Oh baby, you're not really a baby anymore.

Silas said, "I love you" to me last night!!!  Perfect.  He's been, "lo-law-low-ing" for the past 3 days and he turned it into I love you.  So precious!

The kids and I went out to eat with my mom last night.  Silas fell asleep in the car on the way to the restaurant at 5p.m. on the dot like usual and when we arrived he woke up and was a super sweetheart.  He was quiet...he's NEVER quiet!  He usually screams in delight with his arms above his head everywhere we go.  It's awesome and cracks me up constantly.  I've never had such a happy kid.  He babbled to my mom in an indoor voice, ate all Christopher's fruit cup and all 3 pieces of my sausage links, and drank his entire chocolate milk.  After dinner we went to the fabric store where Silas shrieked with excitement for about 20 minutes while my mom and I picked out fabric for curtains in my bedroom.  Oh boy, it's a pretty obnoxious pattern, but I'm excited!  My mom took Chris and Kelsey to her house with her while I took Silas to Hallmark for his baby sister's 1 year calendar and to Walmart so I could get a can of paint replaced.  He was such a good boy in both stores, babbling to everyone, waving bye bye, and only occasionally trying to bite and lick me, (sometimes he thinks he's a puppy - no joke) which was a plus for my hands and wrists.

Monday night I caught Silas in Kelsey's room brushing Barbie's hair with a Barbie brush.  He's getting ready to have a baby sister!!  Also that night I caught Stella Kat's foot through my stomach.  I did that with Silas when I was only about 18 weeks along with him.  It's the coolest thing in the world, one of those memories that always bring me back to the exact excitement I felt at the time I made the memory.

I love, love, love having a toddler.  I forgot how much I love this phase.  They're so weird, quirky, and lovey dovey...just like me!!!  I am so pumped about this new baby!!!  I had contractions 10 minutes apart last night for 2 hours until I fell asleep.  Hopefully, she'll be here soon!  

I may not have the best of everything. But that's just your opinion.

Thank God it's not 98 degrees today.  The heat makes me throw up spontaneously.  I have central air, another thing to be thankful for, but after it gets to a certain temperature outside c/a doesn't do much of anything.  Today was different.  Phew!  I was able to stay outside with the kids all day.  All I ever want to be is a stay at home mom.  I love cooking and cleaning and laundry and crafting.  I love that everyday I find another small project to complete.  With 3 kids I've compiled an enormous list of small projects.  I could keep myself busy for years.  I love listening to my kids' weird conversations and watching them play together.  It's gotta be one of the coolest things in the world to have siblings.

Silas makes a new sound every few hours.  I sometimes wish he'd put them all together and say what he wants instead of having mini meltdowns when he gets frustrated but I find myself loving, maybe a little too much, that he's still such a baby in some ways.  

He can say:  Ya, no, baba, momma, uh oh, oh, oh no, wow, thee kee (thank you), issy (sissy), bye, mmmnumanumanuma (he wants food)

He still wakes up for a ba at 5a.m. like clockwork.  He's been sleeping in his toddler bed...most of the time...but he often wakes up, runs down the hall to my room, and says, "momma iwa up up!"  I can't resist that!  He's my buddy.  I have a bond with him I've never had with my older two because they had each other.  I'm hoping he'll still be my buddy when Stella Kat arrives.  Right now he's not too fond of her...he yells "no" at my belly when he sees it.  Adorable!

I got bored with facebook so I deleted it last week.  Any way to keep my life mine is wonderful and gives me so much energy for productive experiences.  Plus, I'm just bored in general with social networking.  I'd rather get together with people in person than only online.  All in all I'm happy.  I went to the doctor last week and I'm 1cm dilated and 50% effaced.  He wants to induce me on 7/21 so Silas and Stella don't have the same birthday but I figure if I get to the 21st and she's still in there, let's see when she comes out on her own.  It no longer bothers me if they have the same birthday.  I can prepare a huge birthday bash just fine.

Yawn!  Nap time.

Day 10 minus the minus: I'm over it.

I don't feel like counting the days without him anymore.  I can't believe it's only been 10.  It feels like it's been 5 years.  It's so refreshing and relaxing I never thought a life like this would be mine.  I'm so thankful everyday.  Breathing isn't a forced effort anymore.

He tried to start drama with me this a.m. over the delivery and birth certificate, calling me cruel, lazy, worthless, sneaky and shady, you know, all the things that would make me change my mind about him being in the delivery room.  Genius.  I just don't even care.  I can't get back the 18 months of my life I harbored his children and he treated me like a whore and I'm done justifying it to him.  He can say whatever he wants just as long as he stays away from me.

This book saved my life.  It changed my perspective and helped me remove my emotions from the situation and see this guy for what he really is.  What a blessing.

I don't think I need to talk about it anymore.  It's a waste of time.  If something detrimental happens and I need to document it for personal/court reasons, I obviously will, but there's no point in giving him anymore than I already have.

My daughter turned 9 on the 26th.  Time goes soooooooooo fast, I just can't believe how big she is.  She's about a foot shorter than me and is wearing a size 3 in shoes.  I'm 5'5" and wear a size 6.5...Crazy!!!

This year's going to be a better one for all of us. 

Day 7 minus feeding into the bullshit: Hot damn, I'm awesome.

Last night my ex said he was going to wake up early today and come pick up the baby for a few hours before he had to work at 4p.m.  I told him we'd be up by 8a.m. and he could come any time after that.  5:45p.m. today rolled around and I received a text.  "How is Silas feeling?"  Silas was sick all day Saturday, Saturday night, and all day Sunday.  He had a fever and couldn't stop throwing up.  It's pretty exhausting to be pregnant with a sick baby.  I forgot about that.  It's been 9 years since my last round of babies.  I kept the conversation on Silas and asked why he didn't show.  He said that he didn't wake up in time.  Must've been another long night of peeing in bus stops and prancing around wasted with unicorns painted on our heads...kept my thoughts to myself and told him I needed a new car seat and playpen for Stella.  I said it would be really cool if he could contribute something towards her and that I'd greatly appreciate it.  His response?  "That sucks.  Why don't you ask your facebook friends for child support to get that stuff?"

Another display of awesomeness from the "conservative Christian amazing father" whose mother pays his child support...which they're 3 months late on...but anyway...

I didn't respond.  He's baiting me.  If he can suck me back in emotionally he can drain me until I break and he ends up manipulating me back into the relationship.  Eff that.  I've got the game he plays all figured out.  I'm a ex-blind expert at it.

I realized today that I didn't receive child support from my ex husband, or ANY support from him, for 7 years and it didn't bother me one bit.  Why not?  Because he was proud he didn't pay child support.  He "had alcohol to buy."  He never said he was a great dad, never pretended to be one, never made himself out to be anything, and I've gotta be real  honest...I respect that.  At least he knew he wasn't the better parent and stepped out.  And because of that I've never been angry with him over anything.  It's so much easier to accept a person when you know, and when they admit what they are, or aren't.

This time around with my ex boyfriend is obviously so filled with challenges, one of them learning to be ok without receiving physical or financial help from a guy who tells everyone he goes above and beyond to be a wonderful dad.  And on days he's not being a good dad he's telling everyone around him that it's my fault or his mother's fault that he can't be a good dad.

Other than all that jazz, life is good.  Silas is feeling better, I taught him to dance like a couple and he LOVES it, he's been a broken record of "uh oh" and "Nnnnnyoooo", and Kelsey's birthday is tomorrow.

They just keep growing up...

Day 5 minus antics: Life is flippin' good!

Silas threw up and had a fever about 20 minutes before we had to leave to meet my mom at breakfast for Kelsey's birthday, gave him some motrin, cleaned him up, and went out to eat.  He ate bacon, toast, drank water, and was happy as could be.  Poor thing.  He's one tough kid.

My mom bought a new house a few weeks ago and the kids have been bugging her to see it so we went over there for a few hours.  Kelsey got her birthday present 3 days early and all the kids are obsessed with it.  I think Silas views this bear as his new girlfriend.

We went home so we could all take naps but Silas just cried for an hour straight and then his fever returned. I suck with sick kids.  I become so anxiety ridden where fevers are concerned because my niece had a high fever before she died.  Ack.  It makes me sick to my stomach to write about her dying.  I'm just a nervous wreck.  I'm exhausted but refusing to sleep.  It's easier just to stay up and watch him.

I received a text today that I could've turned into complete drama but decided that moving on is being done.

"Did you really delete all my Mit Romney pictures?"

"They're backed up on my Carbonite."

"Can you send them to me when you have a second?"

Silence.  I wanted to say, "I deleted them because you deleted all of Silas' videos."  I wanted to say, "If I'm in no position to ask you for favors then you're in no position to ask me for favors."  I wanted to say, "Maybe someday."  I wanted to say, "I think harboring your children for a year and a half without an ounce of help from you was enough."  I wanted to say, "Are you crazy?"  So, I said nothing.  And I decided that as angry as I become when he baits me, because EVERY time he asks me for something he has the opportunity to bait me, I won't respond.  Ultimately, I know all the answers to the questions I wanted to reply with, I don't need to give him the opportunity to blame me for his actions which is exactly what I'd be doing by giving him a response.  You can show someone who you are until you don't know who you are anymore and losing yourself will never be enough for them.  

And with that, I wish you all a wonderful night.  I'm going to lay with babycakes.

Day 4 minus confusion: Oh the places we will go.

My oldest and I are sunburned a bit and, holy poop, it's uncomfortable to be burnt and pregnant!  My skin hates me during pregnancy anyway and now it REALLY hates me.  It's dry, stingy, and itchy.  Yum.

It was a great day though.  I find so much enjoyment in my children.  Everything about them makes me happy.  I hope that when I go back to work I find a job that's pretty flexible so I can be around them as much as possible.  I LOVE spending time with them more than anything in the world.  We went out to breakfast in Port Clinton and then to East Harbor beach.  Super long drive when you're antsy like me and forgot babycake's binky but we needed to get out of the house and far away from it.

I just adore these babies so much.  Getting out of the dramatic relationship makes me feel like me again.  I love to just sit back, relax, and take comfort in the little things.  It's just how I am.  "A pothead who doesn't smoke pot."

As pumped as I am to have this baby I'm not ready to deliver yet!  My body's behaving otherwise.  For the past few hours, it's been pretty difficult to walk.  There's so much pressure in my pelvis and I'd like it to stop!

35 weeks <3

Day 1 minus pain: Happy Belated Father's Day

Everything my dad taught me not to be, he is, and so is every douchebag I've ever dated.  Lazy, controlling, a drunk, mentally abusive, disgusted by lazy people, racist, narcissistic, angry, thoughtless, and cheap.  The great thing about it is that I'm not any of these things, but the older I become the less I can tolerate these behaviors.  Actually, I can't tolerate them at all anymore.  I hear my dad's voice saying, "these people treat you like garbage.  They're complete garbage.  That guy's self centered and worthless.  He's 34 years old, can't hold a job, doesn't have a car or his own place, he's fat and lazy, lives off his mom, and pulls the 'feel sorry for me I didn't have a dad' act."  My dad's dad left him and his four younger brothers 28 years ago and he still holds a grudge about it because his dad took all his younger brothers money from their bank accounts.  My dad drinks everyday, he wouldn't call to check on me if I was quadriplegic, if anyone has a problem he says they did it to themselves, he took all my money out of my savings and spent it on his mail order bride, he can't even figure out how to fill a nail hole in the wall, but he'll save hundreds of blue bags filled with recyclables in his garage for the extra change.  Over the past year I've had zero relationship with my dad and for whatever reason, that's helped me a lot with letting go of guys who are wrong for me.  So, thanks dad for not being there for me.  Ever.  You've made me a great mom and over the next few years I'll move on with my life and find a guy who is good to me because I'm done dating guys like you.

This was me a year ago.

I'm not "there" anymore.

For the past 34 hours I've been feeling like this is too good to be true.  He's gone.  He moved out.  Although he's still saying that my landlord needs to evict him, (control issue) he doesn't.  The landlord evicted him in November 2010 and therefore him being here is trespassing.  The criminal kind.  There's probably been about a 30min total where I've felt...I don't know...hurt?  Sad?  I am human, it would be weird if I didn't feel any negative emotion over this, or would it?

I feel:  used, betrayed, controlled, manipulated, disgusted, dirty, embarrassed, sad for Silas and Stella, worried that they'll be utterly damaged by their dad, ugly, below average, rejected, and stupid.


And although I feel all these things, something inside me has changed and I feel too strong to let my feelings control me.  Almost like I acknowledge that they're there but they don't define me.  I've never been able to really do this before.  Usually, a break up defines me...if I truly loved the person...and it takes a very long time to run it's course through me.  This time that's not happening because I know all the anxiety, stress, pain, drama, and depression I went through was ultimately something I went through for someone else.  I kept thinking that the more I took, the more he'd realize how awesome these kids and I are and he'd snap out of it.  When times were good I would hope that they'd never change and I'd tell him he was my best bud.  In past relationships I was a fuckin' jerk.  Constantly.  I thought whoever I was with needed to prove something to me.  I was young and ignorant and super insecure.  I just figured he needed persistence like I needed back then, but he's too old and too deep into it, and the extent of maliciousness he goes to is extreme.  That's the scary part.  Most people can take a step back and realize that they screwed up but he doesn't have that ability.  I learned that nothing is all I can do.  He and his mom are going to be beyond furious and over dramatic when they're not included in Stella's birth or even the signing of the birth certificate.  They're going to try to keep Silas from me, they're going to tell me what a horrible person I am, he's going to post my first and last name all over facebook, and they're going to take no responsibility for the way they've treated me and more importantly my kids.  And you know what?  Now that I know what to expect I don't care how they behave.  I know I'm making the right decisions this time.  Doing everything their way, being constantly manipulated, treating them how I wanted to be treated go me exactly where I am.  Doing it on my own for the 4th time. 


But it's better this way.  I don't have to deal with things like this anymore.

...

I'm flooded with emotions right now.  I'm so happy I don't know what to do with myself.  My ex, yes I can officially call him my ex now, moved out today, after yelling at me for 45 minutes and telling me how I was never the one for him, how's he's been miserable with me for 3 years, how he can't wait to "fuck other girls," etc., etc., etc.  The interesting thing is that he's always miserable "because of who he's dating" and as much as I pity the next girl, I look forward to the lack of drama.  And trust me, there will be an extreme lack of it once he finds someone else.  Kids are too much for him, especially his own.  Before he arrived for his things, (and of course to shower) his mom began texting me that he and I deserve each other, (she's so mad that I told her she encourages his controlling behavior by catering to it) and that she feels so sorry for her and the kids.  She fed me the perfect opportunity to shed some light on the situation.  "How could I deserve him?  I defend you when he writes status updates about you, I've done nothing but try to get you and the kids to have a relationship, yet you're the one letting a 33 year old's 'conniptions' override time spent with your grandson.  You're not the victim, but you've made the kids victims to your behavior now too."  She never responded.

The apple doesn't fall very far from the tree and as much as I used to never want to be like my parents I've learned I have some great qualities they have.  Had I embraced them sooner I wouldn't be in an abusive situation.  I'm pretty thankful right now.  He only moved out a few hours ago but the release of stress I feel is something I can't comprehend.  My kids yelled, "we got our life back!!!!!!!" when he walked out the door.  I had no idea they even felt that way.  Then they talked to me for about an hour about how he made them feel.  "He gets mad over everything, he was always yelling at you, we've known him for like two or three years and he's never tried to be nice to us, he's the only person you ever dated that didn't love us," etc., etc., etc.  I just sat there and listened.  I've been so depressed and hurt over the past 2 months from all the mental abuse that I couldn't sit there and do anything but listen.  And feel like a bag of wieners.  Kids are so forgiving because when I apologized for letting him around them they just said they loved me.

I LOVE them.  And I love that the one who's "never loved me" is gone.  I have $31 in my bank acct, no income, am 34 weeks pregnant, but I have almost 4 beyond wonderful and healthy children and that's all that matters.

...

At 4a.m. I woke up to a text from his mother stating she is not allowed to watch my kids this a.m. because he is throwing a "conniption fit."  He threatened suicide or to leave the state if she watches them this a.m.  I had somewhere important to be with a good friend and I didn't tell him where I had to go so this is how he reacts.  He claims he lives here for the kids but this is clearly not about the kids, it's about controlling my life. I text his mother back and told her he needs to get out and they can take me to court to try to modify his already very limited visitation that he has because he's mentally unstable.  Obviously, neither him nor his mother are fit to have children around for extended periods of time.  Neither of them can be the adult in the situation and she caters to a 33 year old and his temper tantrums.  It's unbelievable.  A few nights ago he posted something on his facebook status about the way he turned out being all her fault, stating she wasn't around and didn't teach him how to be a man, and that he's ruined because of her.  I defended her, and yet now I feel like she is partially to blame.  I don't know how or why you would let your grown child control you.

And then yesterday, during the process of him telling me that he cheats because I "suck in bed," he's a "status update away from porno sex," and the multiple suicide threats, I found out that he got fired from his tattooing job because he stole $400.  Amazing.


"I can still remember the first time I ever saw you.  I don't even remember the first time I saw my son's mother."

...

34 weeks today. <3

Depression is gross.  Mind games are even more gross.  Last night he said he'd move out today.  Today he took the kids for a walk.  There was no moving his stuff out.  Every night I'm stressed out because I don't know if he's coming back here or if he'll be back in a few days after painting unicorns on his head, peeing openly in bus stops, and waking up in other girls' blankets.  I'm sad, but I'm ready for change.  Change is scary, but so necessary.

I look like hell.  I'm constantly tired, my house is trashed, and I don't even care.

But I have cute kids!!

...

I feel completely defeated right now.  Drained, depressed, alone, irritated, and exhausted.  Every day is an aggravation because he refuses to leave.  If he's in the bathroom and I'm trying to tell him something he locks the door which means I'm supposed to stop talking.  If I put one of his belongings in his safe he takes it out and sets it on my dresser.  When he eats he leaves his dishes and cups/drink cans on my dresser.  He lays in the middle of the bed so I don't have any room.  He doesn't shower when he comes home from work and the smell of his feet/spilled alcohol/cigarettes nauseates me so I have to wash the sheets every day.  Yesterday I started washing all of the baby's big stuff, (car seat cover, swing cushion, bath seat) and I asked him if he could bring the swing up from the basement so I could wash it off.  He looked at me like I had 16 heads and said, "you're in no position to ask me for favors."  So what is it that happened this week that has him pushed over the edge?  On Monday night he left his email acct open on my computer so I read it.  Why?  Because he goes through everything of mine, he deletes pics off of my computer of my friends he doesn't like, and every time he goes online he hovers over the keyboard so no one can see what he's typing.  When my kids ask him why he does this he tells them it's because he can't trust us.  In his sent box he had 5 messages to personal ads on craigslist from March 29 beginning at 3:10a.m.  I was hurt.  I sat and sobbed for hours.  I haven't cried like that in awhile.  What hurts is that he's so selfish he would be with other people while I'm pregnant.  That's so disgusting to me that I don't even have words for it.  I guess I feel like my daughter and I are covered in other girls' vaginas.  I decided that there was no point in mentioning it because I'm done.  Tuesday I had the flu, and Wednesday I had an ob/gyn appt in the a.m. so I rolled out of bed and snuck out of the house while everyone was sleeping.  My Dr confirmed I had the flu and gave me an std test after I told him about what I'd found out.  I haven't received a call back which is a good thing but I'm really angry I had to get tested.  X called me 4 times while I was at my appt because "the kids want to know where you're at."  I called him back afterwards and told him I went to my appt.  He was mad that he wasn't included so I filled him in on the details and told him I had the flu to which he said nothing.  The usual.  When I returned to the house he asked if he could use my car for work.  I just looked at him and laid down.  He started to argue with me.  I wasn't responding so he started to yell.  Eventually, I explained that I had found out info about him and he is not to ask me for anything that doesn't regard his children.  His response was, "ok let's go look at my email and we'll see."  He opened it up, I looked in the sent box and clicked on each message and showed him.  He stared blankly at the screen and began to stutter.  "Those are resumes," he finally said.  "Really?  You send pics out of you kissing a gun, your phone number out, messages asking for you to be hit up, another that talks about how you don't write much because females rarely read it, and another that talks about how you're good, you're nice, you're fun???  And at 3a.m.??  Do you think I don't know why people are up at 3a.m. contacting the opposite sex???"  Silence.  Silence.  Silence.  Silence.  Then he asked to sit down.  I got up and went in the bathroom and started to cry.

He then told me that there were arrows next to the messages that said the message had been forwarded, (I forwarded them to myself once I found them the other night) and that the image number of the pic didn't match the image number of that pic in his phone.  I gave him that phone a month ago...the emails were sent in March...and his old phone couldn't send emails...so...his next reason for all of this?  I did it.  He said I broke into his email back in March and that I sent those messages out to other girls.  Amazing.  He screamed at me, he screamed at my kids and told them they were pitiful for comforting me while I was sobbing, and when I walked into my bedroom and sat on my bed he stuck his finger 2" away from my face and almost had his nose to mine while screaming.  I didn't scream back, I just told him to get out of my face and kept crying.  I told him he needs to move out and he said he's not going to.  He said it's his house and he's staying here.  I receive a food card and he told me that's his now too because he's a tax payer and I'm unemployed.  I called the police and asked if I would get in trouble for changing the locks.  They told me that if I do and he breaks in, he's in the right because he's established residency.  I need a place to go.  I can't take it anymore.  The crazy, the drama, the walking on eggshells, and at the beginning of the week his mom was siding with me and yesterday she went back to his side.  Figures.  Family is family and that's what they do, even though my mom would kick my toosh if I behaved like this guy...  I guess there are laws but they don't apply to him and I'm just angry all the time.  I'm so tired of the abuse and anytime I vent to someone they tell me I made my bed.  It tears me up inside because I'm the kind of person that would help anyone no questions asked and I don't even have the means to do it.  I've never once told someone that something was their fault and I've never given someone advice without telling them HOW to do it too.

I would be so grateful.

Now on to the important stuff:

Silas LOVES the beach.  I took the kids last Saturday and Silas threw the fit of all fits when we were leaving.  Of course, Chris and Kelsey HATE it.  They hate that there aren't water slides and they're not fans of the sand.  Lame.

  
On Tuesday night Kelsey taught Silas to shake hands with her when she says "nice to meet you."  It's adorable!!!

With as much drama as this guy causes, one of the worst things that happened this week was that I found out all of my videos of Silas are gone.  I use carbonite to back up my computer and the folders are there but they're all empty.  My hard drive was wiped clean a few months ago too.  I felt like something died when I realized his first year and a half is gone.

Tomorrow's another day.

...

Yesterday he went through my phone and started an argument with me over one of my girl friends texting me about her life.  He hates this girl and claims she's his "enemy."  He said that we are a family and I have to take on his enemies as my own.  I don't have enemies.  I think this guy is probably the only person I've ever felt I hated and most days I don't even care about him enough to give him my hatred.  He claims that I am not loyal to him by remaining friends with her and that I'm disrespectful.  Could this guy be any more like Drew Peterson?  I don't even get mad when he says this stuff.  I just think, "holy lifetime movie, this guy needs help."

Last night when he started in on me again, because he checked my phone again, and she had text me he said that he will find ways for me to prove I respect him.  I told him that he is absolutely batshit crazy, needs medication, and counseling, and that we'll will never have any kind of relationship that's worth "proving."  And in a healthy relationship, there's really nothing to prove.  This is just complete garbage, as usual.

This morning he came into the bedroom and said he needed to talk to me.  I sat up and he continued to tell me that he will not be disrespected in his own house where he's the only one working and paying the bills.  Mind you, he paid June's rent 5 days late, and only gave me $300 for May.  He still owes me $400 for May, eats the food here, and uses my car to get to and from work.  I pay all the utilities, for all the household items, and anything any of the kids need.  He also told me that while he's living here and taking care of "Dan's kids" that I'm to follow his demands.  He divided the rent by 30 days and will pay for each day if I follow his rules.  Today's demand is that I must add him on my facebook and send him a relationship request.  If I don't do that he's not pay the rent today.  I told him this behavior is exactly why I said he needs counseling and medication.  I made it clear that we do not have a relationship therefore I will not say I do online.  He said, "well, I guess you're not getting the rent today," and left.  After wrapping my head around this disgusting control issue I sent him a text that read, "For each day you don't pay the rent, you cannot use my car the next day.  You still owe me $400 for May.  I deleted my facebook."  He never text back, which is always the best thing.

I can tell this stress is taking a huge toll on my body.  I've been sick for 2 weeks with a constant headache, nausea, and for the past two days I've had constant chest pain.  I thought it was heartburn but I don't think that's what it is.  I went to the Dr last week and I dropped 3cm.  He put me back into the high risk category and sent me to a specialist to get an ultrasound.  

So, there's her lips, nose, and umbilical cord.  She looks identical to Silas.  It's so precious.

Mirror, mirror on the wall.

When they said soul mates look alike did they mean insides or outsides?

Or does soul mate mean you will continue to find the same type of person over and over and over again?  Since realizing I have 4 kids with 2 different guys who have the same personality type, (except guy #2 is WAY more verbally abusive/psychotic/selfish/immature) I have begun to figure out how to deal with it.

One day things will be wonderful.

Hey, I heard you were a wild one.

There's a little girl in there!  And I think she has a name.  I'm not exactly crazy about it but I've never been one to have a favorite anything so I let the Chris & Kelsey decide.  I REALLY trust Christopher's judgement because makes great decisions.  I have no idea where he gets that from.  He claims this baby girl needs a "big beautiful name like his because Kelsey and Silas have little cute names."  Ha ha!!!  This little girl moves constantly.  I don't know when she sleeps.  Maybe when I sleep, but every time I wake up she's tumbling around in there.  I think she might be more active than Silas and that's pretty tough to beat.

I am absolutely exhausted today.  I don't know if it's the med kicking in or if it's just the point I'm at in my pregnancy.  Crazy pants didn't stay here last night, 3rd night this week, so I slept really well.  No 2a.m. text noises seeping in my room from the living room.  I still woke up 4x to pee, read a text that said, "Not that you care but I had to walk home from work.  I had my mom come get me from Moon's but she left without me so I had to walk to her house.  I'm going to eat something and then I'll be home.  I didn't want to scare you coming in" to which I didn't respond, and on one of those occasions I had to grab a bowl of cereal because I was starving.  He showed up at 8:55a.m., started a pot of coffee, sat on the couch with Silas for 20 min., took a shower, drank his coffee, went and did who knows what in my room, and then left at 10:32a.m.  He uttered two words to me, "that's cute" when referring to Silas who was putting all his matchbox cars in a Lightning McQueen plush Easter basket and then dumping them all out...and repeating this over and over and over again.  I have to say it was like being in Heaven not having to hear him speak.

Here's to another peaceful night. 

  

This is what shock feels like.

Last night he came home early, showered, and left 20 min later saying he had to go help a friend and he'd be back later.

I called him at 8a.m. this morning and asked him if he'd be home by 8:30a.m. so I could take the kids to school without waking Silas up.  He told me the kids are my responsibility, that he only lives here so he can see them, but he doesn't have to do anything for them.  Um...ok?  You know, it's funny, people think I'm absolutely insane for allowing this guy back into my life after all he's put me through and after 2011's chaos, but the reason I did it was because of the kind of father he seemed to be.  I thought he was better than my ex husband, even though my ex husband never used the kids as pawns...I guess I had everything all wrong.

So I'm about to have four kids with two different guys who are exactly the same.  And maybe I give my ex husband a little more credit because he at least, 1)  loved me, and 2)  is an alcoholic and doesn't want to/can't stop.  I mean, at least there's a reason why he's not involved, not that that excuses it, but it does make it easier to cope with.  My ex boyfriend is just flipping crazy.  It's so hard to understand why someone would want to be like that.  Get help already.

After he told me he doesn't have to do anything for them he told me that I chose facebook over him and that he doesn't exist.  He told me I took a step in the wrong direction by not approving his facebook requests.  I told him I think I made a step in the right one.  I don't want him on my page after he's threatened me, name called, and harassed me on facebook.  So I'm being "punished" because I won't approve of his behavior.  The part of the conversation that I couldn't comprehend was, "You deal with Silas.  Have fun with that!"  Click.  I just sat there and thought, "wow...he's my ex husband."     

Just in case I am missing or dead.

I found a post in a blog the other day that really helped me understand the kind of person who's living with/off of me.  A woman was talking about another woman who has borderline personality disorder.  She recommended a book and listed the following information about it:

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorderhas been especially useful and full of tips on how to deal with the BPD person.

The most consistent advice for dealing with a BPD is to go no contact with them. As in, there is really no good way to deal with a person with this disorder.

These people will always cycle through friends, and find themselves at odds with everyone at some point. They "paint people black" who just a week ago they put up on a pedestal. They are always fighting imagined threats, always thinking people are out to get them, take things from them, talking about them behind their backs, or going to abandon them.

They live in these fantasy worlds where they are the victim and often times will regularly abuse the legal system by filing false restraining orders and claiming things like domestic abuse when in fact they themselves are the abusers.

They are the mothers with Munchhausen syndrome who are constantly eating up the attention of ERs from having "sick" children, and the attention seekers who tell so many lies about their "hard life" and how everyone has abused them that they actually begin to believe their own lies and gain sympathy and help from soft hearted people who want to do the right thing.

And then, when everything unravels, and the people who have been helping them, start to realize the actual truth about them, and who they are actually dealing with, they will turn on those people too. And the cycle of abuse starts all over again and again and again with new people.

Over the past 2.5 years I've read a ton of articles about different mood disorders but have never really been able to nail the experiences I have with this guy on the head.  Well, this hit home.  Every sentence in the above paragraphs are what I go through on an oh-so regular basis.  I feel a little more at ease knowing that there's nothing that will change him.  He will never seek medication or therapy.  He will just bully me in every aspect of my life and I've detached so much but he's even punishing me for that.  There's no winning.

No one reads this blog and that's probably a good thing.  I started it because I had to go to court last year for major charges pressed against me by him over and incident that didn't really occur.  Since then I've documented everything I possibly could to protect me and my children.  Had I been found guilty my life would be altered negatively forever.  He ruined parts of my life and mocks me for it every time he gets mad.  It doesn't make me mad anymore.  I just stopped loving him...or hoping for him.  As I re-read what I just wrote I want to include that my life, as sad as I feel right now, isn't ruined.  It's just harder than it's ever been.  I had some sort of spiritual epiphany the other day while showering and realized that what he did to me is a blessing.  It made me remove my rose colored glasses and everlasting pathetic hope.  It took a very long time to get where I am now and I'm not where I want to be because I'm 30 weeks pregnant and unable to find a job.  He's living here, moved himself in a few weeks ago when I asked him to babysit, and refuses to leave.  I'm so drained I don't know what to do and my anxiety is so high that I went on Zoloft last Friday just so that my heart would stop palpating.  He can't ever find that out because he'll mock me and call them my "anti-psychotics."  Why am I so miserable?  Because I want to move on but I'm stuck for the next 4-5 months.  I just want to be happy and he is such a leech who sucks all the happiness out of everyone around him.

We're walking on eggshells all the time.      

Handle others with your heart.

I lost my cool yesterday and I feel pretty bad about that.  I feel worse over the reason why.  After picking up my kids from school I told the kids how much I missed them yesterday and my daughter put her head down and looked away.  I asked her what was wrong...she's a cancer...something's ALWAYS wrong...and she said, "Daddy said you just want us all to yourself."  I have no idea why she would say that to me, daughters are mean I guess, but it set me over the edge and I said some things I've never said to my kids before.  I've never defended myself to them if their dad has said anything to them, I've never bad mouthed him, I've never tried to get them to see him for what he really is.  He saw them in March 2011 and March 2012, owes me $27K in child support, and if he doesn't drink he has seizures.  The kids have seen him "smoke out of something silver" and have seen him "fall a lot."  I don't even know how they remember such details when they don't see him on a regular basis.  Anyway, now they're aware of how he is, but not based on what I said about him, but by comparing what I do v.s. what he does for them.  My feelings are hurt and I'm sure hers are too.  I don't know how to address it right now.  When I was done "explaining" yesterday, Christopher came up behind me, hugged me, and said, "you really need someone to hug you right now."  He knows how things are.  He sees it.  The only "excuse" they've ever heard me say is, "I can't I have to work."  They've heard every excuse in the book from their dad.  And a month ago he told our daughter she's not his anyway so stop calling him.  Awesome.  Absolutely awesome on so many levels.  She doesn't even understand what he meant.

I was super crabby yesterday, ultimately gutted by my child, and then I got a facebook friend request from the reason why I deleted my old page and made a new one under a latin name.  Since he's here all the time, I approved it, although there was major hesitation.  Shortly after that he sent me a relationship request that I couldn't even acknowledge which led to a huge fight...and now I don't need to get him evicted because he's moving out himself.  It was pretty frustrating to get screamed at for 25 minutes at 1a.m.  And eventually I just looked up and super duper calmly said something along the lines of, "dude...you're a loser.  You're 34 years old screaming at me over FACEBOOK.  There's 3 sleeping kids in the other rooms yet all you care about is yourself.  So what if I don't want to be hip with you on facebook?  I'm embarrassed by you and I'm embarrassed I tolerate your bullshit.  I'm 30 weeks pregnant and THIS is the shit you put me through once a week like clockwork."  He about fell over when I said I was embarrassed by him and said that the way he treats me on facebook is MY fault.  I then reminded him that everything he says on facebook is actually a lie, it's not my fault that he's a liar, and it's not my fault he acts like trash.  Was that bad?  I'm sure it was for him because he walked out and didn't come back, threw a good ol' "fuck you" on his way out to which I replied with, "no thank you" and he SLAMMED the door.  Usually, the only emotion I have left for him is anger but I don't even have that anymore.  It's so much bigger than that.  My daughter is displaying daddy issues over some douchebag who doesn't really give a fat poop about her.  I don't want her to make the same mistakes I made trying to get someone to love her and mess up her life over a drunk.

And the new baby name list is:
Sasha
Stella
Kimber (Kelsey wants her to have a K name like her)

Whoremoans.

Some days I love being pregnant.

Today isn't one of those days.  I'm sick of being emotional.  Once a week I have some crying fit that lasts for a few hours and then all I want to do is take a nap.  But who can take a nap while taking care of 3 kids?  I'm stressed because I can't find anything to wear, I don't have any money to make new baby purchases, and I can't seem to make a decision about anything.  Every day while staying home with Silas I wonder what we should do today...all day long.  He always wants to watch t.v.  I hate t.v.  Hate hate hate t.v.  Yesterday I took him outside to play and about 15 minutes into it he went up to the front door, started knocking on it, and then threw a fit, (love those temper tantrums) so I gave in...brought him inside and let him watch some weird cats and dogs movie that he LOVED.  Whatever makes him happy I guess?  I just feel like I should be DOING something with him.  I bought a zoo pass last week, have been there twice, and he passed out both times in his stroller.  Sigh.  So, all I do is clean.  And organize.  And re-organize.  And throw stuff away.  And make room for new things.  I'm bored.

I am the queen of complaining today.  And maybe tomorrow too.

Thank God for Silas.

I can't stop being angry but I want to.

I thought that I'd get some answers today since it's Monday, but no luck.

Who just moves their stuff in and claims residency at a place they don't pay bills?  I don't understand how this is acceptable.  The police told me to get a lawyer.  What?  So that means that the next time I go to someone's house, I can take my stuff over there, say I live there, and the person who really does live there has to get a lawyer to get me out??  Come on already.  There'd be no homeless people if that were the case because EVERY one of them would claim residency at some random person's house.

I can't take it anymore.

Confessions of the chronic worrier...

Inside I'm an anxious mess but you'd never be able to tell by looking at me.

I breathe way too fast, my brain is scattered, I can't focus yet I can focus on exactly what I don't want to be thinking about, and my legs really hurt.

I'm trying to talk myself out of these thoughts and it's working to an extent.  But the more I talk my brain out of them, the more my body feels.

I'm scared.

Someone, the usual someone, is trying to cause damage to my life.  He's trying to get me evicted out of my house.  So much for making a deal with the devil.  He's trying to establish residency here so that I'm stuck supporting him too.  Who are these people that leech off pregnant, jobless, single moms anyway??

I don't know what to do anymore.  I never know what to do.  I get my life threatened constantly if I don't put up with him and I get my house/well being/emotional health/finances threatened if I do put up with him.

I feel trapped all the time.

I'm not ready for all this growing up nonsense.

Two nights ago, Silas gave his dad and me REAL kisses.  He tried to open mouth kiss me, which was super cute, so I kept showing him how to smooch and he did it!!!  He's the best baby even though he's not really a baby anymore.  He whispered "pee-sa" a few nights ago as he took a piece of pizza off of my plate.  I loved it.

Chris and Kelsey always want to be out and about.  Not that they hate home, but they want to be with their friends.  I don't know how to manage it.  There's one rule involved...I don't let them go to anyone's house who's parents I'm not friends with.  So...they can only go to 3 houses...oops.  Other parents are weird though.  They just drop their kids off wherever, whenever, with whoever and never meet the other parents.  I don't understand it.  I was pretty sheltered when I was growing up.  My mom used to say I was her favorite person in the world and she wouldn't just share me with anyone.  I guess I'm the same way now.  One time I let Kelsey have a classmate over for a "play date."  The little girl's dad is a social worker...he didn't even come in and meet me...and while the girls were playing Barbies in Kelsey's room I overheard the little girl say, "Dad!!!  Mom's drinking beer and it's not even noon!!!"  Then, when her dad picked her up, he asked me out...and it's very obvious I'm pregnant.  Needless to say, she hasn't come over to play again.  Eek.  I need to get better at time management too.  Being a single parent has always made me pretty crummy at following a complete routine for them.  I just want them to be good people and I get a little/a lot stressed out about it.

Oh.  And I'm 27 weeks pregnant today...but I still can't figure out how I'm going to tell my mom...

Good morning!!

I've been up all night...getting harassed through text of course about how wrong dildos and masturbation are. Then when I respond and tell him how juvenile he is he tells me I'm crazy and asks if I need medication since I'd rather "fuck inanimate objects." I cant medicate myself to heal his insanity. I don't even own a dildo. I was just asking questions.

I can't wait until 6am so I can call TMobile and block his number. Of course, why wouldn't he break his promise to not harass me through text anymore? Why do I have to put up with this? Seriously. Sometimes I think God wants me to die of an anxiety attack. I don't care if that sounds crazy, I put up with this madness because I have no one to help me. But this guy just wants to help me right off a cliff. Idk what to do anymore. I just need an opportunity that no one will give me because I'm pregnant.

I'm so tired.

And Silas peed in the potty last night.

Ack, ack, ack, ack.

Last night, while laying in bed watching t.v. the conversation went like this:
Me:  "How often do you masturbate?"
He:  "Rarely - this conversation is over."
Me:  "................um.................why?"
He:  No response
Me:  "Why aren't I allowed to know anything about you?"
He:  No response

So, I got up silently, walked out of the room, and slept on the couch.

Today, I'm being told that I only ask questions like that because I'm insecure.  I don't really like providing too much information, (although sometimes it's funny) but I'm definitely not insecure in between the bed sheets.  And I'm definitely not physically insecure.  So I call that projection.  Since I refused to agree with him that I'M the insecure one, and since I refused to "get physical" with him again until he could be mature enough to talk about things like sex/masturbation/future birth control, (his answer is always "that's entirely up to you") he said he'll change his answer from "rarely" to "more often"...and if I have a dildo and use it then I'm technically cheating on him anyway.  He also explained that dildos are purchased in "smut shops" and only perverts shop in smut shops.  "Women using dildos are commonly viewed as perverts."  This things that come out of this person's mouth are comical.  I can't help but laugh at the ignorance, or at the fact that when I point out he's being insecure/irrational/verbally and emotionally abusive, he claims that I'm physically abusive.  I didn't know self defense was abuse.  I'm drained.  If I ever brought up/bring up the past, I'm berated, but everything's A-OK when he does it.

I'm real tired of people creating drama where none need be created.  All I ever wonder is if this guy's seriously behaving like this right now...there's people with REAL problems.  REAL ones.  Like, they're homeless, diseased, sick, unemployed, have sick children, etc., and you're throwing a fit about masturbation?  Are you the next Charles Manson or what??

GOD!

Why can't I either be left alone with my kids or just find someone normal?

Speaking of my kids...Silas understands the concept of "Tag."  It's adorable!  He only wants to tag people and be chased though.  He LOVES being chased.  He also LOVES when I chase him around while growling.  He laughs hysterically.  He laughs at everything.  I've never met someone who's so happy to be doing anything and everything.  Truly a blessing, as everyone told me he'd be during my pregnancy with him.

I'm beginning to think that Christopher's depressed.  Or just entering the awkward stage of life.  I can't tell.  He seems sad a lot, but says he's ok.  I could also be over analyzing him because I'm super emotional right now.  Maybe it's me who's depressed and I just want to make sure he never feels like I do.  I also want to make sure he never treats someone the way I'm treated.

Kelsey's just plain moody.  She makes me think astrology is real.  She's such a little cancer.  Sigh.

I don't like the name Stella sometimes.  I don't know.  I do like that I've gained 28lbs so far.  I don't look like I belong in a concentration camp anymore.

Is it bedtime yet?

I hate love. I'm not in it.

I'm at the kids dentist office for the third time in two weeks. Apparently, they only fill one cavity at a time and Kelsey had three. This dental office drives me bananas. Currently, there is a man in the corner on his phone talking about, "tapping that" and cussing. It's so ignorant I can't stand it. I'm grinding my teeth.

Everything else in my life has been going decent but I'm not in the right mind frame to enjoy it. Maybe it's hormones, or the constant pain of my ligaments ripping apart, but I feel very much like being left alone all the time. I'm so jaded. I continuously think I'm being cheated on and I feel super unappreciated. I just want to be taken care of. I get through it by telling myself that one day things will be beyond amazing, or I'll be dead one day and I won't have to deal with it. How sad. I'm not even depressed. Not even a little.

Stella, or Scarlet, is kicking like crazy all the time. Shes adorable. At night, Silas lays his head on my belly and watches tv. Sometimes I wish he could say more than, "mama" and "car." Sometimes I want to hear his opinions on things like I hear Christopher's and Kelsey's. But it's ok. He does everything on his own time and is super laid back because I'm not neurotic. Hes taught me so much patience and for that I'm lucky.

I love April.

My birthday is on Friday and I'm super excited.  I don't know why.  Maybe I just love my birthday.  I don't care about getting older.  I've aged pretty well.  So far.  And you'd never know I have almost 4 kids by looking at me so who cares about aging?!

The storm has calmed down quite a bit.  As it usually does.  I wonder how long the calmness will last this time?  I need a miracle.  I'd like it to last forever.  Or I'd like to just find someone else.

I had a creepily emotional day today.  Everything made me cry.  Silas refused to eat all day.  He wouldn't even take a bite of his Malley's chocolate ice cream with marshmallow on top...so I ate it.  I think he gets super stressed when I'm stressed.  He's so clingy when I'm upset.  Poor little guy.  I wonder when he'll start talking, but I kind of like that the only two words he can say are, "mama," and "car."  I communicate with him so well without words.  I know everything he wants by whatever noises he makes.  That's all that matters.

It's bedtime.