't like the name Stella sometimes.  I don't know.  I do like that I've gained 28lbs so far.  I don't look like I belong in a concentration camp anymore.

Is it bedtime yet?

I hate love. I'm not in it.

I'm at the kids dentist office for the third time in two weeks. Apparently, they only fill one cavity at a time and Kelsey had three. This dental office drives me bananas. Currently, there is a man in the corner on his phone talking about, "tapping that" and cussing. It's so ignorant I can't stand it. I'm grinding my teeth.

Everything else in my life has been going decent but I'm not in the right mind frame to enjoy it. Maybe it's hormones, or the constant pain of my ligaments ripping apart, but I feel very much like being left alone all the time. I'm so jaded. I continuously think I'm being cheated on and I feel super unappreciated. I just want to be taken care of. I get through it by telling myself that one day things will be beyond amazing, or I'll be dead one day and I won't have to deal with it. How sad. I'm not even depressed. Not even a little.

Stella, or Scarlet, is kicking like crazy all the time. Shes adorable. At night, Silas lays his head on my belly and watches tv. Sometimes I wish he could say more than, "mama" and "car." Sometimes I want to hear his opinions on things like I hear Christopher's and Kelsey's. But it's ok. He does everything on his own time and is super laid back because I'm not neurotic. Hes taught me so much patience and for that I'm lucky.

I love April.

My birthday is on Friday and I'm super excited.  I don't know why.  Maybe I just love my birthday.  I don't care about getting older.  I've aged pretty well.  So far.  And you'd never know I have almost 4 kids by looking at me so who cares about aging?!

The storm has calmed down quite a bit.  As it usually does.  I wonder how long the calmness will last this time?  I need a miracle.  I'd like it to last forever.  Or I'd like to just find someone else.

I had a creepily emotional day today.  Everything made me cry.  Silas refused to eat all day.  He wouldn't even take a bite of his Malley's chocolate ice cream with marshmallow on top...so I ate it.  I think he gets super stressed when I'm stressed.  He's so clingy when I'm upset.  Poor little guy.  I wonder when he'll start talking, but I kind of like that the only two words he can say are, "mama," and "car."  I communicate with him so well without words.  I know everything he wants by whatever noises he makes.  That's all that matters.

It's bedtime.  

Questions to Judge Your Relationship

Is your boyfriend often indifferent to your activities, interests, ideas, feelings, or problems?
Yes.  He is completely dismissive of these things unless he agrees with them.
Does he compromise in little things, such as where to go or what to do?
No.  If I'm uncomfortable somewhere he tells me to leave.
Is he selfish?
Yes.  Currently, he does not ask about my pregnancy because "it has nothing to do with" him.
Have you often been very disappointed, hurt, or upset by him?
I've never been so disappointed, hurt, or upset by anyone else in my life.  I spend a good majority of my days feeling regret over ever being with him and then I feel guilty because I don't regret Silas.
Do you often feel manipulated?
I NEVER get to do what I want or what's best for me when he's around, so yes.
Can he admit to making mistakes and apologize?
He's never admitted a mistake.  He's apologized on 4 separate occasions, each time saying, "I'm sorry for whatever it is I contributed to us fighting."  He never owns anything or seems to know what it is he did wrong.
Can he forgive you?
No.  Absolutely not.
How does he treat you when:
He feels angry?
When he's angry he uses his time with Silas to verbally assault me through text/email.  He's also had Silas dedicated behind my back, kept him illegally, (due to our court order) for an entire weekend while I was nursing, and taken him to the ER claiming Silas was suffering from an overdose, (although he was not currently taking any medication) to try and get Silas taken away from me.  He intimidates me and embarrasses me online and talks to me like an idiot in public.  He makes up stories about me to authorities and mutual friends to get people against me or get me in trouble.
Things go wrong?
See above paragraph.
You have many problems?
He withdraws.
When you feel upset or depressed?
He yells or laughs at me and then withdraws.
Does he show patience in anger? Hit walls, throw or break objects, or hurt animals in anger?
He pushes me, throws his hands in the air, and yells, "get your hands off of me!!"
Does he become angry frequently or unnecessarily?
Anytime I show emotion he loses control.
Is his anger sometimes very intense?
He threatened my life on a public forum so I stayed at my friend's house overnight, so I'd say yes.
How does he treat other people when he feels angry?
He yells at and insults them, then shuts them out of his life until they come to him.
Has he threatened, intimidated, or hit you or anyone else?
All of the above.
Can you spontaneously say what you feel, or do certain topics result in bad feelings or trouble?
I walk on eggshells and if I don't it's a disaster.
Is he open to your expressing your needs in the relationship, or occasionally unwilling to listen and discuss things?
He criticizes me if I have needs.
Can you discuss and resolve problems and sensitive issues?
I don't bother because he'll just blow up and blame me for everything.
Do you both compromise or does he always dominate and you give in?
I give in to keep the peace.
Do you trust him?
NO
Is he honest and dependable?
NO
Have there been many lies or deceptions by not telling the whole truth?
YES
Do you feel comfortable and relaxed when you are together?
I feel ugly, incompetent, scared, and stupid.
Can you enjoy yourself and have fun?
No.  One wrong move and he'll call the cops with some random and ridiculous story.
Does he show good judgment that considers the future consequences of his actions on both of you?
He doesn't ever plan for the future.
Does he have an alcohol or drug problem?
I've been told he is an alcoholic by a few alcoholics.
Do you respect each other’s values and goals?
I respect his.
Does he bring out the best in you or does he bring out negative things?
He brings out nothing in me.  I've learned to act like a robot around him.
Does this contribute to your problems, such as depression or low self-esteem?
My self esteem has been replaced by anxiety.  Some days I don't even want to leave my house because I have developed such a complex.
Are you both proud to be seen together?
No.  I immediately feel negatively judged because of all the horrible things he tells people about me.

In this moment I am happy and I don't wish you were here.

10th birthday success!!!  He got everything he wanted...bowling on Friday, basketball game Saturday, family party on Sunday, and the lego batcave. 

I did not get the job on Thursday.  They called me this a.m. and said, "good luck with your, um, uh, situation."  They couldn't stop looking at my stomach while I was training so I'm guessing that's what they consider my "situation."  I don't even care and was actually relieved.  I decided an hour and a half into training that I'm not serving for a long time...if ever again.  There's not even a word that describes how much I hate it.  And why am I serving with a medical assisting degree and cosmetology license??  

My ex keeps asking, "what are you going to do?"  I believe he's suggesting I take him back and tolerate his bipolar O.C.D. bullshit and I say fuck that.  Over the weekend I learned of ANOTHER girl who lives an hour away that he's been texting/hanging out with and has the entire time I was with him.  The things you can find out with a few clicks on facebook is unbelievable.  Of course, he tried to deny it even after I showed him what I found.  Stuttering, and making up the most ridiculous excuses I've ever heard, like always.  I explained to him that I wasn't showing him because I care, I was showing him so that he knows that I know, so there's really nothing to lie about anymore.  There's no feelings left on my end and I don't care.  For whatever reason, he can't grasp that and still continues to lie.  I don't even care if he lies anymore.  I'm done.  I love being alone.  I also love the fact that one day, when I'm not pregnant or nursing, I can date.  I'm excited about it.  I have interests, I grew up, I'm not intimidated by "good" people, I've embraced that I'm a huge nerd, am pretty socially awkward, am super quiet, and I don't want any kind of future with a bad boy whatsoever.  I've lost 95% of my codependency issues, I have no desire to "fix" people anymore, I'm ok with that if I'm going to be with someone it needs to be with a person who pays a lot of attention to me and dazzles my reputation in public rather than destroys me.  The core of me IS mildly selfish and I'd rather embrace THAT than hide it by being in relationships where I have to take care of the other person as if I'm their parent.  Gross.

And after this blog, I'm never swearing again.  I don't know where that came from, but it's so uneducated, and it reminds me of every trashbag I've ever dated.

Eeny meeny miney moe...

I can't make decisions.  I can't remember anything.  I daze in and out of reality.  Pregnancy brain is gross.

Speaking of pregnancy, is everyone pregnant?  I went to the park today and 4 women there were pregnant.  Then I went to Target and counted 7 women.  What is going on?

I want everything to be pink.  Purses, blogs, shower curtains, bed sheets, clothes, socks, shoes, bras...and I don't even normally like pink.  Eew.

I start a new job tomorrow, "if I like it."  What's different about serving here than at any other place I've served at I wonder?  I hope they don't mind that I'm pregnant.  I'm nervous they're going to fire me after a month due to my "performance" when they really just don't want a pregnant girl running around.  People do that junk and then I wouldn't be able to collect unemployment.  Then I'd have to be homeless.  I don't want to be homeless.

I feel like dumb and dumber right now.  I have to go puke and go to bed.

Something tells me I'm into something good.

I got an ide-er!

If I don't get a job this week, I'm going to file for unemployment.  Live off that and the rest of my tax return until after I have the baby.  I'm pretty sure it would last me until October...and then I could start nursing school and work on the weekends!!!

Why?  Why the heck not?  What's going back to school one more time going to do for me that the last two didn't do for me?  Give me a career!!!  Heck yes I'll take a career over serving until I'm 87 any day.  By the time I'd finish my degree my kids would be 13, 12, 4, and 2.  Perfect timing for cars, college, and (Dear God I hope not) teenage pregnancy.  Crap.  I hope my kids grow up and get a career BEFORE becoming parents but somehow I don't think I'm emotional enough on the outside for them to know how much I struggle.

I'm done whining about my ex.  He is what he is, and I don't ever have to be apart of it again.  That makes me happy.  It makes me happy to know I'm still a tuff kid and he didn't ruin me.

His mom should've taught him that though.  My mom did.  Thank God.

And this baby's getting MY last name, dammit.  I said so.  I'm not playing chicken this time.  I've got names too:

1.  Stella (this is what the kids call her)
2.  Magdalyn
3.  Maris
4.  Aubrey
5.  Reese
6.  Scarlet (if she's a redhead)
7.  Sarah
8.  Allison
9.  Lucy
10. Adrianne

I don't really like any names...it's more like what I can tolerate...hmmmm...

Some days I don't know why I have ANY faith.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!  I couldn't really care less that today is St. Patrick's Day.  I'm only Irish because I'm carrying around a little Irish girl for the next 19 weeks.  My kids are with their dads today and I am still in my pajamas at 2:13p.m.

I'm sick.  As usual.  I've had bronchitits for 3.5 weeks.  I coughed so hard last night I threw up for 2 hours.  Silas had diarrhea all night which is super awesome to change in a half lit bedroom.

I'm jobless.  No one in the world wants to hire a pregnant girl.  They don't actually SAY that, but I'm pretty amazing when it comes to working and I don't know who WOULDN'T want to hire me.  Employers act like pregnancy is a handicap.  I have no way to pay my rent or bills.  So far, all I can think to do is put all my stuff in storage and live out of my car or go stay in a shelter.  I'm literally out of options and my brain is drained.

Everything always works out, but I don't want to rely on anyone and I don't have anyone to rely on anyway.  I just want a job.  I'm not asking for much.  I'm not asking for someone to love me, or take care of me, or make this pregnancy the one I've never had, I just need a job.

I went to the ultrasound apt on Tuesday, (alone) and found out that baby's "absolutely perfect."  I still cried.  I can't stand how horrible I'm treated while carrying this "perfect" little creature.  People are fucking stupid, have no priorities, and take everything for granted.  By people, I mean my ex, and every other deadbeat douchebag who doesn't give a shit about anyone but themselves.

I'm annoyed now.  Even more so than I was before.  It's nap time.  Again.

It even hurts when I hold my breath.

The past 3 days have hurt me beyond words. I am strangely trying to feel the pain, rather than push it away, so that I can remember how it feels, and so I stop repeating my mistakes.
He tried to move back in with me for 6 months. Every month I said no. Every month I opened up and revealed another reason why I couldn't allow it.  And every month, regarding how much he told me he wanted to be a family, he broke up with me, belittled me, embarrassed me, and broke me down. And what happened? I really needed him. I lost my job, I'm struggling through a high risk pregnancy, my immune system despises me lately so I thought, "maybe this is God's way of telling me I need to let go and trust my ex." So I did. I allowed him to begin moving in. I begin spending money on things I needed but haven't had the money to buy due to one income. And what happens? His "good friend" dies and within 4 days his behavior towards the "family" turns cold. He turns his back on my kids because he couldn't figure out which one of them ate his reese cup. He tells them he can't live here because theyre liars. He becomes infuriated with me because I had bronchitis and was unable to make him dinner. He spends the night at his moms, "doing laundry." He attends a funeral and when I ask to go along with him, he refuses. And he refused because of his ex.

After I told him his behavior was unacceptable and that grieving is no excuse to rekindle old flames, he put two status updates about me on facebook. This couldn't be more painful to me. Why? He carries a gun and mirrors Drew Peterson. It terrifies me to have someone use my whole name, making horrible and false accusations about me, putting pregnant me and my kids in danger, and then watching onlookers diagnose me, encourage him, and call him a good dad. More than a dozen people on his page prove to be as jacked up as he is and what any or all of them could do to me and my kids scares the life out of me.
What good dad endangers their infant and unborn child on a social networking site? What good dad claims their pregnant ex needs to be disposed of? What good dad calls someone trashy, a hussy, a psycho, white trash, a cunt, etc.? He's displaying the behaviors he claims I am. And no one notices. I actually feel embarrassed for him and even more embarrassed for his "friends" who participate in this. They should all be ashamed. Anyone who was his real friend would remind him that his behavior on facebook last year this time is why he has such limited visitation. Good job, "good dad."

Good job. And real good job choosing to use your exes grieving period to weasel your way back into her life...choosing her over "being the family" you wanted for 6 months...choosing her over being involved in the pregnancy and the birth of your own daughter. Good job. His ex is so important to him that he had to rip me apart online because I defended the family he led me to believe we were.

It's just fuckin sick. I filed a police report yesterday a.m. and kept my kids home from school today because I am/was too scared.  And I don't know what to do anymore.

This is how a heart breaks.

His friend died and I wasn't informed of the funeral. He explained that it was because I've been mean to him the past few days. That didn't make any sense and then I remembered...his ex will be there. She's his one that got away. I casually asked if I wasn't invited because of her and he claimed I was being juvenile. Later on I checked his facebook and found out that shes been liking and commenting on all his updates since the day after their friend died. So...now hes using his friends death as a way to hang out with her. I took it upon myself to message her on facebook explaining how bizarre and inappropriate their rekindled "friendship" is and 5 minutes later, I received a voicemail saying, "We're grieving together and youre sending messages about..." I just hit 7. Seriously? This ex caused me problems from jump, like I deserved for causing Lacey problems, but he defends her to the end. It's absolutely gut wrenching. I've carried this guy's kids and he is all about his ex.

All the hooks in the bathroom won't hook you.

When I love someone I pour my whole self into them, their needs, their wants, their life. I accommodate my house to their personal belongings,  I fill my cupboards with food they like, I refill their maintenance supplies without being asked. I dote. I do their laundry, clean up after them, give them rides. I admire. I like skin to skin.

What about me? What about my needs or wants? Why don't I matter? And when I ask, I'm selfish, and when I cry, I'm a miserable person, and when I'm not included in their life, it's because of my behavior. What behavior? I have never had a problem admitting fault but I didn't do anything wrong.
I envision myself being happy and taken care of. Truly loved and adored even. I fantasize about it. Sometimes I feel it right at the moment I'm thinking about it. But no ones doing it. It's just something I do to keep me alive.

I just want the person who notices the little things and appreciates them. I want to be needed, not used. I want to be sheltered, not hidden. And I want someone who sees all the hooks and is thankful I thought of them.

Rise and shine...

I don't want to go to work anymore. I'm sick of not getting paid. I'm wide awake at 430am when I have to be up at 6am. I've been up since 2am, having anxiety.

I don't normally do this but I feel bad for myself. Yes, pity party for 2...considering I'm carrying a small person. I keep trying to calm down and focus on something bigger but my anxiety is out of control and my heart hurts. I keep seeing texts in my head that I shouldn't have read and I'm just plain hurt. I have no one to help me and honestly, I haven't had anyone to help me in 4 years. Or has it been 5 now... I can't recall.

Do you think youre indispensable and that no one can touch you?

Because I think youre disposable and it's time you knew the truth.

Thats how I'm treated. I needed to double check on the last 13 days being total hogwash so I spilled my guts. Released my fears.

"I'll just go find someone else." Was that the part where I was supposed to beg and plead he take away my fears? I just replied with, "ok," so 8 more times he text me about how I dont deserve him, I'm worthless, there are a million girls out there who don't lie, (because admitting your fears is lying...um...ok) I'm a waste of time, and that he deserves better than me. All I had to say was, "old habits never die, apparently." Theres really not much else to say.

My work is closing in 3 weeks and I've become a high risk pregnancy. Neat~O!! I don't have anyone to help me financially, no savings, and if I have to go on bedrest... I don't know if there will be a fourth.

Maybe I shouldn't even think about that.

Sigh.

It's a girl!!!

It needs a good "S" name. 

Dear Sub Chorionic Hemorrhage,

You're not taking my baby. He or she is currently kicking your ass and is 4 days ahead in development. I will continue to do everything I can on my end to help this baby. I'm not too sure how I'd pull off bedrest though...but please, leave us alone.

Thanks.

I should take my own advice.

But GOD, deep down, I'm an effin' chicken.

Geezus.

I filed a motion, worst case if he's found guilty he'll get fined, and he views this as comparible to him pressing charges against me for something I didn't do.  Headcase.  He's threatened to call the cops on me for, "anything and everything."  Ok.  So, now we're going to use the police to harass me...well...at least it will be properly documented??  Less work for me I guess...a positive in everything...

I rant and rave all day at my best friend, "stand up for yourself" or, "stop turning the other cheek" or, "do you think God would want you dancing pantless, wearing a clown wig, throwing a block pity party for these people...giving them more attention than you give Him??" 

I live in total fear everyday.  I don't speak of it.  I don't speak much of anything unless I have to speak to a customer.  I've totally bottled up all of my thoughts and they just run rampid in my little tiny brain all day and all night long.  But I'm scared.  I have a baby with someone who forces me to watch my back every second of every day.  I fear he'll do something like...fall down my porch steps after dropping off the baby, call the cops, and say I pushed him.  That wouldn't be the first time he's done something like that...it would be the 4th.  Then they'd show up and I'd be sitting here all fat and knocked up, eating a bowl of cereal, get arrested just because I've been arrested for DV before, and have a baby in jail, lose custody of all my kids, and have to figure out a way to take my own life in prison with a spork and a bedsheet before Birtha and LaShonda got to me.  I contemplate getting a camera to monitor my front hallway.  I have EVERY text and voicemail saved.  Yes, he's THAT crazy and it's making me THAT paranoid.  Who lives like this? 

I'm tired.

And to think I used to be absolutely miserable over being single and an only parent.  I never knew how good I had it.  What a shame.

To my sweet little sugar muffin precious angel honey baby sweetie cakes,

Don't you hate when people talk like that? Gag. Anyway. I'd really appreciate it if you stay put. You're super cute, extremely loved, and I'd really like to meet you in 28 weeks...give or take a week. You're bigger than they thought, however, it's way too soon for you to show up now. I am not a fan of whatever tricks are being played in there. There's nothing worse than seeing red...and lots of it. I am extremely proud to be your mom and I can't stand the thought of losing you. So please, listen to your mother! You'll learn they're always right long before you admit it...sigh. And thank you for being my baby.

Trouble is a bottom feeder.

I never thought I'd say this again, but I want someone to love me. I hope this is just the hormones misbehaving because for the past year I have grown to love being alone. Watching MOBBED makes me wish I had someone to confess their undying love for me. That show also makes me wish I would've became a back up dancer. I've become excellent at not longing for anything, (always just accepting) but a weak moment or two won't kill me.

I'm currently debating on whether or not to file a motion to show cause against someone for violating a parenting agreement. I have a hard time following through with things because I make decisions based on how I would want to be treated. But I would never and haven't ever treated the exes like they were pukey garbage IN REGARDS TO THE KIDS. Hey, I'm honest. And I'm learning that allowing this manic monster to rage and drag me around like a marionette is hurting all three of my kids. It creates panic and stress in the house when, "Mommy's crying because he won't tell her where Silas is." My kids are so well rounded...how did I do that...so wonderfully behaved and good mannered...they don't deserve the drama some guy causes.

I don't even know what to call this.

I'm fucking irate. This fucking piece of shit takes the baby for his visitation today, leaves him with his mom all day, harasses the hell out of me, calls the cops claiming harassment all while STILL texting me, so I went to the police station, showed them my phone, and they said they'll advise him to stop. Fucking psycho. THEN he texts me to tell me they're taking my baby to urgent care but refuses to tell me where, so I had to call hospitals, find out where my child was, and just show up. I'm fucking livid. I don't withhold anything from him regarding that child. Not a fucking thing.

And he told me he's seeing someone and has been for awhile. She, "knows all about" me. Fucking cute. Funny, he was, "so in love with me" last week. Batshit crazy.

If the stars were the only thing we had to share would you be there?

I read somewhere that a sign your child was being bullied is social network withdrawal. My mother hasn't noticed. I hate "confiding" in a blog. I fear putting my thoughts and feelings online. About anything. I have been so tormented and harassed by my ex online and offline that it's taken me 45 minutes and slight chest pain to get through writing this. I have become an emotional robot, extremely calculated, someone I've become proud of, but someone so controlled that I don't believe that can be something to be proud of for long. Why am I writing this? If he ever found this he would...make my life the hell he makes it with every ounce of personal information he receives about me. In previous blogs, which I greatly regret deleting, I've posted that I've never met anyone like this...vindictive, manipulative, deceitful, possessive, irratic and out of control. If there is a such thing as karma, I've gotten mine thirty fold. I'd like to say I was fucking difficult and crazy in previous relationships... I always sabotaged them due to low self esteem, but this guy... This guy takes the whole bakery...

I'm tired. I work a shit job, make shit money, and have 3 children. An overachiever, a future celebrity, and a natural born mechanic. I should have named him Carson. I should have done a lot of things...but that's a whole other post.

Something broke my heart today and my robot broke down for awhile. A coworker made a comment, "jokingly" but after last night's harassment until 3am, (that is how I'm repaid when I give him an extra night with his son...great dads spend their visitation time with their kids or so I thought) having to be up at 6am, bringing the kids to work, the comment ripped me to shreds instantly. The tears fell uncontrollably. I haven't cried like that in years. I haven't FELT like that since November 5, 2011. That was the last day I cried. And the last day I decided my ex would ever hurt me mentally again.

Finding out about the fourth has completely changed my life and I don't have time or effort for people who want to create drama out of boredom. I haven't done that since I was 25 and have no interest in ever behaving that way again... But this baby has hardened me in the way that I refuse to tolerate certain behaviors. I just can't.

But somedays...like today...the harassment I received last night, the disgusting words, and today's comment really hurt. No matter how much I'm unwilling to tolerate, no matter how much of a robot I've become, I have a breaking point. Or an aching point.

I hope the feeling of weakness from opening up subsides...and I hope I don't soon regret "confiding."

Happiness is clean armpits.

I couldn't be anymore irritated than I am right now.

I HATE hospitals. I never feel taken care of and they definitely don't remember anything I say.

X~ray during pregnancy?? FUCK!!!

Hopefully, like the miserable, underpaid, overworked assholes they are, they'll come back soon and try to put me on more medication that treats symptoms I don't have.

I need to go home.

The pain of staying the same, unbearable it became.

I've got some regrets I'm not done regretting. I've spent a lot of time being embarrassed about being a doormat. A lot of, "what ifs" and, "fuuuuuuuuck, now I know what I put that one ex of mine through" have led me to where I'm at now.

I am expecting a fourth, alone again, and this time? It was my decision. I do feel slightly sad, but I know this is healthier for me than being verbally and emotionally battered every other day...or every day...or every time I ask for a favor...who knows how often it is...the moodswings are unpredictable.

And I'm not fucking taking them. Excuse me for the Carol Brady, geisha girl, June Cleaver masks of my past...but I'm not that girl anymore. His loss is my gain.

Some people are incapable of change.

I hope I'm not one of those people.

Step 4 is stirring up some huge anger issues between me and my past.

I hate you, past.