...

Yesterday he went through my phone and started an argument with me over one of my girl friends texting me about her life.  He hates this girl and claims she's his "enemy."  He said that we are a family and I have to take on his enemies as my own.  I don't have enemies.  I think this guy is probably the only person I've ever felt I hated and most days I don't even care about him enough to give him my hatred.  He claims that I am not loyal to him by remaining friends with her and that I'm disrespectful.  Could this guy be any more like Drew Peterson?  I don't even get mad when he says this stuff.  I just think, "holy lifetime movie, this guy needs help."

Last night when he started in on me again, because he checked my phone again, and she had text me he said that he will find ways for me to prove I respect him.  I told him that he is absolutely batshit crazy, needs medication, and counseling, and that we'll will never have any kind of relationship that's worth "proving."  And in a healthy relationship, there's really nothing to prove.  This is just complete garbage, as usual.

This morning he came into the bedroom and said he needed to talk to me.  I sat up and he continued to tell me that he will not be disrespected in his own house where he's the only one working and paying the bills.  Mind you, he paid June's rent 5 days late, and only gave me $300 for May.  He still owes me $400 for May, eats the food here, and uses my car to get to and from work.  I pay all the utilities, for all the household items, and anything any of the kids need.  He also told me that while he's living here and taking care of "Dan's kids" that I'm to follow his demands.  He divided the rent by 30 days and will pay for each day if I follow his rules.  Today's demand is that I must add him on my facebook and send him a relationship request.  If I don't do that he's not pay the rent today.  I told him this behavior is exactly why I said he needs counseling and medication.  I made it clear that we do not have a relationship therefore I will not say I do online.  He said, "well, I guess you're not getting the rent today," and left.  After wrapping my head around this disgusting control issue I sent him a text that read, "For each day you don't pay the rent, you cannot use my car the next day.  You still owe me $400 for May.  I deleted my facebook."  He never text back, which is always the best thing.

I can tell this stress is taking a huge toll on my body.  I've been sick for 2 weeks with a constant headache, nausea, and for the past two days I've had constant chest pain.  I thought it was heartburn but I don't think that's what it is.  I went to the Dr last week and I dropped 3cm.  He put me back into the high risk category and sent me to a specialist to get an ultrasound.  

So, there's her lips, nose, and umbilical cord.  She looks identical to Silas.  It's so precious.

Mirror, mirror on the wall.

When they said soul mates look alike did they mean insides or outsides?

Or does soul mate mean you will continue to find the same type of person over and over and over again?  Since realizing I have 4 kids with 2 different guys who have the same personality type, (except guy #2 is WAY more verbally abusive/psychotic/selfish/immature) I have begun to figure out how to deal with it.

One day things will be wonderful.

Hey, I heard you were a wild one.

There's a little girl in there!  And I think she has a name.  I'm not exactly crazy about it but I've never been one to have a favorite anything so I let the Chris & Kelsey decide.  I REALLY trust Christopher's judgement because makes great decisions.  I have no idea where he gets that from.  He claims this baby girl needs a "big beautiful name like his because Kelsey and Silas have little cute names."  Ha ha!!!  This little girl moves constantly.  I don't know when she sleeps.  Maybe when I sleep, but every time I wake up she's tumbling around in there.  I think she might be more active than Silas and that's pretty tough to beat.

I am absolutely exhausted today.  I don't know if it's the med kicking in or if it's just the point I'm at in my pregnancy.  Crazy pants didn't stay here last night, 3rd night this week, so I slept really well.  No 2a.m. text noises seeping in my room from the living room.  I still woke up 4x to pee, read a text that said, "Not that you care but I had to walk home from work.  I had my mom come get me from Moon's but she left without me so I had to walk to her house.  I'm going to eat something and then I'll be home.  I didn't want to scare you coming in" to which I didn't respond, and on one of those occasions I had to grab a bowl of cereal because I was starving.  He showed up at 8:55a.m., started a pot of coffee, sat on the couch with Silas for 20 min., took a shower, drank his coffee, went and did who knows what in my room, and then left at 10:32a.m.  He uttered two words to me, "that's cute" when referring to Silas who was putting all his matchbox cars in a Lightning McQueen plush Easter basket and then dumping them all out...and repeating this over and over and over again.  I have to say it was like being in Heaven not having to hear him speak.

Here's to another peaceful night. 

  

This is what shock feels like.

Last night he came home early, showered, and left 20 min later saying he had to go help a friend and he'd be back later.

I called him at 8a.m. this morning and asked him if he'd be home by 8:30a.m. so I could take the kids to school without waking Silas up.  He told me the kids are my responsibility, that he only lives here so he can see them, but he doesn't have to do anything for them.  Um...ok?  You know, it's funny, people think I'm absolutely insane for allowing this guy back into my life after all he's put me through and after 2011's chaos, but the reason I did it was because of the kind of father he seemed to be.  I thought he was better than my ex husband, even though my ex husband never used the kids as pawns...I guess I had everything all wrong.

So I'm about to have four kids with two different guys who are exactly the same.  And maybe I give my ex husband a little more credit because he at least, 1)  loved me, and 2)  is an alcoholic and doesn't want to/can't stop.  I mean, at least there's a reason why he's not involved, not that that excuses it, but it does make it easier to cope with.  My ex boyfriend is just flipping crazy.  It's so hard to understand why someone would want to be like that.  Get help already.

After he told me he doesn't have to do anything for them he told me that I chose facebook over him and that he doesn't exist.  He told me I took a step in the wrong direction by not approving his facebook requests.  I told him I think I made a step in the right one.  I don't want him on my page after he's threatened me, name called, and harassed me on facebook.  So I'm being "punished" because I won't approve of his behavior.  The part of the conversation that I couldn't comprehend was, "You deal with Silas.  Have fun with that!"  Click.  I just sat there and thought, "wow...he's my ex husband."     

Just in case I am missing or dead.

I found a post in a blog the other day that really helped me understand the kind of person who's living with/off of me.  A woman was talking about another woman who has borderline personality disorder.  She recommended a book and listed the following information about it:

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorderhas been especially useful and full of tips on how to deal with the BPD person.

The most consistent advice for dealing with a BPD is to go no contact with them. As in, there is really no good way to deal with a person with this disorder.

These people will always cycle through friends, and find themselves at odds with everyone at some point. They "paint people black" who just a week ago they put up on a pedestal. They are always fighting imagined threats, always thinking people are out to get them, take things from them, talking about them behind their backs, or going to abandon them.

They live in these fantasy worlds where they are the victim and often times will regularly abuse the legal system by filing false restraining orders and claiming things like domestic abuse when in fact they themselves are the abusers.

They are the mothers with Munchhausen syndrome who are constantly eating up the attention of ERs from having "sick" children, and the attention seekers who tell so many lies about their "hard life" and how everyone has abused them that they actually begin to believe their own lies and gain sympathy and help from soft hearted people who want to do the right thing.

And then, when everything unravels, and the people who have been helping them, start to realize the actual truth about them, and who they are actually dealing with, they will turn on those people too. And the cycle of abuse starts all over again and again and again with new people.

Over the past 2.5 years I've read a ton of articles about different mood disorders but have never really been able to nail the experiences I have with this guy on the head.  Well, this hit home.  Every sentence in the above paragraphs are what I go through on an oh-so regular basis.  I feel a little more at ease knowing that there's nothing that will change him.  He will never seek medication or therapy.  He will just bully me in every aspect of my life and I've detached so much but he's even punishing me for that.  There's no winning.

No one reads this blog and that's probably a good thing.  I started it because I had to go to court last year for major charges pressed against me by him over and incident that didn't really occur.  Since then I've documented everything I possibly could to protect me and my children.  Had I been found guilty my life would be altered negatively forever.  He ruined parts of my life and mocks me for it every time he gets mad.  It doesn't make me mad anymore.  I just stopped loving him...or hoping for him.  As I re-read what I just wrote I want to include that my life, as sad as I feel right now, isn't ruined.  It's just harder than it's ever been.  I had some sort of spiritual epiphany the other day while showering and realized that what he did to me is a blessing.  It made me remove my rose colored glasses and everlasting pathetic hope.  It took a very long time to get where I am now and I'm not where I want to be because I'm 30 weeks pregnant and unable to find a job.  He's living here, moved himself in a few weeks ago when I asked him to babysit, and refuses to leave.  I'm so drained I don't know what to do and my anxiety is so high that I went on Zoloft last Friday just so that my heart would stop palpating.  He can't ever find that out because he'll mock me and call them my "anti-psychotics."  Why am I so miserable?  Because I want to move on but I'm stuck for the next 4-5 months.  I just want to be happy and he is such a leech who sucks all the happiness out of everyone around him.

We're walking on eggshells all the time.      

Handle others with your heart.

I lost my cool yesterday and I feel pretty bad about that.  I feel worse over the reason why.  After picking up my kids from school I told the kids how much I missed them yesterday and my daughter put her head down and looked away.  I asked her what was wrong...she's a cancer...something's ALWAYS wrong...and she said, "Daddy said you just want us all to yourself."  I have no idea why she would say that to me, daughters are mean I guess, but it set me over the edge and I said some things I've never said to my kids before.  I've never defended myself to them if their dad has said anything to them, I've never bad mouthed him, I've never tried to get them to see him for what he really is.  He saw them in March 2011 and March 2012, owes me $27K in child support, and if he doesn't drink he has seizures.  The kids have seen him "smoke out of something silver" and have seen him "fall a lot."  I don't even know how they remember such details when they don't see him on a regular basis.  Anyway, now they're aware of how he is, but not based on what I said about him, but by comparing what I do v.s. what he does for them.  My feelings are hurt and I'm sure hers are too.  I don't know how to address it right now.  When I was done "explaining" yesterday, Christopher came up behind me, hugged me, and said, "you really need someone to hug you right now."  He knows how things are.  He sees it.  The only "excuse" they've ever heard me say is, "I can't I have to work."  They've heard every excuse in the book from their dad.  And a month ago he told our daughter she's not his anyway so stop calling him.  Awesome.  Absolutely awesome on so many levels.  She doesn't even understand what he meant.

I was super crabby yesterday, ultimately gutted by my child, and then I got a facebook friend request from the reason why I deleted my old page and made a new one under a latin name.  Since he's here all the time, I approved it, although there was major hesitation.  Shortly after that he sent me a relationship request that I couldn't even acknowledge which led to a huge fight...and now I don't need to get him evicted because he's moving out himself.  It was pretty frustrating to get screamed at for 25 minutes at 1a.m.  And eventually I just looked up and super duper calmly said something along the lines of, "dude...you're a loser.  You're 34 years old screaming at me over FACEBOOK.  There's 3 sleeping kids in the other rooms yet all you care about is yourself.  So what if I don't want to be hip with you on facebook?  I'm embarrassed by you and I'm embarrassed I tolerate your bullshit.  I'm 30 weeks pregnant and THIS is the shit you put me through once a week like clockwork."  He about fell over when I said I was embarrassed by him and said that the way he treats me on facebook is MY fault.  I then reminded him that everything he says on facebook is actually a lie, it's not my fault that he's a liar, and it's not my fault he acts like trash.  Was that bad?  I'm sure it was for him because he walked out and didn't come back, threw a good ol' "fuck you" on his way out to which I replied with, "no thank you" and he SLAMMED the door.  Usually, the only emotion I have left for him is anger but I don't even have that anymore.  It's so much bigger than that.  My daughter is displaying daddy issues over some douchebag who doesn't really give a fat poop about her.  I don't want her to make the same mistakes I made trying to get someone to love her and mess up her life over a drunk.

And the new baby name list is:
Sasha
Stella
Kimber (Kelsey wants her to have a K name like her)

Whoremoans.

Some days I love being pregnant.

Today isn't one of those days.  I'm sick of being emotional.  Once a week I have some crying fit that lasts for a few hours and then all I want to do is take a nap.  But who can take a nap while taking care of 3 kids?  I'm stressed because I can't find anything to wear, I don't have any money to make new baby purchases, and I can't seem to make a decision about anything.  Every day while staying home with Silas I wonder what we should do today...all day long.  He always wants to watch t.v.  I hate t.v.  Hate hate hate t.v.  Yesterday I took him outside to play and about 15 minutes into it he went up to the front door, started knocking on it, and then threw a fit, (love those temper tantrums) so I gave in...brought him inside and let him watch some weird cats and dogs movie that he LOVED.  Whatever makes him happy I guess?  I just feel like I should be DOING something with him.  I bought a zoo pass last week, have been there twice, and he passed out both times in his stroller.  Sigh.  So, all I do is clean.  And organize.  And re-organize.  And throw stuff away.  And make room for new things.  I'm bored.

I am the queen of complaining today.  And maybe tomorrow too.

Thank God for Silas.

I can't stop being angry but I want to.

I thought that I'd get some answers today since it's Monday, but no luck.

Who just moves their stuff in and claims residency at a place they don't pay bills?  I don't understand how this is acceptable.  The police told me to get a lawyer.  What?  So that means that the next time I go to someone's house, I can take my stuff over there, say I live there, and the person who really does live there has to get a lawyer to get me out??  Come on already.  There'd be no homeless people if that were the case because EVERY one of them would claim residency at some random person's house.

I can't take it anymore.

Confessions of the chronic worrier...

Inside I'm an anxious mess but you'd never be able to tell by looking at me.

I breathe way too fast, my brain is scattered, I can't focus yet I can focus on exactly what I don't want to be thinking about, and my legs really hurt.

I'm trying to talk myself out of these thoughts and it's working to an extent.  But the more I talk my brain out of them, the more my body feels.

I'm scared.

Someone, the usual someone, is trying to cause damage to my life.  He's trying to get me evicted out of my house.  So much for making a deal with the devil.  He's trying to establish residency here so that I'm stuck supporting him too.  Who are these people that leech off pregnant, jobless, single moms anyway??

I don't know what to do anymore.  I never know what to do.  I get my life threatened constantly if I don't put up with him and I get my house/well being/emotional health/finances threatened if I do put up with him.

I feel trapped all the time.

I'm not ready for all this growing up nonsense.

Two nights ago, Silas gave his dad and me REAL kisses.  He tried to open mouth kiss me, which was super cute, so I kept showing him how to smooch and he did it!!!  He's the best baby even though he's not really a baby anymore.  He whispered "pee-sa" a few nights ago as he took a piece of pizza off of my plate.  I loved it.

Chris and Kelsey always want to be out and about.  Not that they hate home, but they want to be with their friends.  I don't know how to manage it.  There's one rule involved...I don't let them go to anyone's house who's parents I'm not friends with.  So...they can only go to 3 houses...oops.  Other parents are weird though.  They just drop their kids off wherever, whenever, with whoever and never meet the other parents.  I don't understand it.  I was pretty sheltered when I was growing up.  My mom used to say I was her favorite person in the world and she wouldn't just share me with anyone.  I guess I'm the same way now.  One time I let Kelsey have a classmate over for a "play date."  The little girl's dad is a social worker...he didn't even come in and meet me...and while the girls were playing Barbies in Kelsey's room I overheard the little girl say, "Dad!!!  Mom's drinking beer and it's not even noon!!!"  Then, when her dad picked her up, he asked me out...and it's very obvious I'm pregnant.  Needless to say, she hasn't come over to play again.  Eek.  I need to get better at time management too.  Being a single parent has always made me pretty crummy at following a complete routine for them.  I just want them to be good people and I get a little/a lot stressed out about it.

Oh.  And I'm 27 weeks pregnant today...but I still can't figure out how I'm going to tell my mom...

Good morning!!

I've been up all night...getting harassed through text of course about how wrong dildos and masturbation are. Then when I respond and tell him how juvenile he is he tells me I'm crazy and asks if I need medication since I'd rather "fuck inanimate objects." I cant medicate myself to heal his insanity. I don't even own a dildo. I was just asking questions.

I can't wait until 6am so I can call TMobile and block his number. Of course, why wouldn't he break his promise to not harass me through text anymore? Why do I have to put up with this? Seriously. Sometimes I think God wants me to die of an anxiety attack. I don't care if that sounds crazy, I put up with this madness because I have no one to help me. But this guy just wants to help me right off a cliff. Idk what to do anymore. I just need an opportunity that no one will give me because I'm pregnant.

I'm so tired.

And Silas peed in the potty last night.

Ack, ack, ack, ack.

Last night, while laying in bed watching t.v. the conversation went like this:
Me:  "How often do you masturbate?"
He:  "Rarely - this conversation is over."
Me:  "................um.................why?"
He:  No response
Me:  "Why aren't I allowed to know anything about you?"
He:  No response

So, I got up silently, walked out of the room, and slept on the couch.

Today, I'm being told that I only ask questions like that because I'm insecure.  I don't really like providing too much information, (although sometimes it's funny) but I'm definitely not insecure in between the bed sheets.  And I'm definitely not physically insecure.  So I call that projection.  Since I refused to agree with him that I'M the insecure one, and since I refused to "get physical" with him again until he could be mature enough to talk about things like sex/masturbation/future birth control, (his answer is always "that's entirely up to you") he said he'll change his answer from "rarely" to "more often"...and if I have a dildo and use it then I'm technically cheating on him anyway.  He also explained that dildos are purchased in "smut shops" and only perverts shop in smut shops.  "Women using dildos are commonly viewed as perverts."  This things that come out of this person's mouth are comical.  I can't help but laugh at the ignorance, or at the fact that when I point out he's being insecure/irrational/verbally and emotionally abusive, he claims that I'm physically abusive.  I didn't know self defense was abuse.  I'm drained.  If I ever brought up/bring up the past, I'm berated, but everything's A-OK when he does it.

I'm real tired of people creating drama where none need be created.  All I ever wonder is if this guy's seriously behaving like this right now...there's people with REAL problems.  REAL ones.  Like, they're homeless, diseased, sick, unemployed, have sick children, etc., and you're throwing a fit about masturbation?  Are you the next Charles Manson or what??

GOD!

Why can't I either be left alone with my kids or just find someone normal?

Speaking of my kids...Silas understands the concept of "Tag."  It's adorable!  He only wants to tag people and be chased though.  He LOVES being chased.  He also LOVES when I chase him around while growling.  He laughs hysterically.  He laughs at everything.  I've never met someone who's so happy to be doing anything and everything.  Truly a blessing, as everyone told me he'd be during my pregnancy with him.

I'm beginning to think that Christopher's depressed.  Or just entering the awkward stage of life.  I can't tell.  He seems sad a lot, but says he's ok.  I could also be over analyzing him because I'm super emotional right now.  Maybe it's me who's depressed and I just want to make sure he never feels like I do.  I also want to make sure he never treats someone the way I'm treated.

Kelsey's just plain moody.  She makes me think astrology is real.  She's such a little cancer.  Sigh.

I don't like the name Stella sometimes.  I don't know.  I do like that I've gained 28lbs so far.  I don't look like I belong in a concentration camp anymore.

Is it bedtime yet?

I hate love. I'm not in it.

I'm at the kids dentist office for the third time in two weeks. Apparently, they only fill one cavity at a time and Kelsey had three. This dental office drives me bananas. Currently, there is a man in the corner on his phone talking about, "tapping that" and cussing. It's so ignorant I can't stand it. I'm grinding my teeth.

Everything else in my life has been going decent but I'm not in the right mind frame to enjoy it. Maybe it's hormones, or the constant pain of my ligaments ripping apart, but I feel very much like being left alone all the time. I'm so jaded. I continuously think I'm being cheated on and I feel super unappreciated. I just want to be taken care of. I get through it by telling myself that one day things will be beyond amazing, or I'll be dead one day and I won't have to deal with it. How sad. I'm not even depressed. Not even a little.

Stella, or Scarlet, is kicking like crazy all the time. Shes adorable. At night, Silas lays his head on my belly and watches tv. Sometimes I wish he could say more than, "mama" and "car." Sometimes I want to hear his opinions on things like I hear Christopher's and Kelsey's. But it's ok. He does everything on his own time and is super laid back because I'm not neurotic. Hes taught me so much patience and for that I'm lucky.

I love April.

My birthday is on Friday and I'm super excited.  I don't know why.  Maybe I just love my birthday.  I don't care about getting older.  I've aged pretty well.  So far.  And you'd never know I have almost 4 kids by looking at me so who cares about aging?!

The storm has calmed down quite a bit.  As it usually does.  I wonder how long the calmness will last this time?  I need a miracle.  I'd like it to last forever.  Or I'd like to just find someone else.

I had a creepily emotional day today.  Everything made me cry.  Silas refused to eat all day.  He wouldn't even take a bite of his Malley's chocolate ice cream with marshmallow on top...so I ate it.  I think he gets super stressed when I'm stressed.  He's so clingy when I'm upset.  Poor little guy.  I wonder when he'll start talking, but I kind of like that the only two words he can say are, "mama," and "car."  I communicate with him so well without words.  I know everything he wants by whatever noises he makes.  That's all that matters.

It's bedtime.  

Questions to Judge Your Relationship

Is your boyfriend often indifferent to your activities, interests, ideas, feelings, or problems?
Yes.  He is completely dismissive of these things unless he agrees with them.
Does he compromise in little things, such as where to go or what to do?
No.  If I'm uncomfortable somewhere he tells me to leave.
Is he selfish?
Yes.  Currently, he does not ask about my pregnancy because "it has nothing to do with" him.
Have you often been very disappointed, hurt, or upset by him?
I've never been so disappointed, hurt, or upset by anyone else in my life.  I spend a good majority of my days feeling regret over ever being with him and then I feel guilty because I don't regret Silas.
Do you often feel manipulated?
I NEVER get to do what I want or what's best for me when he's around, so yes.
Can he admit to making mistakes and apologize?
He's never admitted a mistake.  He's apologized on 4 separate occasions, each time saying, "I'm sorry for whatever it is I contributed to us fighting."  He never owns anything or seems to know what it is he did wrong.
Can he forgive you?
No.  Absolutely not.
How does he treat you when:
He feels angry?
When he's angry he uses his time with Silas to verbally assault me through text/email.  He's also had Silas dedicated behind my back, kept him illegally, (due to our court order) for an entire weekend while I was nursing, and taken him to the ER claiming Silas was suffering from an overdose, (although he was not currently taking any medication) to try and get Silas taken away from me.  He intimidates me and embarrasses me online and talks to me like an idiot in public.  He makes up stories about me to authorities and mutual friends to get people against me or get me in trouble.
Things go wrong?
See above paragraph.
You have many problems?
He withdraws.
When you feel upset or depressed?
He yells or laughs at me and then withdraws.
Does he show patience in anger? Hit walls, throw or break objects, or hurt animals in anger?
He pushes me, throws his hands in the air, and yells, "get your hands off of me!!"
Does he become angry frequently or unnecessarily?
Anytime I show emotion he loses control.
Is his anger sometimes very intense?
He threatened my life on a public forum so I stayed at my friend's house overnight, so I'd say yes.
How does he treat other people when he feels angry?
He yells at and insults them, then shuts them out of his life until they come to him.
Has he threatened, intimidated, or hit you or anyone else?
All of the above.
Can you spontaneously say what you feel, or do certain topics result in bad feelings or trouble?
I walk on eggshells and if I don't it's a disaster.
Is he open to your expressing your needs in the relationship, or occasionally unwilling to listen and discuss things?
He criticizes me if I have needs.
Can you discuss and resolve problems and sensitive issues?
I don't bother because he'll just blow up and blame me for everything.
Do you both compromise or does he always dominate and you give in?
I give in to keep the peace.
Do you trust him?
NO
Is he honest and dependable?
NO
Have there been many lies or deceptions by not telling the whole truth?
YES
Do you feel comfortable and relaxed when you are together?
I feel ugly, incompetent, scared, and stupid.
Can you enjoy yourself and have fun?
No.  One wrong move and he'll call the cops with some random and ridiculous story.
Does he show good judgment that considers the future consequences of his actions on both of you?
He doesn't ever plan for the future.
Does he have an alcohol or drug problem?
I've been told he is an alcoholic by a few alcoholics.
Do you respect each other’s values and goals?
I respect his.
Does he bring out the best in you or does he bring out negative things?
He brings out nothing in me.  I've learned to act like a robot around him.
Does this contribute to your problems, such as depression or low self-esteem?
My self esteem has been replaced by anxiety.  Some days I don't even want to leave my house because I have developed such a complex.
Are you both proud to be seen together?
No.  I immediately feel negatively judged because of all the horrible things he tells people about me.

In this moment I am happy and I don't wish you were here.

10th birthday success!!!  He got everything he wanted...bowling on Friday, basketball game Saturday, family party on Sunday, and the lego batcave. 

I did not get the job on Thursday.  They called me this a.m. and said, "good luck with your, um, uh, situation."  They couldn't stop looking at my stomach while I was training so I'm guessing that's what they consider my "situation."  I don't even care and was actually relieved.  I decided an hour and a half into training that I'm not serving for a long time...if ever again.  There's not even a word that describes how much I hate it.  And why am I serving with a medical assisting degree and cosmetology license??  

My ex keeps asking, "what are you going to do?"  I believe he's suggesting I take him back and tolerate his bipolar O.C.D. bullshit and I say fuck that.  Over the weekend I learned of ANOTHER girl who lives an hour away that he's been texting/hanging out with and has the entire time I was with him.  The things you can find out with a few clicks on facebook is unbelievable.  Of course, he tried to deny it even after I showed him what I found.  Stuttering, and making up the most ridiculous excuses I've ever heard, like always.  I explained to him that I wasn't showing him because I care, I was showing him so that he knows that I know, so there's really nothing to lie about anymore.  There's no feelings left on my end and I don't care.  For whatever reason, he can't grasp that and still continues to lie.  I don't even care if he lies anymore.  I'm done.  I love being alone.  I also love the fact that one day, when I'm not pregnant or nursing, I can date.  I'm excited about it.  I have interests, I grew up, I'm not intimidated by "good" people, I've embraced that I'm a huge nerd, am pretty socially awkward, am super quiet, and I don't want any kind of future with a bad boy whatsoever.  I've lost 95% of my codependency issues, I have no desire to "fix" people anymore, I'm ok with that if I'm going to be with someone it needs to be with a person who pays a lot of attention to me and dazzles my reputation in public rather than destroys me.  The core of me IS mildly selfish and I'd rather embrace THAT than hide it by being in relationships where I have to take care of the other person as if I'm their parent.  Gross.

And after this blog, I'm never swearing again.  I don't know where that came from, but it's so uneducated, and it reminds me of every trashbag I've ever dated.

Eeny meeny miney moe...

I can't make decisions.  I can't remember anything.  I daze in and out of reality.  Pregnancy brain is gross.

Speaking of pregnancy, is everyone pregnant?  I went to the park today and 4 women there were pregnant.  Then I went to Target and counted 7 women.  What is going on?

I want everything to be pink.  Purses, blogs, shower curtains, bed sheets, clothes, socks, shoes, bras...and I don't even normally like pink.  Eew.

I start a new job tomorrow, "if I like it."  What's different about serving here than at any other place I've served at I wonder?  I hope they don't mind that I'm pregnant.  I'm nervous they're going to fire me after a month due to my "performance" when they really just don't want a pregnant girl running around.  People do that junk and then I wouldn't be able to collect unemployment.  Then I'd have to be homeless.  I don't want to be homeless.

I feel like dumb and dumber right now.  I have to go puke and go to bed.

Something tells me I'm into something good.

I got an ide-er!

If I don't get a job this week, I'm going to file for unemployment.  Live off that and the rest of my tax return until after I have the baby.  I'm pretty sure it would last me until October...and then I could start nursing school and work on the weekends!!!

Why?  Why the heck not?  What's going back to school one more time going to do for me that the last two didn't do for me?  Give me a career!!!  Heck yes I'll take a career over serving until I'm 87 any day.  By the time I'd finish my degree my kids would be 13, 12, 4, and 2.  Perfect timing for cars, college, and (Dear God I hope not) teenage pregnancy.  Crap.  I hope my kids grow up and get a career BEFORE becoming parents but somehow I don't think I'm emotional enough on the outside for them to know how much I struggle.

I'm done whining about my ex.  He is what he is, and I don't ever have to be apart of it again.  That makes me happy.  It makes me happy to know I'm still a tuff kid and he didn't ruin me.

His mom should've taught him that though.  My mom did.  Thank God.

And this baby's getting MY last name, dammit.  I said so.  I'm not playing chicken this time.  I've got names too:

1.  Stella (this is what the kids call her)
2.  Magdalyn
3.  Maris
4.  Aubrey
5.  Reese
6.  Scarlet (if she's a redhead)
7.  Sarah
8.  Allison
9.  Lucy
10. Adrianne

I don't really like any names...it's more like what I can tolerate...hmmmm...

Some days I don't know why I have ANY faith.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!  I couldn't really care less that today is St. Patrick's Day.  I'm only Irish because I'm carrying around a little Irish girl for the next 19 weeks.  My kids are with their dads today and I am still in my pajamas at 2:13p.m.

I'm sick.  As usual.  I've had bronchitits for 3.5 weeks.  I coughed so hard last night I threw up for 2 hours.  Silas had diarrhea all night which is super awesome to change in a half lit bedroom.

I'm jobless.  No one in the world wants to hire a pregnant girl.  They don't actually SAY that, but I'm pretty amazing when it comes to working and I don't know who WOULDN'T want to hire me.  Employers act like pregnancy is a handicap.  I have no way to pay my rent or bills.  So far, all I can think to do is put all my stuff in storage and live out of my car or go stay in a shelter.  I'm literally out of options and my brain is drained.

Everything always works out, but I don't want to rely on anyone and I don't have anyone to rely on anyway.  I just want a job.  I'm not asking for much.  I'm not asking for someone to love me, or take care of me, or make this pregnancy the one I've never had, I just need a job.

I went to the ultrasound apt on Tuesday, (alone) and found out that baby's "absolutely perfect."  I still cried.  I can't stand how horrible I'm treated while carrying this "perfect" little creature.  People are fucking stupid, have no priorities, and take everything for granted.  By people, I mean my ex, and every other deadbeat douchebag who doesn't give a shit about anyone but themselves.

I'm annoyed now.  Even more so than I was before.  It's nap time.  Again.

It even hurts when I hold my breath.

The past 3 days have hurt me beyond words. I am strangely trying to feel the pain, rather than push it away, so that I can remember how it feels, and so I stop repeating my mistakes.
He tried to move back in with me for 6 months. Every month I said no. Every month I opened up and revealed another reason why I couldn't allow it.  And every month, regarding how much he told me he wanted to be a family, he broke up with me, belittled me, embarrassed me, and broke me down. And what happened? I really needed him. I lost my job, I'm struggling through a high risk pregnancy, my immune system despises me lately so I thought, "maybe this is God's way of telling me I need to let go and trust my ex." So I did. I allowed him to begin moving in. I begin spending money on things I needed but haven't had the money to buy due to one income. And what happens? His "good friend" dies and within 4 days his behavior towards the "family" turns cold. He turns his back on my kids because he couldn't figure out which one of them ate his reese cup. He tells them he can't live here because theyre liars. He becomes infuriated with me because I had bronchitis and was unable to make him dinner. He spends the night at his moms, "doing laundry." He attends a funeral and when I ask to go along with him, he refuses. And he refused because of his ex.

After I told him his behavior was unacceptable and that grieving is no excuse to rekindle old flames, he put two status updates about me on facebook. This couldn't be more painful to me. Why? He carries a gun and mirrors Drew Peterson. It terrifies me to have someone use my whole name, making horrible and false accusations about me, putting pregnant me and my kids in danger, and then watching onlookers diagnose me, encourage him, and call him a good dad. More than a dozen people on his page prove to be as jacked up as he is and what any or all of them could do to me and my kids scares the life out of me.
What good dad endangers their infant and unborn child on a social networking site? What good dad claims their pregnant ex needs to be disposed of? What good dad calls someone trashy, a hussy, a psycho, white trash, a cunt, etc.? He's displaying the behaviors he claims I am. And no one notices. I actually feel embarrassed for him and even more embarrassed for his "friends" who participate in this. They should all be ashamed. Anyone who was his real friend would remind him that his behavior on facebook last year this time is why he has such limited visitation. Good job, "good dad."

Good job. And real good job choosing to use your exes grieving period to weasel your way back into her life...choosing her over "being the family" you wanted for 6 months...choosing her over being involved in the pregnancy and the birth of your own daughter. Good job. His ex is so important to him that he had to rip me apart online because I defended the family he led me to believe we were.

It's just fuckin sick. I filed a police report yesterday a.m. and kept my kids home from school today because I am/was too scared.  And I don't know what to do anymore.

This is how a heart breaks.

His friend died and I wasn't informed of the funeral. He explained that it was because I've been mean to him the past few days. That didn't make any sense and then I remembered...his ex will be there. She's his one that got away. I casually asked if I wasn't invited because of her and he claimed I was being juvenile. Later on I checked his facebook and found out that shes been liking and commenting on all his updates since the day after their friend died. So...now hes using his friends death as a way to hang out with her. I took it upon myself to message her on facebook explaining how bizarre and inappropriate their rekindled "friendship" is and 5 minutes later, I received a voicemail saying, "We're grieving together and youre sending messages about..." I just hit 7. Seriously? This ex caused me problems from jump, like I deserved for causing Lacey problems, but he defends her to the end. It's absolutely gut wrenching. I've carried this guy's kids and he is all about his ex.

All the hooks in the bathroom won't hook you.

When I love someone I pour my whole self into them, their needs, their wants, their life. I accommodate my house to their personal belongings,  I fill my cupboards with food they like, I refill their maintenance supplies without being asked. I dote. I do their laundry, clean up after them, give them rides. I admire. I like skin to skin.

What about me? What about my needs or wants? Why don't I matter? And when I ask, I'm selfish, and when I cry, I'm a miserable person, and when I'm not included in their life, it's because of my behavior. What behavior? I have never had a problem admitting fault but I didn't do anything wrong.
I envision myself being happy and taken care of. Truly loved and adored even. I fantasize about it. Sometimes I feel it right at the moment I'm thinking about it. But no ones doing it. It's just something I do to keep me alive.

I just want the person who notices the little things and appreciates them. I want to be needed, not used. I want to be sheltered, not hidden. And I want someone who sees all the hooks and is thankful I thought of them.

Rise and shine...

I don't want to go to work anymore. I'm sick of not getting paid. I'm wide awake at 430am when I have to be up at 6am. I've been up since 2am, having anxiety.

I don't normally do this but I feel bad for myself. Yes, pity party for 2...considering I'm carrying a small person. I keep trying to calm down and focus on something bigger but my anxiety is out of control and my heart hurts. I keep seeing texts in my head that I shouldn't have read and I'm just plain hurt. I have no one to help me and honestly, I haven't had anyone to help me in 4 years. Or has it been 5 now... I can't recall.

Do you think youre indispensable and that no one can touch you?

Because I think youre disposable and it's time you knew the truth.

Thats how I'm treated. I needed to double check on the last 13 days being total hogwash so I spilled my guts. Released my fears.

"I'll just go find someone else." Was that the part where I was supposed to beg and plead he take away my fears? I just replied with, "ok," so 8 more times he text me about how I dont deserve him, I'm worthless, there are a million girls out there who don't lie, (because admitting your fears is lying...um...ok) I'm a waste of time, and that he deserves better than me. All I had to say was, "old habits never die, apparently." Theres really not much else to say.

My work is closing in 3 weeks and I've become a high risk pregnancy. Neat~O!! I don't have anyone to help me financially, no savings, and if I have to go on bedrest... I don't know if there will be a fourth.

Maybe I shouldn't even think about that.

Sigh.

It's a girl!!!

It needs a good "S" name.